Ahems
Literally everything is a failure lately. I couldn’t even find the graphic for my NYC show in October in my google photos files to post here because, for some reason, I can see it on my phone but not my laptop.
I’m just really starting to hate this theatre community here more and more. I’ve been saying for years that it’s so incestuous and self-serving and that most people here only care about themselves. It’s very lonely to be surrounded by people who don’t really care.
I can’t even get my asshole C key to fix. Do you know how difficult it is to be a writer without the letter C working properly? So many words to fix after.
I just, I am exhausted from this life. I don’t understand what is so wrong with me that people feel they can’t support me. Not my parents ever, not my family, not my husband. Throwing money at me helps but it’s not really the support I need from him. I’m not a problematic spoiled kid who has daddy to buy her things instead of loving her. I want to be loved and supported. Why is that unattainable?
I hate everything right now. Rejection after rejection. No money to make my projects. People are always asking for more yet give nothing. Everyone is a taker or a not carer. I even started selling clothes on Vinted to make a few dollars and something that was mailed out already with a tracking number, that says to be delivered today or tomorrow, this bitch is asking for a refund when I already know she’s getting her dumbass magnet. So I can’t even sell something online without being shot in the fucking face? I’m trying to earn money and she wants a refund despite tracking saying sep 3rd max delivery but tracking already says it is in her sorting facility? fuck off. there’s a tracking number link for a reason, idiot. You will not be getting a refund of two dollars from me when I know that you got the goods.
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I can’t even complain in my own home because I’m basically told I’m wrong before I even finish my sentence from my friend. Like, shut up and let me talk for a minute before trying to fix something? Just fucking one time? I just need to take a minute to talk about something frustrating and have someone say that sucks and that would be the end of it. Don’t fucking argue with me about why people aren’t supportive when I want them to be. Just shut up and listen. I’m just so annoyed with everything because I’m frustrated and nobody will allow me to be frustrated without trying to either talk em out of it or say that I’m wrong for it.
I’m currently listening to a “play” that is also an attempt at “an homage” to what we do in the shadows which is even more boring that that show became at the end in my writers group. It’s fine but it’s annoying because I’m here to be supportive of the writer and actors but i KNOW that NONE of them (not kam) will be at my next reading. I know you get the emails every week. You CHOOSE to not take part in my work but literally beg me to come to yours and it’s unfair. It’s all so one sided that it is starting to sicken me. fucking you, C key. Why do artists think this type of shit is okay?
another thing that brings me physical pain is that I had bada bing get into the queens short play festival but i couldn’t direct it so i had someone that I thought was a friend direct it and she not only dug it into the ground, but she quit a week before it started and took me and the cast down with her saying WE RESIGN from the festival. She talked shit about me to others, saying i was setting her up for disaster and that she would not put her name on a show that wasn’t ready while failing to realize that SHE IS THE DIRECTOR AND IF THE SHOW IS NOT READY THEN SHE DID NOT DO HER JOB. literally my job was to write the play and submit the play. Not cast it, not file the director paperwork, not sign the director’s contract, not set up rehearsals, not print out 5 scripts and mail them to dale in nyc “in case some actors don’t have printers” what the fuck, not my job to find costumes and props. She literally took the train to CT to find morgana to get an $8 bell rather than buying her own bell or pantomiming said bell in the show and blamed me for it. It wasn’t my bell in the show, it was morgana’s! And she blamed me for throwing out poster boards we used in april at my show that she saw live as if i were to buy them a ticket on the plane? no, the signs say stop abortion now and abortion is murder. i threw that bullshit out after the show! but sure, it’s MY fault that she failed. I blocked her shit on everything but now it’s ruined my changes at working with that festival again because I am positive we looked like squabbling high school freshman to cassandra. like dale, you’re 70 fucking years old (no idea). How are you so god damn childish? you want to be a director. you accepted the job from me. a job that you saw live once already that you could COPY because OH YEAH one of the actors in your show starred in mine so he could have helped if needed BUT INSTEAD he hoed ME out by talking shit with dale, causing dale to explode at me about he said she said that I ignored. none of this needed to happen. I said Dale, I’m in michigan and you are directing. If you want to change a prop, change it. If you want to alter a line, fine. If you want to cast such and such, i do not give a fuck. I’m not the director, my job is done. She only wanted the glory of saying she directed and not the job itself and then people wonder why we direct our own shit. It was so painful and emotionally upsetting that I didn’t sleep for days. Like, up til 4 am, wake up for work half dead while still fighting for my life with the festival so that i don’t lose a contact at queens short play. the stress of it alone made me feel like quitting. And again, if i loved where i wanted, none of this would be an issue. I’d have a community outside of dale.
Like yeah, I definitely want to pay $1300 for an airbnb for 11 days so I can direct my own show because airbnb is being slowly shut down and has become unaffordable. BUT if i want to get any traction i very clearly have to do it myself. all of it. Can’t trust anyone except kam and morgana. Morgana and I are coming up with a few ideas to roll around in our mind grapes that i’m hoping to at least touch base on — something that will only benefit us and our goals. I am just so bad at waiting.
can’t even trust this bitchass c key.
i get that blah blah you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take bullshit. But these festivals don’t really do anything for my career. Nobody comes to them and wants to follow my career or even my instagram page. literally nothing happens career-wise to make any of this worthwhile. Name recognition does nothing when you’re at the bottom. And for years I have been at the bottom where I can’t even get my own family to come to a show unless something is in it for them. It’s difficult to keep going when I’m the only one who really believes in these pipe dreams.
It’s hard being the only one who cares about my goals enough to lift me up. I an;t afford it and i’m not fixing broken keyboard mistakes. jesus fucking christ i need a new keyboard. im fucking fuming at all of this, it all feel like injustice and sabbotage. especially dale and this C.
