Start Here
Quotes from the book by author Trish Doller
Coach Kaman was big on posture. At the beginning of each season, she’d tell the cheerleaders to pretend they were marionettes with strings running through their spines and out of the tops of their heads to keep them up straight. “Strings, girls!” she’d shout, whenever they were slouching. Finley pulls her imaginary string and sits taller to keep from slumping back against the pillows. Once upon a time, she could make a running roundoff into a back tuck look effortless. Now the simple act of living is exhausting.
It’s physically painful to know that their lives will go on without her. That Finley’s best friends will make new best friends and these people will be the ones to celebrate the good news and commiserate the bad. They’ll be college roommates, wedding attendants, and godparents. They’ll know things about Willa and Taylor that Finely will never know.
Family has always just meant mom. Willa’s grandpa died of lung cancer before she was born, and her grandmother suffered a fatal stroke when Willa was too young to remember her. Willa’s father blank line on her birth certificate, and her mom swears she has no idea who he might be. The only clues to his identity are Willa’s brown eyes, deep brown curls, and skin that is darker than her mother’s. Sometimes she wonders about the other half of her chromosomes, but most of the time having her mom’s smile and the Ryan family freckles is all she needs.
Everyone was returning to their cars after the inurnment ceremony at the cemetery when Willa and Taylor met up in front of Finely’s little vault. Taylor couldn’t even look at it without welling up. She hated the idea of Finely being all by herself in a cold, dark marble box. She wished the Donoghues had added some of Finely’s favorite things, like the one-eyed teddy bear she swore she didn’t sleep with anymore. Or her pink cardigan with rhinestone buttons. Or the pictures from the bulletin board in her bedroom. That day, it made sense that ancient Egyptians buried pharaohs with all their possessions. Forever is such a long time to be alone.
The thing is, Willa, can shake off being called poor. It’s as much a fact as having brown eyes or being right-handed. But poor carries the implication that someday your status can change, trash suggests that if the bottom of the barrel is right beneath you, that is exactly where you belong.
Hard is having to do all the work by yourself. Willa removes the paper napkin from her lap and places it on the table beside what’s left of her soup. “How nice it must be to just give up, knowing everything will be fine for you. “I wasted my college savings and quit my job”.
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Something inside her cracks open and Willa is just…done. Done worrying about the car repairs. Done making sure the bills are paid on time. Done being afraid her mom will lose her job (again). Willa pivots her arm and flings the phone as hard as she can. It arcs high before it drops into the water and disappears. She feels a surge of panic as she realizes she will have to pay for a replacement, but Willa is done worrying about that, too. It’s her mom’s turn to worry.
They fall silent, and Taylor thinks maybe this trip isn't the kind that comes preloaded with a soundtrack. Maybe they have to find the music as they go.
They just look at each other for a couple of beats, and Willa is unable to pinpoint why it’s so hard to talk to Taylor, and why it’s so hard for them to be friends. Finely picked them both. Why can’t they pick each other?
They passed each other water bottles and sunscreen and handed off information as they changed shifts at the helm, but this is their first casual conversation of the day. Really, their first since the fight. As always, they both seem to be pretending like nothing happened. Like everything is fine. Taylor knows friendships don’t normally work this way, but she and Willa have never been normal friends.
Taylor wonders why Willa doesn’t want to talk about college, and why she’s not more excited about being accepted into one of the best colleges in Ohio. Or maybe she just doesn’t want to talk to Taylor about these things. Maybe it only seemed like their friendship was starting to have legs.
Taylor’s cheeks warm at the compliment. Her parents are always heaping praise on her work and they have a couple of framed shots hanging in the living room. But they brought her into the world, so their predisposed to love everything she does. From Willa, it feels earned.
The fish in Willa’s chest gets bigger, and she wishes her mom could understand that it’s not just about her personal life. Collen Ryan and Willa know her mother could do anything she set her mind to do. If only she would set her mind.
It’s on the tip of her tongue to say “Finley would love this”, but Taylor is learning that it’s okay to experience things without running through that particular filter. Finely would love this, but what really matters is that Taylor loves it.
“It doesn’t feel real,” Willa says finally as she starts the engine. “Like, if someone had told me that someday I’d be sailing to a tropical island, I would have laughed in their face. Kids like me don’t usually get to do things like this. I always thought my dreams had to be practical, get a college degree, and make enough money to pay the bills, so this is beyond beyond”.
