Everyone is ART
The hunger to find oneself is jarring. Most don’t bother. Some are shamed for it, and the rest of us pretend we’re not going crazy for a ‘purpose’.
Sometimes I wallow in vanity, more often than I’d like to admit, and yet the same self I can’t stop looking at is the one I can’t seem to find.
So, I chase it in small ways. Picking at the minds around me. Sitting in my self-made swamp. Lifting heavier in the gym. My comfort food. The two perfect books on my side table. Little experiments in how far my mind and my body can travel.
And still I wonder how dreams are made. Most importantly, WHY NOT ME?
The greatest joys are the tiniest task completions. It should be a habit, you know. Your guardians applauded you for crawling from point A to point B. You were applauded for moving, but now you hate yourself for not being ‘enough’. Where we all get confused is the presentation of what is considered artistic and what is not. Nature, for example, is perhaps the pinnacle of artistic expression. The small, unglamorous movements that nobody claps for anymore, those are the unpresented arts.
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The time I spent learning about time and space has given me a new concept of being. The idea that there are billions of galaxies makes me feel particled in such a way that I actually don’t mind going unnoticed at all. The final form of life and acceptance is ego death. Decentering myself has brought me different perspectives. I am what I am, or I am not. Actually, I am nothing. This way, I have been able to SEE so much of life. There is life around you, there is openness of soul, there is what you are looking for right by you!
We spend so much of our lives waiting for the opportunity, waiting for birthdays to be celebrated, waiting for doors to open, waiting for life to get better. How long, and what, are we truly waiting for? Nature is the most brutal. It doesn’t care to be understood, and it refuses to be gotten used to. We get what we get. I mean there are things that haven’t happened yet? They are set to occur, as light travels. Truly fascinating.
I remember begging. GOD? The universe? I really don’t know, but I was begging, and I was desperate for some sort of motivation so I would not fail myself. All I got back was silence. I begged the world for answers only I could answer. I only then asked, “Do I need answers, or do I need to trust myself?” I think I knew I was going to save myself in the end, but what if I didn’t? It is actually more of: what if I couldn’t? Would I have lived with the acceptance of not knowing, or would I have died trying? Would you?
The most naked part of ourselves is when we are faced with mistakes we didn’t mean to make. It looks like a crime scene. Your heart is boiling with shame and fear, your mind is racing, and you get judged almost instantly. We are so quick to judge and criticise when we are not the ones on the spot. What is structured art without a million failures? What is life without lessons? I have embraced my life, however it has been shaped. “It is human to make mistakes,” they say, but we were never taught how to navigate life after grave mistakes. It’s okay to fail. Heck, embrace it. It’s in failure we filter out perfection.
I rewire my brain every time I have a great conversation or discover a new show. This might be dramatic, but the day I found the channel What If on YouTube, right there and then, I saw endless possibilities. Learning is the most fascinating thing. Every new thing I understand strengthens a path in my mind, and slowly, without anyone watching, I am rebuilt. The art of understanding complexity and performing in the state of that understanding. In a world saturated with bursts of energy and technology, it is refreshing to see people look inward and do as they think.
The universe is a product of the mind that consumed our creator in its creation. Coding is exactly the same: code as poetry, systematic, organised, scientific and rigid. It is building a world that works. The sun rises and sets, the earth spins, light is reflected, sometimes over minutes or billions of years. I have imagined myself as an engineer, and I have been curating my ideas from scratch. That is the true fulfilment of building something that functions. The dreams I have built function as I make them to be. I am fulfilled as the days pass by and I see another one of my creations. As a woman, my reproductive organs are to reproduce versions of myself that surpass the current one.
I hope you see the things that are incredibly special about yourself. The moments that didn’t count start counting now. Your idea of a great life is not a dream. As I have said, “endless possibilities.” Look inward, find yourself, find your art.
