SUN SCREEN
Misery has consumed me
Misery has consumed my life,
I can’t say this enough
I am miserable.
I no longer have control of my life
I pretend every day to be what I am not –
“Happy and okay”
When inside of me is empty and dark –
How can you be happy and deeply depressed
All at once?
How can you be active and miserable,
All at once?
Yet another day, I wake up with tears streaming down my eyes
I can’t hide it again
I’ve lost so much of myself to nothing
And to everything.
Every day I wake up
I’m worse than the previous day
I’m tired of the encouragement
I’m tired of prayers
I am fed up with myself
I am doing this today
I didn’t want this. Didn’t expect it.
I wake up joyless, I go to bed bitter
Drowning in syrups of sleep activators
I cry and sniff.
The tears sting and I hate it
I can’t control the pain in my heart
It’s growing into something else
I hate my life
I hate my life
I hate my life
I am doing this today
I walk to the cabinet with all the drugs
I take the first bottle
Tears blind me from the writings
Poured it into my mouth and chewed
It’s bitter.
It distracts me from my pain and misery
I take the second bottle.
I empty its contents into my mouth
Oh, dear one, it’s sweet
I spit it out.
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I don’t deserve sweet things.
The momentary joy of tiny little things
Flash in my head
I want it to stay. I need it to stay
This has been my fight.
This is my fight
I wipe the tears off my face.
I need to see my misery.
I need to acknowledge my pains.
I am going out aware of my pains and misery
I am going out with the knowledge of what I did
I am going out with misery.
More tears stream down my face.
I take the third bottle
Wipe my tears and take a look
This ain’t no drugs
What is SPF 30?
Does it work faster?
Maybe it means “sudden pain faster”
I open it and squeeze it into my mouth
The metallic taste hits the back of my throat
I like it
I turn back and read
“Apply liberally 15 minutes before sun exposure”
What is this?
Is this a joke?
“Reapply 80 minutes — “
This is a joke.
I am trying to die
Will I fail at that too?
Will this be a record for me?
“Failed at trying to die”
I squeezed more into my hands
It said “Apply liberally”
I apply.
I squeeze more and apply.
The sharp pain in my stomach jolts me
I squeeze more and apply it to my stomach.
The tears have stopped
I can’t see anymore
I keep applying
The door swings open
Just as my head hits the flurry carpet
And shouts for help
Lures me to sleep [i]
[i] Written for me by me.
