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Beyond the Bedroom Rut
How to Rediscover Desire When Passion Feels Like Work
I remember the exact moment I’d rather have cleaned the bathroom than had sex with my husband. It wasn’t that I didn’t love him or find him unattractive. After a long day of work, cooking dinner, managing a toddler, and tidying up while he watched TV, performing intimacy felt like another chore.
Sex had become another item on my endless to-do list. Another way to take care of someone else’s needs while mine went unmet. The resentment built slowly until desire got buried under domestic inequality and bone-deep exhaustion.
My story didn’t end there. But first, it got much worse.
What started as reluctant participation became complete avoidance. Our marriage went entirely sexless for two years before we separated when our kids were 2 and 4. Conceiving our son was the last time we had sex.
Since becoming a relationship coach in 2012, I’ve learned my experience wasn’t unique. It’s one of the most common patterns I see. The details vary, but the core stays the same: when one partner carries too much domestic and emotional load, sexual desire often dies.
Here’s what’s interesting. This pattern used to hit women more often, but I now see increasing numbers of men in the same boat. The overburdened partner loses sexual motivation. Gender doesn’t matter.
