—Ana M., third-year student, San Bernardino Valley College
Having trouble opening up about certain emotions is a common experience we all share. We have been socialized to believe that expressing negative emotions is not a good thing. If you think about it, we don’t generally have difficulty being open with emotions such as happiness, amusement, or appreciation. We tend to be more hesitant about sharing emotions that are commonly viewed as negative, such as sadness, frustration, or anxiety.
Finding strength in vulnerability
As emotional beings, we are also protective of things that make us feel exposed or vulnerable. When we’re afraid to open up to someone, it’s usually because we fear rejection, criticism, or getting hurt. We may worry that others will take something vulnerable we shared—such as feeling sad, angry, ashamed, or even in love—and turn around and hurt us with it. We are being self-protective, but this works against our ability to connect and be open.
The truth is, finding ways to share our emotions—especially the vulnerable ones— takes a lot of strength. We may need to unlearn any associations we have with vulnerability and weakness, because they are simply not true. We can, however, acknowledge why it is hard to open up.
To analyze why you’re avoiding opening up, ask yourself:
What is the likelihood that what I fear will actually happen?- Has what I fear ever happened before?
- If it has, did I come through the situation OK?
Now, acknowledge to yourself what the emotion is that you are feeling. Determine what your emotion is trying to communicate—there is a message there.
Reframing what your emotions mean
Seeing your emotions as messages that help you understand your world better can allow you to reframe how you’re feeling from something negative into something positive. From there, decide what you want, even if there is some emotional risk. For example, do you want to feel more connected to a partner, family member, or friend? Do you wish that a particular person understood you and your behavior better? These are possible reasons why sharing an emotion may be worth the risk of potential (but unlikely) hurt.
Knowing when the risk is worth the reward
Healthy relationships cannot thrive without emotional openness or vulnerability. To achieve connection, we must understand that the people who deserve our trust will not criticize, hurt, or reject us when we reveal ourselves. When it comes to sharing your emotions, the risk is often worth the reward.
However, if you reveal your inner emotions to someone, and they do criticize, intentionally hurt, or reject you, take that as information that they may not be the appropriate person to offer you emotional support. This is an important life lesson about who deserves our trust and connection, and when we should have firmer boundaries with those who don’t.
Now, think about the people in your life who accept you for who you are, “warts and all.” Turn to them when you need to share how you’re feeling. If you don’t have someone you feel comfortable talking to, seek out a trained counselor or therapist. It is their job to listen and support you without any judgment.