CONTROL
There is literally no such thing. We can’t even control ourselves and our own emotions. Then we grow and realize that the little control we had as children, still remains as an adult; societal norms like bills and other responsibilities pile up, clouding and furthering us from control. It’s gotten so bad that you can’t even discipline your child without thinking you’re at fault somehow or you are to blame for their behavior. They’re just realizing that the control they’ve been given, is a farce. The only people whom have total control are world leaders and organizations and corporations.
Technology has added to our responsibilities, but hasn’t given us much control. Whether it be a smartphone upgrade or a late payment, all of these controls are none of our own. To include myself, we all thrive when things run smoothly, but what happens if an outside source has more control than even you do? Bratty children? Inappropriate YouTube Kids channels? I have the idea that I can control what my children watch, but with society controlling even what my kids watch, my future at raising decent humans is cut by 3/4.
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I wish I had the answers. But then life would be easy. If I can’t even control myself and my own emotions, how am I capable of being in control of others’ lives? When do we know if we’ve tried to control too much? What if your spouse is just as much of a control freak as you? You have even less control. My hair should be this way, I should dress like that, maybe tell the kids like this instead of that. Am I not my own person? Do I not have needs? Do I have aspirations of being the best husband and father?
To answer the last one, yes. But not when I can’t express my frustrations because they aren’t as valid as the kids’ who were punished for watching inappropriate YouTube content. Instead, my wife took control (yet again) of the situation by belittling my frustrations, telling me I’m going to extremes by taking youtube away… She won’t let me help her control the situation, she controls it. my mental health and war traumas are just that to her, clinical diagnoses.
She often uses my mental health against me to gain the upper hand when we are in a spat. It’s demoralizing knowing what she really thinks of me. I’m just a dude with a whole lotta problems that she’s only been married to for 13 years. If I knew how fucked up I was before we brought children into this world, I would have never had kids. And sure as shit, never with her. She says she’s there for me and will be there to support me. But it seems when I’m in need the most and at my wits end, she has no idea and usually thinks everything is copacetic, so I fall deeper down the hole as she unknowingly and idly stands by in her bubble of “everything is okay”.
Control is a funny word. But also, so very crippling. I know from what I’ve read and seen that I can only control myself. But it doesn’t even seem that way anymore. Someone somewhere will always have the upper hand at control. I can’t stand control, yet its the biggest part of me. Control, control, control….
