A Futile Hope: Sharks
Ah, sh*t. Here we go again.
𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟
Anyone who has known me for more than five minutes is aware that I have a profound love of sharks. The depth of my shark-based insanity goes back to my days as a six-year-old, and shows prominently in my life to this day. When I say shark, you probably think of JAWS or that big f*cker from Finding Nemo.
I can say with 100% certainty that sharks are dumb***es, and cannot plan anything, let alone be persuaded to eat squid wings when they are shoved in front of their weirdly shaped faces. It is a miracle they’ve survived this long, with some older species surviving 5 MASS EXTINCTION EVENTS AND OVER 450 MILLION YEARS. My only question is HOW???
While I am endlessly confused by their ability to be living despite all this, I admire their longevity, and their resilience. Evolving from amoebas, and now seen as the King of the Ocean. It’s incredible.
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Cookie Cutter sharks take down predators over 11 times their size, like the elephant seal, whales, tuna, dolphins and many other mammals. These guys are WILD. They have almost sunk submarines, primarily during the 70s and 80s, where they broke navigation systems and outer shells. Literally forced them back to base. Insane little dudes who are 16 inches on average.
Epaulette Sharks willingly walk onto land during low tide to feed. Like, can chill with a 5% oxygen concentration for three hours. A shark so adventurous that my personal experiences with them has mostly consisted of trying to block one from worming its way into a section of the touch tank called “NOT YOUR HABITAT BRO.”
The Greenland Shark can live up to 500 years old. There might be a shark out there who lived through the Renaissance. The general baseline for their lifespan is between 250 and 450 years old, for perspective, the average shark lives 20–30 years. They get up to 21 feet, and their meat is poisonous. The longest living vertebrate has poison skin. I’d say chew on that, but it’d kill you. Most of the adult population has low vision, because a copepod (parasite) called the Ommatokoita latches onto their corneas. Known as the garbage disposals of the sea, these slow-paced scavengers will eat ANYTHING. None of this makes any sense, but they’re out here, chilling in 40˚ F water.
These crazy guys have been chilling out relying on being built by evolution’s strongest players to keep surviving. Tank class fish. Cold dead eyes that seek out anything in the depths, but have the unintended consequence of looking really silly. For these reasons, I present my favorite animal: the Shark.
𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟
