1. |
lifeblood
02:43
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Sickness
Am I witness to my world collapsing and falling free?
Is this what I wished it would take the shape of inside my dream?
Nothing matters more than right now: the bitterness in my mouth
Can this fear transform or will it only ruin me?
All this time I never wanted to believe it
Another life in the brightness of secrets
But now I know that there's a way out, there's a way home
Fuck it all I've got no reason not to see it through
All I love is the city when the night comes
When the rain becomes our lifeblood
Hide from all the waking world inside our secret silence
All I trust is the hated type of true love
That nobody wants to speak of
Become what scares you and never look back
Never look back, run
Somehow I can see now and everything is unravelling
Laughing
I'll escape this place, I can crawl my away out of anything
No one makes it out unchanged, there's no room for old mistakes
I don't give a shit if you don't see the vision
Bitch, I'm killing every part of me that isn't true
So what the fuck are you gonna do?
Now I know that there's a way out there's a way home
Fuck it all I've got no reason not to see it through
All I love is the city when the night comes
When the rain becomes our lifeblood
Hide from all the waking world inside our secret silence
All I trust is the hated type of true love
That nobody wants to speak of
Become what scares you and never look back
Never look back, run
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2. |
laughter
02:07
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Now we can never go back
No, we can never go back
Holding tight to the past until it stops breathing
And you don't get to know my name
We are not anything alike
And you just can't get my face out of ur brain
Our laughter echoes deep into the night
Everybody is onto us yea
But nobody can follow us
I'd like to see them try to get through to the other side of so much
And nobody is thriving like this
There's something alive that's within me that is finally waking the fuck up
(Wait til u see me surviving, wait til u see me surviving)
Wake the fuck up
(Wait til u see me surviving, wait wait wait wait)
We can breathe now
(Wait til u see me surviving, wait til u see me surviving)
Wake the fuck up
(Wait til u see me surviving)
We survived somehow
So keep running, don't ever stop
Just let what's inside upset them
They'll never need what's in your heart
Keep yourself alive, you're precious
Every haunted part of you that you thought
You'd take to your grave or beyond it
Let's exhume it all, the truest parts of you laid bare
Let go I know you want it
Everybody is onto us yea
But nobody can follow us
I'd like to see them try to get through to the other side of so much
And nobody is thriving like this
Theres something alive thats within me that is finally waking the fuck up
(Wait til u see me surviving, wait til u see me surviving)
Wake the fuck up
(Wait til u see me surviving, wait wait wait wait)
We can breathe now
(Wait til u see me surviving, wait til u see me surviving)
Wake the fuck up
(Wait til u see me surviving)
We survived somehow
And you don't get to know my name
We are not anything alike
And you just can't get my face out of ur brain
Our laughter echoes deep into the night
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3. |
stay out
02:40
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Lying on the floor and waiting for the come-up
Roommate's spotify playing Fugazi and Young Thug
Three years ago she never needed to know
And now the feelings inside are always screaming to be let go
I guess that's just love
No, you can feel alive you don't have to care
Oh, something's lost inside you - let it burst in the air
No one can stop you
No one can save your life
As the momentum carries you through the night
Standing at the station staring at the pavement
No one left to call, that's just how it always shakes out
Knowing it's her fault but that doesn't really change it
Looking inside, she knows she cannot sustain it
Turns her phone off, she's just gonna stay out
So let go
You can feel alive you don't have to care
Oh, something's lost inside you - let it burst in the air
No one can stop you
No one can save your life
As the momentum carries you through the night
No, you can feel alive you don't have to care
Oh, something's lost inside you - let it burst in the air
No one can stop you
No one can save your life
As the momentum carries you through the night
This is it
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4. |
daywrecker
02:52
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Do you want the love of a stranger?
Do you want ur heart to be so clean?
Do u wanna have righteous rage
Your hurt so justified like nobody has seen?
Do you wanna be lifted up and praised? (please god)
Do you wanna see what has wounded u erased? (kill it)
I have seen you before
So you think you know me?
Oh, who cares?
You will never know my reasons
You stare
So let down, oh you once believed in my heart
You think that you deserve me now? Please
You don't know what's inside yourself so you'll never know me
Do you see yourself as part of some kind of great machinery?
Do you wanna be everything that's right with this beautiful dream?
You're nothing like me, but deep in your soul
There's something hidden you know you cannot control
I have seen you before
So you think you know me?
Oh who cares
I used to be so scared
But now I see what you are
And you'll never know me.
Oh who cares?
You will never know my reasons
You stare
So let down, oh you once believed in my heart
You think that you deserve me now? Please
You don't know what's inside yourself so you'll never know me
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5. |
spiral
02:50
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Feel the concrete of a new beginning underneath
Nobody can have the privilege of holding me down
Here - nowhere that you've heard of
Becoming something that you don't even have words of envy for anymore
When we meet, don't try
Spiraling away oh
Spiraling away oh
Spiraling away from home
From home
I don't need a center
(Spiraling into the unknown)
I don't need an anchor, let me go
No - I dare you to keep me
No - I dare you to keep me here
Survivors guilt and all your friends are calling all worried
In airless spaces can't imagine where out would be
Come down here
Every one has the right to be free
Just as long as you entertain me
Spiraling away oh
Spiraling away oh
Spiraling away from home
From home
I don't need a center
(Spiraling into the unknown)
I don't need an anchor, let me go
No - I dare you to keep me
No - I dare you to keep me here
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6. |
nothing to nothing
02:51
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Helpless, nowhere left to run I'm alone
I've been everywhere I could ever go
No one will ever believe me or know
But I dont care, I'll never stop running
Here nowhere all the lost kids stare at me in a nightmare
No one cares if you belong or not
That world you glimpsed is gone
Fragment
Hope is a string that pulls you
Quiet
On through the night and into
The fog
Pry another life
Traction
Over every seething memory
Straining
Over broken trajectories
(Pry)
Pry another life
(Pry)
Pry another life
(Pry)
Pry another life
(Pry)
Pry another life
Through the silence of the stars
A hole in your heart
Every stalking hurt
And nightmare
Pulled apart
Helpless, nowhere left to run I'm alone
I've been everywhere I could ever go
No one will ever believe me or know
But I dont care, I'll never stop running
Here nowhere all the lost kids stare at me in a nightmare
No one cares if you belong or not
That world you glimpsed is gone
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7. |
dead sky
02:19
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Gotta find another way home
Gotta find another way home
It used to be simple
Out of reach I could make it my star
Abuse a new symbol
Nobody knows
Nobody gets it, gotta push it farther
What do I think I believe?
What forces me forward and through?
Don't let the fantasy come
Don't let the fantasy come true
It will only use you
I just wanna fail, I don't want you to know
I don't want anybody to make it true, it's dying
Melting in the atmosphere outside of my head
There's nothing salvageable here I wanna carry forward
Help me
And no one will ever believe you
And no one will ever accept what happened here
Don't try to undercut me with momentum
That you got from brute force and beauty
No one draws a line if you protect them
Then throw them away when they're struggling
And I don't wanna be sacred (sacred)
Stare at the dead sky, give me something
Intangible connection faded
Worn thin, weakness - it's the same shit
I just wanna fail, I don't want you to know
I don't want anybody to make it true, it's dying
Melting in the atmosphere outside of my head
There's nothing salvageable here I wanna carry forward
Help me
I just wanna fail, I don't want you to know
I don't want anybody to make it true, it's dying
Melting in the atmosphere outside of my head
There's nothing salvageable here I wanna carry forward
Help me
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8. |
city
03:00
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The streets at night so empty, we're the only ones alive
Reflection in the pavement of a different world inside
The nameless strange and sharpened safety twisting like a knife
I want it to haunt me for the rest of my life
And no one can know this
My heart is at home now I can't go back
Please save me
I've become lost again inside that world in your heart
Please take me
So far from where I've been
Everything looks different watching from where we are
As everything alive in the world
Tries to crawl out from my throat and my eyes
I have never had a reason to not run
I have never had a reason to be strong
Please save me
I've become lost again inside that world in your heart
Please take me
So far from where I've been
Everything looks different watching from where we are
The city glow is just like I remember
But it can't hurt me from here
No more
Have I ever felt alive
Have I ever felt alive?
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9. |
nightglow
02:27
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And you will stay there always
Awake when day breaks
And feel no shame
Wait for the first train home
And you let the air consume whatever's left of you
No one cares if you can never let it through
Let the air consume whatever's left of you
No one cares if you can never let it through
Summer nights, the starlight dim, the city so bright
No one will ever know where we ran to
And as your eyes open to the sky
Still glowing just like the pride in you
Try not to wake her
Let the air consume whatever's left of you
No one cares if you can never let it through
Why is this the love that we're given?
Try to become anything different
Why is this the love that we're given?
Try to become anything different
Let the air consume whatever's left of you
No one cares if you can never let it through
Summer nights, the starlight dim, the city so bright
I will never ever let them hurt you
I will never ever let them hurt you
I will never ever let them hurt you
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10. |
hardrush
03:26
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All dressed up, hiding in the corner waiting
Come on, come up - already fading
Why the fuck is this me the me that showed up tonight?
Can't take this
God I wish I could fake this
Never thought I'd be fucking up gay shit
Then again, all I want I'm afraid of
Don't leave me, don't wait up
Don't leave me
Don't wait up
God I wish I could be true
Inner child like "sux 2 b u"
Too soon, too much to lose - wish I was you
Wish I could move
So cringe, come on bitch, just read the room
Nobody cares - so sure I was ready
Why the fuck can I not break through this?
Hey. Just follow me
Just breathe
Just breathe
Stuck inside, nevermind all the bodies
All the eyes, they don't have to be watching
Take my hand and wipe away your tears
It's ok, we're together, I'm with you
Don't look back at the bad dreams you lived thru
This is our life and we're still here
Stuck inside
Nevermind
God I want to try
I'm here tonight but I just can't get it right
Dark
On the concrete
Try hard to breathe
I can dream but I'll never be anything close to me
The real me that I've built in my head
Crumpled on the floor, barely lived and she's already dead
Not again, I hate this
But I guess it was never gonna be painless
Sobbing, rotting
Three hours in and I still feel nothing
Don't look at me, please don't perceive me
Seeing everything I wanna be around me
How the fuck do I set myself free?
I wanna be free
I wanna be the real me
Stuck inside, nevermind all the bodies
All the eyes, they don't have to be watching
Take my hand and wipe away your tears (your tears)
Look at me, we're together we're in this
Don't look back at the bad dreams, u lived bitch
Don't you worry angel, we're still here
Still stuck inside
But nevermind
We're alive
It's on tonight motherfucker, it's on tonight
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11. |
ghost words
02:30
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I'm pushing up against the border
Of a different place and time
But I'm scared it's only mirrors on the other side
And when I look into the past
Standing on different threshold
I see a life that I don't have
Mirrored in the chrome and gold
Someone's been here before me
Flashback to another life story
As a dark cloud comes towards me
I think I know how this ends but it bores me
Her be another
Be another girl
A geisting buffer
Concrete under nevermind
Trying to be nothing
Passing through
I can see myself too many times again
Flash sideways, don't know where it ends
Time loop and another you, not again
Just mist on the dead horizon
I'm pushing up against the border
Of a different place and time
But i'm scared it's only mirrors on the other side
And when I look into the past
Standing on different threshold
I see a life that I don't have
Mirrored in the chrome and gold
Wait - I'm trying to hold onto the constant
Stay - lose it all with my other self watching
All it takes is just a single missed countdown
Maybe it's fate for me to tear this place down
The petty, humiliating
Premises that we all have to live through
Just lie and say you’re doing better
A girl a ghost word
A girl a ghost word
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12. |
shatter fugue
03:02
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Cannot leave alone
Cannot look away, it's glinting
I am drawn to it
I am drawn to something lurking under
In a perfect lie
It would stop here, do not go deeper
I can feel the ice as you look at me and whisper
"I remember you, how could I possibly forget?"
Forget
Now fading into cold open-ended questions, never answered
Hell - I will not survive it
Bright layers of grey, all that once had a color
Crumbles into static, permanence a fiction
As the world we made is integrated day by day into the nightmare
And find a way to steal it
The shit that you never had
And find a way to fuck it up
Everything bad
Standing in a harbor around the debris
Shattered boats
I can't believe my senses
The entropy underneath the best intentions
I'm blinded by the brightness
Pull me away I almost don't want to fight it
And the emptiness spoke to me
Drowning all it said:
(All that it said)
"And find a way to steal it
The shit that you never had
You never had
You never had"
Now fading into cold open-ended questions, never answered
Hell - I will not survive it
Bright layers of grey, all that once had a color
Crumbles into static, permanence a fiction
And the emptiness spoke to me
Drowning all it said:
(All that it said)
"I remember you, how could I possibly forget?"
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13. |
sevener
02:43
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Can you see it?
All the way to the end at its furthest depths
Through the I don't knows and never agains
In your secrets
In the things you deny to be free of
Is there something there that you would call sacred?
Does it make you less than human?
Does it make your eyes glint?
Does it paint your deepest wants across your skin?
(Oh no)
If everything was the way it should have been
And nothing ever broke or hurt again
Maybe all of our evil dreams would just be nightmares
But I don't care, we're here now
But I get it
I used to see it inside me as my true self
Or a piece of someone I could not run from
Sliver, infection - a reason that I was a monster
Worthy of only a horrible ending
But I've stared into myself
And I know the truth now
And I hope that someday you find peace
If everything was the way it should have been
And nothing ever broke or hurt again
Maybe all of our evil dreams would just be nightmares
But I don't care, we're here now
The world turns
Nobody can stop it
The hurt worse than you've ever known
It never goes away
In a perfect version of this purgatory
In the fantasy world in your brain
No one ever hurts
No one's complicated
And everyone is exactly the same
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14. |
dawn tercet
02:36
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You're a child smashing a favorite toy til you can't recognize it
And you scream and you cry when it won't go back to the way it was
I won't go back to the way I was, but I'm smarter now
I've learned that sometimes violence feels almost exactly like love
As the sky in the distance glows and my hands are shaking, god
All the years since I've seen this road
All the years since I've seen the dawn
On the porch in the morning rain
Thought I knew where I belonged
Thought I knew where I was safe
So glad I was wrong
All your pain, so bright and blinding
Nobody else can see
None of us can hold a candle to your majesty
I never thought my pain was more important than yours
Your projection finally showed me who you really are
What happened?
Why can't I feel anything anymore?
Six years gone
That awful bond, I never wanted anything but it
But now it's stolen all the hope that I had left
Still I don't regret it
Not for a fucking second, no
As the sky in the distance glows and my hands are shaking, god
All the years since I've seen this road
All the years since I've seen the dawn
On the porch in the morning rain
Thought I knew where I belonged
Thought I knew where I was safe
So glad I was wrong
So glad I was wrong
So glad I was wrong
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15. |
try
03:09
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Never thought it'd be this way
Laugh it off and run away
Never thought it'd be this way
Laugh it off and run
Run
I don't need to describe everything
Ache into the night
(Laugh it off and run away)
And the wounds shift as I speak
Cemetary narrative I'll never give you anything
Laugh it off and run, this fantasy of distance
Haunting every one of all my contradictions
I've been here before, so many times a circle
Tear it all apart but somehow inside it's worse still
This is how it is, this is how it is
It's bad girl
This is how it is, this is how it is
The barrenness
This is how it is, this is how it is
It's bad girl
This is how it is, this is how it is
The barrenness
This is how it is:
All these years, all the chaos and fear
Everything done to me still so unclear
If this is how it is does anybody know the reason for it?
I just want some fucking peace after everything
Falling again into the nothing
I only really wanted one thing
There's nowhere else that I can get it
It will destroy me
I will let it
If no one can be forgiven
If human hearts are distance
If there is no light left in anyone in this world
This is how it is, this is how it is
It's bad girl
This is how it is, this is how it is
The barrenness
This is how it is, this is how it is
It's bad girl
This is how it is, this is how it is
The barrenness
This is how it is, this is how it is
It's bad girl
This is how it is, this is how it is
The barrenness
This is how it is, this is how it is
It's bad girl
This is how it is, this is how it is
The barrenness
No
How could this be it?
Stupid basic shit
Was it only the illusion of confidence?
Everything inside of me
I'm so scared to let you see
What if it just sends you running?
But if I stay unknown
I know all my desperate hope will amount to nothing
If all the colors of pain
If everything in my way can't stop me
Then nothing ever will
And though this world is a cage
I'm through with running away
I'm not free
But I'm not alone and I'm still here
If no one can be forgiven
If human hearts are distance
If there is no light left in anyone in this world
At least I tried
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16. |
seabird
02:01
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Death down your throat
Make all your decisions like that
And I have to be nice to you
Could it be, could it be?
What's in you lives in me?
"God, when will this evil leave?"
But evil's only what you believe
And you get used to it
Sliding down
Sleeping in your car
And you get used to it
Numbing out
And stealing gift cards
And I have to be nice to you
And I have to be nice to you
All of this time, the punishment shivering alive
Nothing to hide now
I don't deserve it anymore
I know there's something waiting for me somewhere unknown
And I'm running now
Could it be, could it be?
What's in you lives in me?
"God, when will this evil leave?"
But evil's only what you believe
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DOOR EATER Los Angeles, California
DOOR EATER is Ada Rook and Lauren Bousfield
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a powerful and impactful album. the raw hatred and agony and angst on display in every track is unmatched. this album has pulled at my heart in ways i didnt know music could. every good experience ive had, now tainted by what she did to me, listening to this has been cathartic on a level i have never experienced before
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