CHILDREN OF BIPOLAR PARENT
Tim J.
Rebuilding
Parenting is a long-haul obligation. It is about demonstrating strong character and building trust between children and their parents. This strong foundation will provide stability over a long span of time from cradle to grave. Early in my daughter’s development, a switch flipped in my brain. I began to experience mood swings and brain fog. I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 Disorder. The foundation upon which I taught my daughters to be good and productive humans had tilted.
The Foundation Tilts
The last 5 years have been unbelievably hard on my daughters. I have spiraled downward into depression and back up into hypomania. I am an older dad, and I was recently diagnosed with Bipolar 2 recently after struggling for about 15 years. Throughout those years, I have been symptomatic with depression and anxiety. My previous diagnosis was Major Depressive Disorder. My children have seen me at my highest and my lowest states. They stopped coming to me for advice, consolation, and reassurance. They mainly relied on their mom. Last year I had (5) cycles of ups and downs from depression to hypomania and back. The ups have been short lived, but the lows have been long lasting. Our glowing smiles turned upside down to frowns, and we’ve crawled along in survival mode.
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This journey has been a tough, embarrassing display of my fallibility. My wife and daughters have struggled with all the household chores and heavy lifting. Most of my days have been spent in the lows of depression. I’ve sat on the couch binge watching TV or lying in bed in a fog just barely surviving. I once considered myself a noble father. One who was arrayed like a military general with metals of honor across his lapel. I thought that I had gravitas, which is integrity and fidelity of character. However, after long stretches of emotional unavailability my family seems to perceive me as a remnant of my former self.
A Different Baseline
Currently, I’m nearing the point of a mood state called euthymia. This is a period of neutral mood that occurs in between depressive and hypomanic episodes. I attribute this progress to counsel from an excellent psychiatrist and an excellent therapist. I am emotionally invested in my family’s long-haul journey. I realize that I can’t afford to lose any ground. In my recovery, the frowns are now inverted to smiles. Our family is now having engaging conversations, playful banter, attending church, and making the children’s extracurricular events.
From Survival to Living Mode
Now that I am in a better place, I realize that my family isn’t looking for two or three months of bliss. This time around, I am watching my behavioral patterns and learning how and when my brain works best. It has taken quite some time for psychiatric doctors to uncover the best treatment plan to help me function optimally. I’ve developed a daily routine of things that give me a dopamine boost: self-care, exercise, writing, reading audiobooks, cooking, tinkering, and gardening. These routines strengthen me avoid fatigue confusion, which leads to depression.
Maintenance
On one extreme, hypomania compels me to rise early in the mornings to conquer the world. Conversely, depression drives me to an isolated and reclusive existence. Living in a neutral state requires me to acknowledge both potential extremes of mood and make the best choices possible. I’ve learned many coping skills and have identified most of my triggers. I see clearly that parenting my daughters is a long-haul obligation.
I’ve had to start from scratch with gaining my daughter’s trust. The rebuilding of trust is not measured in months, years, or decades. I resist the urge to emotionally react, and I focus on regaining their trust by thoughtfully responding. Every day I’m mindful to count the small victories. These accomplishments give me the boost to rise up each day determined to maintain the gains and continue to improve my weaknesses. My goal is to maintain their trust and my character.
