i hate endings ~
“i hate endings. I hate the last episode of a show. I hate the last day of a year. I hate the last day of being a certain age. I hate it when relationships and friendships end, whether they end well or badly. I just hate endings so much.” source: instagram reel
For a long time, I thought that was just a small, harmless thing about me. A personality quirk. turns out it’s the exact thing that made me stay in places way longer than i should have.
There was this one person. i didn’t feel the same way about him as he felt about me. And instead of just accepting that, he got angry. not sad-angry. ego-angry. he started calling me names. dumb. insensitive. Words picked specifically to hurt, and they did.
and here’s the part that still gets me. even after that, I was ready to forgive him. I was ready to let it go, pretend the names never happened, keep him around as nothing had shifted.
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Not because I thought he deserved it. Because some part of me believed that saying goodbye to him would feel like losing a piece of myself I couldn’t get back.
That’s the closest I can explain it. Saying goodbye isn’t just walking away from someone. it’s like being told a part of your body has to come out, and choosing to keep living with it there instead. diseased. dragging you down. but yours. familiar. still yours.
and if you know that, and you choose to carry it anyway, that’s not healing. That’s just surviving with the weight still attached.
I called that person a leech once. sucking my blood, taking and taking, and I still didn’t cut him out. I think I finally understand why. It was never about him being good for me. it was about how much it terrifies me to lose something, even something that’s actively hurting me, because losing it still means losing a part of me.
I don’t have a neat ending for this, sadly. I’m not going to tell you I cut him off and felt free and everything made sense afterward. I’m still figuring out the difference between forgiving someone and just being too scared to let a wound close.
maybe that’s the whole point of this. Some organs you can live without. you just have to be brave enough to let them go first.
-K
