OPTION B
FACING ADVERSITY, BUILDING RESILIENCE, AND FINDING JOY
We often pick up books that somewhere intrigue us or connect with something in us. For me it was the word ‘resilience’ that attracted me to this one. My understanding of resilience is strength. Simple mental strength which comes with resolve and determination. However, this book gives resilience a whole new meaning. Against the backdrop of a personal tragedy, Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant deconstruct the word resilience to mean 1) impermanence of life 2) resolve amidst uncertainty 3) embracing and loving the self with all the imperfections 4) building meaningful relationships and finding happiness inside 5) loving, smiling and standing up in the face of adversity.
Understanding the 3Ps that stunt recovery
Adversity is a part of life and all of us have our own journey. We are never prepared for it and there is no proper way of either grieving or overcoming it. Recovery does not start from the same place for everyone. However, there are patterns and if we know them, we can define our course of recovery a little better. The author talks about the three Ps that stunt recovery. 1) personalisation- the belief that we are at fault 2) pervasiveness- an event will affect all areas of our lives 3)permanence- Belief that the aftershocks of the belief will last forever.
Am sure a lot of us have heard us say, ‘it’s all because of me’. ‘ Only if I had not done this…that would not have happened’. We get consumed by the environment and let the situation / adversity take the better of us. Only if we realise that everything that happens TO us does not happen BECAUSE OF us. If you blame yourself a little less, your process of recovery might be a tad bit faster.
If you feel less victimised you will automatically feel it affect the rest of your life a lot lesser. We tend to make the adversity bigger than ourselves, whereas it is the exact opposite. Distraction, work, family, friends are a good way to break the pervasiveness cycle.
Last but not the least, nothing is permanent. Good and the bad. Hence removing definitive words like ‘always’, ‘never’ might take away the assumption we attach with adversity.
Acceptance of feelings, even the uncomfortable ones is important. Avoiding feelings is not the same as protecting feelings. Stripping the garb of denial in times of adversity and making friends with your demons is the starting point of the recovery.
Excerpt from the book : “Dealing with grief was like building stamina : the more you exercise, the faster your heart rate recovers after it is elevated. And sometimes during especially vigorous physical activity, you discover strength you didn’t know you had.”
Resilience & the platinum rule of friendship
Resilience comes from deep within us and from support outside of us. It comes from gratitude for what is good in our lives. It comes from analysing and accepting. When life pulls you under, you can kick against the bottom, break the surface and breathe again.
Talking about support outside of us it talks about an absolutely beautiful rule of friendship. We often hear the golden rule of ‘treat others the way you want to be treated.’ Ever thought of ‘ treat others the way they want to be treated’? I never did.
Take a cue from the person in distress and respond with understanding — or better yet, action.
You cannot fathom someone else’s journey. You cannot understand their pain. Hence sometimes it’s just important to ‘do something’ instead of offering ‘anything’. Sometimes even holding someone’s hand is an act of help and understanding. Instead of saying ‘ I understand’ , it’s always best to do something that denotes that you understand.
Talking about friendship, it beautifully explains how you should form concentric circles where you place various relationships. Keeping the most important or the most affected ones in the centre and others in subsequent circles. Wherever you are in the circle, always offer comfort in and seek comfort out.
As we mature our view of friendship changes. As we grow old our circle becomes smaller and the quality of relationship and friendship becomes a lot more important than the quantity. And it is not just about what you give in a friendship but also what you receive.
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Resilience & self-compassion
I have spoken to a few people about this topic and I realise how closed I was to this until two weeks back. Never thought resilience could also mean self-compassion. We are all in the race of feeling perfection and being perfectionists. However, embracing our not so perfect self or circumstance in life is the starting point of self-compassion. Those who understand this, tend to recover faster from adversities / setbacks in life.
Excerpt from the book, “ self-compassion often coexists with remorse. It does not mean shirking responsibility for our past. It’s about making sure that we don’t beat ourselves up so badly that we damage our future. It helps us realise that doing a bad thing does not make us a bad person…blaming our actions rather than our character, allows us to feel guilt instead of shame.” Another great tip to pace the process of resilience is journaling.
I had often heard that journaling helps in pouring our feelings but linking it to resilience is a new one for me. Turning feelings into words can help process and overcome adversity. By putting feelings into words, we give ourselves more power over them. Constructing a story can lead to insights. This further leads the person from self-compassion to self-confidence which is critical for success and happiness.
Often adversity, subsumes us. It begins by self-bashing and then takes an ugly turn and sabotages confidence. This is where we also give in to one of the three Ps -‘pervasiveness’ wherein an event affects all spheres of our life. We hesitate to take even the smallest of risks. Here is where making gratitude lists can help. Gratitude is passive, it makes us feel thankful for what we receive. Contributions are active : they build our confidence by reminding us that we can make a difference. Writing down all that we have done well, impacts our confidence in our own capabilities.
There are simple techniques to bring about effective post trauma growth :
1. Gaining appreciation- Talking to friends, acquaintances and just by observing life around us does not take away the sadness, but it definitely helps us understand what we need to be grateful for. The reservoir of sadness might not diminish but the heart that appreciates all that is there in life definitely becomes a lot more aware.
2. Tragedy can help develop newer and deeper relationships. It is often said that in prosperity our friends know us. In adversity we know our friends. Taking genuine interest in a person’s life and his / her journey might not take away your pain but helps looking at things from a different perspective.
3. Sense of purpose rooted in belief that one’s existence has significance helps one look beyond the loss. This is where faith helps in understanding that ‘ this too shall pass’
4. Seeing new possibilities. After trauma some people end up choosing a different direction. A new beginning mostly starts from the end of an older beginning.
Resilience is about taking back joy
Taking back the joy to live, to laugh and to love. “ A life chasing pleasure without meaning is an aimless existence. Yet a meaningful life without joy is a depressing one”. We hold ourselves back from happiness because a survivor’s guilt is a thief of joy. Sometimes focusing on others can help bring back the joy and refresh our lives with a fleeting glimpse of happiness. Allowing ourselves to be happy is the ultimate triumph over permanence. However, happiness requires work. We are naturally wired to think about the negatives instead of the positives. Writing about joyful experiences can help change our focus immediately. Joy can be found in moments we seize and moments we create. Its these moments that give us not just happiness but also the strength to move on and take back the joy.
Resilience is about finding strength together
Resilience sometimes means standing up to failure and opening up. Opening up to listen, opening up to change and opening up to course correct. Most often we as people are closed. We do not want to listen and we do not want to see the mirror. However, some of the best people in life are the ones who show you the mirror and tell you where you went wrong. It is important to embrace such people and take them along. Sometimes the ability to listen to feedback is a sign of resilience.
Resilience is about bringing back the smile
It is important to understand that you are your own strength. Friends can show you the path and hold your hand but at the end of the day when the sun sets, it’s ok to embrace yourself and enjoy the solitude. Being alone can be an empowering choice. At the same time, it is about building long term relationships that stand the test of time and conflict. The one that has the capacity to carry intense emotion and withstand strain. It is more than two resilient individuals connecting- here resilience itself is the connection. Resilience in love means finding strength from within that you can share with others.
Last but not the least, adversity does not have to be personal, pervasive and permanent but resilience can be. It’s not a fixed personal trait but a lifelong project. “Resilience is the speed and strength of our response to adversity- we can build it. It isn’t about having a backbone. It’s about strengthening the muscle around our backbone.” We can build it and carry it with us throughout our lives.
