three little letters, too heavy to carry
bata pa lang ako, alam ko na kung ano ako.
ate.
i am an ate to my two younger brothers. three little letters, but bigger and heavier than i expected it to be.
hindi ko na matandaan kung kailan ko unang naramdaman ang bigat sa tatlong letra na ‘yan. was i 5? oh, maybe when i was 10? i don’t know.
basta ang tanda ko lang, kung gaano kabigat ‘yun sa maliliit kong mga kamay.
siguro, ganoon naman talaga kapag bata ka pa. hindi mo maiintindihan ang mga bagay na inaatang sa’yo pero kailangan mong pasanin sa murang edad. ang alam mo lang, kapag may bagay na inilagay sa kamay mo, kailangan mo hawakan ‘yun nang mahigpit.
so i did.
mahigpit kong hawak ang salitang ate at pinasan.
i learned how to hold things before i learned how to let them go.
natuto akong magbigay kahit hindi pa ‘ko marunong humingi. natuto akong umintindi kahit pa wala akong maintindihan. natuto akong maging mahinahon, maging matatag, at umakto nang mas matanda kaysa sa edad ko.
just because i have two pairs of younger eyes looking up to me.
pasan ko sa aking likod ang maliliit nilang katawan. hinahawakan ko ang kanilang maliliit na mga kamay. naisip ko nga noon, masaya naman maging ate.
sa tuwing tatawagin nila ako, i feel a tingling sensation in my heart. may kakaibang saya sa tunog ng “ate” kapag sila ang nagsasabi.
and maybe that’s where it started.
ate kasi ako.
somehow, i need to know everything. i had to know what to do.
kaya siguro naiinis ako sa mga taong hindi nila alam ang gagawin miski sa simpleng bagay. i had to know everything, anything, while i was growing up. kaya bakit hindi nila alam, diba? they have to know it! they should know it!
but then… hindi naman nila kasalanan ‘yun.
naiinis ako, kasi ate ako.
kapag hindi nila alam ang isang bagay, dapat alam ko.
when they are scared, i have to be brave.
when things go wrong, i need to understand and fix them.
palagi.
hindi pwedeng mapagod si ate kasi… siya si ate.
and for years, i thought that was the right thing to do. na tama sila, dahil ako ang ate, dapat ako ang matatag. ako ang umunawa sa mas bata kong mga kapatid. dahil ako ang ate, kaya dapat tumulong ako sa lahat ng bagay.
i don’t remember anyone explicitly telling me those things. but actually, no one had to. children are strange that way. we learn the rules of our households without anyone writing them down.
children learn from the tone. the words. and from the way an eye lingers as if skinning you alive.
at ako? i learned it the hard way.
sinubukan ko minsan ang sumuway. maging pilya. maging matigas ang ulo. hindi naman ako rebelde pero minsan gusto ko lang malaman kung ano ang pakiramdam ng hindi sumusunod.
pero hindi pala masaya. para akong sinampal ng katotohanan.
akala ko kapag hindi ako sumunod, makakaramdam ako ng kaligayahan. ng isang kalayaan. na sa wakas, may isang bagay akong ginawa para sa sarili ko.
kaso ay hindi. wala.
the only thing i gained was guilt.
such a small thing that kept lingering on my chest, na ayaw akong tantanan.
ate ka.
medyo masakit pala kapag iisipin mo.
why is it that when you choose yourself, they indict you as a sinner? why is it that when you’re out of the thing that defined you your whole life, it suddenly feels like you have betrayed everyone who knew you as that person?
parang kasalanan ang pagpili sa sarili. na kapag umalpas sa’yong mga bibig ang mga salitang “ako naman muna,” kailangan mo munang pagbayaran.
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na para bang isang utang.
isang utang na hindi ko naman maalala kung kailan ko hiniram.
bakit ganoon?
hindi ba pwedeng mapagod si ate? hindi ba pwedeng magpahinga kahit saglit?
kaya siguro takot akong gumusto ng isang bagay.
if i want something for myself, am i even allowed to have it? maybe i should earn it first. then, i need to prove to myself that i am worthy of that. and if i have to prove that i deserve it, then i suppose i have to prove that i have already given enough.
understood enough.
carried enough.
sacrificed enough.
is it not enough?
ayoko na. nakakapagod pala talaga maging ate.
pwede bang ordinaryong anak na lang ako?
like i’m just an ordinary daughter with ordinary problems. parang mas okay ‘yun, no? an ordinary daughter who doesn’t need to know everything, who can make mistakes without constantly thinking about who will be affected by them. one who is allowed to cry. allowed to say no. allowed to be tired. without having to feel like she has committed some unforgivable sin.
sino kaya ako kung hindi ako si ate? ewan ko.
ang tanging alam ko lang kung sino ako bilang si ate.
naisip ko minsan, isa siguro akong payong.
the kind people look for when it starts raining heavily. you won’t really notice it until you need one. you open it when the sky gets dark, hold it over someone’s head, and make sure they don’t get wet.
that’s what i’ve been doing my whole life. i learned how to stand and love the rain, so that the people i love wouldn’t have to.
and maybe that’s why i never learned what to do when it’s raining on me.
i’ve never lived a version of myself without those three little letters. and i think that’s the saddest thing i’ve ever had to admit about myself. i know so much about the person everyone needs me to be.
alam ko kung paano siya magsalita. kung paano siya kumilos. kung paano siya magbigay. kung paano siya manatili.
oh, right.
i think…
i definitely know how she swallows every word before it even reaches her mouth. alam ko ang pakiramdam ng hapdi sa bawat salitang naiipon sa kaniyang lalamunan, kung paano unti-unting sumisikip ang kaniyang dibdib sa mga bagay na hindi niya masabi. how it settles heavily in her stomach, twisting it until she can no longer tell if what hurts is the words she swallowed or the words she never got to say.
alam ko kung paano niya nilulunok ang mga ‘yun hanggang sa maubos at wala nang matira kundi ang katahimikan.
i know her very well, so well. i’ve lived as her for so long. but ask me who i am without all of that, and suddenly, i feel like a stranger to myself.
si ate kasi dapat mapagparaya. dapat marunong magpatawad. dapat mag-ayos. dapat umintindi. dapat magbigay. dapat mag-adjust. dapat matapang.
dapat.
dapat.
dapat.
ang daming dapat para sa tatlong simpleng mga letra — ate. bukod sa pangalan ko, kaakibat na ng ate ang salitang dapat. ngi. kainis ‘yun ah.
ah wait, gets ko na.
kaya siguro, i longed to be someone who ran away. alam mo ‘yun? what if, for once, i existed somewhere no one knows me? a stranger to a new place, diba?
sabi nga nila, “running away was the most cowardly thing one can do.”
siguro nga, totoo ‘yun. baka nga duwag ako.
but come to think of it… that would be the bravest and most liberating choice an ate could ever make. so if running away is being a coward, then let me be one.
let me run.
let me stumble if i need to.
let me get caught in the rain.
get sick even, i don’t care!
then i’ll ask myself, “sino ba ako kung hindi ako si ate?”
