It’s not like I want to have these habits; they just exist. Sure I work on them, and as I start this Medium post I know I have more then just five habits; I also know that I will have a hard time listing them.
I want to push people to talk about their feelings. It is easy for me to switch gears. I’m mad and frustrated, then I am OK and happy. OK — maybe not happy, but I am ready to move forward. People keep and hold on to their angry feelings a lot more than I understand. BUT when people want to talk to me and push me, I can’t hold on to my words. There is a last straw. I might not yell, but I am certainly not ready to discuss what’s happened, and I absolutely say the wrong thing, and its probably a harsh truth.
I will put others first every time and I will feel guilty. I have no doubt that I want people to like me and to not leave me because of abandonment issues (I’ve always thought people who say that should just fix themselves. That is until I realized I was one of them.) I’m sick of people leaving me. I am tortured, still, with others that have left me. I am so desperate to I will hang onto a thread, until I drop, then I’m done. Like done, done. I will write you off like a gnat.
I over gift. I have been known to give stuff away. A lot of stuff. Nothing that I ever relied on, or really loved, just stuff that maybe I don’t need anymore. Like if I have extra cannabis vape carts, I might give one away with a battery. I would definitely use those items. I just don’t need them right now. To that same person, I gave 2 patio chairs to her. She recently moved into the area and she expressed the desire to buy new chairs. I had recently downsized, and I wasn’t using the chairs. Will I need them again? Maybe. But it didn’t matter. Another example. I was arguing with co-workers/friends. In a last-ditch attempt at keeping my only friends, I dropped over $200 on gifts all of them. I put together a delightful gift that celebrated our industry. I never had the chance to hand them out. It was rather awkward as I walked them back to my car at the end of the day.
I trauma dump. If you ask me how I am or how my day is going, I cannot lie. I am still getting used to finding an easier answer that’s not lie. But still. If I meet someone new, and there is even a remote possibility of a close friendship, I let them have it all. I am learning, but still.
I don’t know if I am wrong. Even when I know I am right in the moment; even after I consider my words, I most likely will talk myself into being wrong, which feeds my relationships in a very one-sided negative way.
There, I did it. I came up with at least five of my destructive habits. There are more. I know there are. I hate that there are. Borderline Personality Disorder carries a lot with it.
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