Giving?
I have always thought that I was a complete giver. I have always thought that I was a person that devoted 100% of her time to others. I always thought I was at least a good person in the midst of everything that I thought was wrong with me.
Well, I really am not. I am not the giving person I thought I was. In reality, all I do is think about myself. And that’s what I used to think, that I was a complete giver. But, you’d think that thinking the worst about yourself, and putting others on a pedestal is being a giver. No? Well, that’s what I thought, but very quickly I knew it wasn’t working out for me.
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If I put my priorities in a list, my relationships with others are my top priority. I have come to see that these relationships are what make me the happiest. But, I have been doing them wrong. I haven’t been focusing in people on the way they deserve to be. I have just been thinking about them, and what worries me about them, in relation to me. Everything going back to me, me, me.
I arrive home and I find myself doing nothing but think. I don’t work and I can’t sleep. All I do is think. Thoughts that this person doesn’t care about me or that person was hurt by my comment flood my mind. I convince myself that I’m being such a good person. “Camila you’re thinking about these people, and they wouldn’t ever do that for you,” I tell myself. I continue thinking about these people and in a sense believe that they owe me something. That in my “hectic and chaotic” life I have a space in my timeframe and mind, where I devote to them. They should be coming to me without a doubt and with full reverence for the service that I provide. But they don’t, and I resent them for their lack of gratitude. I go back to the cycle of creating ideas in my head that they don’t like me. That they have no time for me.
The fact is though that I haven’t devoted myself to others as much as I tell myself I do. It shatters my heart, but it’s the harsh truth.
And it’s in times like these when I get hit by questions: do I have time for them? Can I really love them is what I ask myself: Will, I ever treat them in a way that they actually deserve?
It all comes down to what people have shown you. I have shown little to no care for the people that I love. I think about them yes. But you really know you can lean on someone when they put their shoulder for you, not when they think about putting their shoulder but don’t do it.
