Coming Out To The Golden Girls
Coming out is never easy. The news of what you are coming out with and sharing with the world can depend on a multitude of factors. If you are proverbially coming out and saying you are getting married or pregnant. That news of coming out is a lot different than saying I lost my job or I have cancer.
But the aforesaid are life events that people readily accept without question. No one questions why you got cancer. It is just one of those shitty things that happens to good people. But the one thing you can almost always count on when coming out with the above is people will inevitably say “I’m here for you!” to “Whatever you need, I got you!”
But when you come out as transgender to someone…you can be sure of two things. The first is they will not readily accept what you said without question like the above life events. There is always a confusing perplexing look like “are you sure?” to “you never exhibited any signs that you were trans!” As if there is some big book called “How To Tell if your friend/family member may be Trans — Chapter 1 — Have they started taking an obsessive interest in pickles or salty foods lately?”…don’t even ask me about what Chapter 2 would be lol.
The second is that there is no guarantee that person will be there for you when you need them the most regardless if they are your spouse/kids/family/friends. This news for some reason in incomprehensible more than cancer? Does it not warrant the same need for compassion and acceptance as coming out as transgender?
(NB: This is the part where I understand that cancer is gravely more serious than being transgender but also the part that both deserve the same respect and treatment.)
That is why it is so refreshing…nay RELIEVING when you come out unexpectedly as I recently did and are met with that unequivocable compassion and acceptance as I just experienced.
I have often mentioned in my writings that I walk between 5 and 10 miles a day with my pup Belvedere (see pic below). I NEVER used to do this when I was a guy. For the average man, you don’t go to the doctor unless something is wrong because to admit something is wrong is weakness and weakness is not perceived as manly! I mean preventive care or yearly health checkups…I don’t need them because I am invincible!
So on our walks we encounter a great many adventures. I really could turn them into a book some day. But one such recent adventure takes us to the local Senior Citizen Living Facility literally 2.5 blocks from my house.
While my route changes often to keep things fresh, the end of my route is pretty much the same so I can get to my house. This route goes right by the Senior Center where I have often passed by several lovely ladies usually sitting outside on the porch patio. I never wanted to bother them let alone bring my pup over them because I do not know if they have any kind of allergies or autoimmune deficiencies where a dog might make them more compromised.
Well on a recent walk I heard one of the ladies say “That dog is so cute! He always seems happy with his MOM! Oh I just love dogs!” Hearing this I started to walk slowly and looked up and said “Wanna meet him?” The one woman who I later learned her name was Patty said “Oh gosh yes!”
So me and Belvedere went over there and let me tell you the look on their faces was one of pure joy. They started to give my dog scratchies and one of the ladies named Millie had some peanut butter cookies on the table. She said “Is it ok if I give him a small piece?” I of course said yes and my pup soon decided to make the rounds to all the lovely ladies at the table to whom I lovingly will dub the Golden Girls from the old tv show.
First there was Patty who Belvedere immediately snuggled up against and later I would find out the clear “Dorothy” of the group. Then he made is way to the next chair where Millie was sitting with the cookies. Then to Cathy who was in a wheelchair which had a pouch attached to it with food no doubt as my Belvedere immediately became enamoured with her. Finally there was Cathy who played coy that she was stiff around dogs until Belvedere rested his head in her lap waiting for his required scratchies. I also later found out she has Alzheimer’s so when she kept asking for my dog’s name and I would tell her and she would say “Oh that’s pretty old for a dog!” Not remembering anything I said as Patty mouthed “she won’t remember anything.”
Belvedere and I have been by a few times so far this summer but recently they said “oh we hope to see you tomorrow at the same time!” This was when I was going to break the news that I had my rhinoplasty coming up. Sure rhinoplasty’s are a dime a dozen, but do I mention it is part of my facial FEMINIZATION surgeries (FFS) and out myself to the Golden Girls? How would they react?
In the small talks I had with the Golden Girls, nothing indicated to me that they would be bigots. I know they are of a different generation and most likely may have never met a trans person in their lives. But you can just tell with some people talking to them about the vibe they give off…but when they referred to me as “Mom” to my pup, it kind of put my mind at ease a bit.
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So in that split second to which I could feel the thought in my head slowly coming to form the words in my mouth to utter the below I said f*ck it…here goes:
“Soo I have a surgery coming up, a rhinoplasty…a nose job. It’s part of my facial feminization surgery to finish up my face.”
Looking around all I saw were blank stares kind of in disbelief like them questioning themselves like am I hard of hearing or is that what she really said? To which I bridged the blank stares pretty quickly with:
“I’m trans…I am a trans woman.”
Then the stares became one of shock…but a really good shock in a positive way. Because they thought they were talking to a regular woman with a friendly pup…not a trans woman (NB: This is where I throw the caveat in there that yes I know all trans women are women but each one is different and unique in their own way and trans is just one of those unique aspects that they had never encountered before.)
To which Patty was the first to respond saying “Oh Wow…are you going to be ok? Do you have to stay in the hospital overnight?!? Who is going to take you to the hospital and who is going to take care of Belvdere?”
Like see, how hard is it people to act like Patty did? Literally this woman has seen and done so much in her life and in that moment she showed nothing but compassion and acceptance all at once. It was a relief because when you come out to someone you just never really know how they will react.
Millie was the second to respond “So how long will you be out for? Because that will give me time to have doggy treats ready for Belvedere!” Clearly I was chop liver next to my dog but hey I’ll take that any day of the week the attitude of like “So cool, whatever…when can we see your dog again?!”” lol
Everyone else was silent but definitely not scared off. I mean they could have easily gotten up and walked off but they didn’t. Instead they stuck around for a floodgate of questions that all came from Patty. After each question she would be like “Oh…ooh…umm I shouldn’t be asking this…are you sure it’s ok?”
So I happily told them like everyone else I meet “I am an open book, you can ask me anything!” And so I went into further detail about my facial feminization surgery (FFS) last year to my breast augementation surgery to my vaginoplasty next year. All the while I could see I was satisfying their childlike curiosity with real answers from a real trans woman. Not any of that false rhetoric that is in the news or from some other biased bigoted source.
That is precisely why I am an open book. Clearly the Golden Girls had never met a trans person before so I think we have to have that grace and patience to show people we are regular people just like anyone else, but with a different journey than others. Also it is a wonderful to be able to educate someone who has that sincere and genuine curiosity and might never have the opportunity again to get real honest answers.
Funny thing happened when I went into further details about the different kinds of bottom surgeries i.e. the full depth / partial depth and zero depth. The Golden Girls minds were blown and Patty blurted out “So is there like a vagina catalog you can just pick your vagina out of?” Well…sort of but not really lol. Just a lot of research is needed just like with anything else.
After I came out to the Golden Girls, it was getting late and then Patty remarked “I am so glad I met you Amber. You have taught me so much!” I of course said likewise, and “If you think of anything else to ask later on, remember I am an open book so you can ask me anything!” Trust me Patty, I love that I am able to share my journey with you all and also educate you in the process. I love that my dog was the bridge between us and I got the opportunity to build up this relationship as in a way it was fate that brought us together.
Also…my dog thinks you all are pretty wonderful human beings as well as he now starts wagging his tail in anticipation of the bacon doggy treats that Millie is at the ready with.
Stay tuned as I just had my rhinoplasty and will be writing about that later in the week (spoiler alert…it went well!)
All the Best!
- Amber
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