Practical Tips for Birth-Partners 🐣

Giving birth is wild. Mind-blowing, heart melting, soul lifting. Exhilarating. And exhausting. Definitely exhausting.

It’s just a few mere hours or days in a lifetime. And yet it’s seismic.

Obviously Mum is the star of the show. Us birth partners are mere bit parts. But both times I’ve been involved in a birth, I’ve found the supporting role to be pretty full on. Perhaps I was underprepared; maybe we drew some short straws; or I’m just an an anxious type? Either way I’ve learned that birth — like so many things — has a huge amount to do with collaboration. It turns out us birth partners can actually play a pretty pivotal role.

Before I go on I want to recognise that everybody’s story is unique. On the one hand, we all face some fairly similar challenges and constraints... On the other, it’s a massive privilege to even be able to have a baby. And we each show up to the party with vastly different backgrounds, resources and preferences. Different strokes for different folks.

Clearly, I’m no expert in this area. But in simple solidarity with anyone else on this path, I want to share a few practical things that I (think?! 🥴) I might have liked hearing.

*These reflections are based on two lengthy (40hrs+) hospital-based births. They’re specifically intended for birth partners — otherwise I might have written this a bit differently. And of course please just take or leave the bits that sound useful to you. Perhaps you will be one of the blessed few for whom childbirth is all happily done and dusted in a few hours? Amen to that. In case not, read on…

10 Practical Tips

#1. Tapering

Wow. Childbirth is truly amazing. And it’s A LOT. As several midwives have since gleefully told us, it’s called ‘Labour’ for a reason.

Even then, some things in life you can just power through, right? Probably not this one.

As soon as possible (and definitely from week 37 onwards) I’d encourage you and Mum-to-be to get yourself into relax mode. Basically, imagine you’re about to run a marathon. Potentially through the night(s). Your partner is about to run an ultra. And the only physio on hand will be… you!

I’ve run a few marathons and I’d suggest preparing yourselves in the same way: eat/drink/sleep well, get work and life pressures squared away, and start tapering as you approach the big day i.e. do progressively less. You want to try to arrive at the start line smiling and in good shape.

#2. Fear

Were you ever anxious during Covid? Can you recall the moment? How did you feel? Where did you feel it? What were your coping mechanisms?

Take note. Because that little pattern might be about to reoccur.

In each of our two birth experiences my partner and I have had an anxious moment or two. Mercifully temporary, all in safe hands, but definite flashes of fear.

For example: discovering labour hadn’t progressed quite as far as we had imagined; watching a partner in pain; overhearing other women in late stage Labour; nervy moments around the epidural (kind of like trying to land a plane in an extreme storm); concerns about the baby etc. The only reason I’m sharing any of these is because, as all good scouts know: best be prepared.

Rarely has any other birth partner admitted any fear to me. Maybe I’m just a big wimp. Or maybe most reply with ‘it was all fine’ because we’re not encouraged to say much more? Or we simply haven’t heard many stories to identify with? We do sometimes have to set aside how we are really feeling in order to be a calm, stable, reassuring presence. Someone our partners can lean on, literally. Maybe it’s all of these things.

But anxiety is a totally normal, natural feeling. Emotions we repress and don’t revisit can cause problems later. And fear is an inevitable consequence of adrenaline.

It just so happens that fear and adrenaline are also baby kryptonite. The more of these Mum feels, the slower her Labour is likely to be. Nightmare.

So admit no anxiety, right? Or squash it or something? ‘Pain is just fear leaving the body’. Erm, I’ve found it far more effective option to expect and prepare for these strong emotions in advance.

Soldiers preparing for combat learn tactical breathing: 4:4 to settle nervous systems, 4:6 to down-regulate. Buddhist monks use a technique called Tong Len, actively naming strong emotions you might be feeling out loud in order to feel less overwhelmed. Therapists use strong sensory experiences to help people anchor themselves in a moment. Just find and deploy whatever works for you.

What any Mum needs most of all, I think, is for a birth partner to be emotionally available and present. By doing this prep — putting your own oxygen mask on first — I believe you’ll have a far better chance of staying centred (and helping Mum to do the same) if/when things get a little wild.

#3. The BRAINS Trust

One more on the feelings front. What’s your historic relationship with authority? Rebellious? Fearful? People pleasing? Compliant?

Again, I’d encourage you to check in with yourself in this area. Anticipate your habitual patterns, get ready to recognise them, and figure out how you can work with that. Expect the unexpected.

Most medical staff you will meet are amazing. Equally, they’re often overworked, they can be a little impatient and they’re ultimately also all only human.

One of your key jobs, I think, is to politely remind everyone and anyone that Mum is the one in the driving seat. Everything, no matter how seemingly urgent, should happen with her not to her. Consent is paramount.

That might feel odd at times. The doctor or midwife has been here hundreds, maybe even thousands of times before, surely they know best? Maybe. This is also the first time they’ve ever met or seen Mum, they will have only spent a few minutes or hours with her body vs the lifetime she’s had getting to know it, and she (as with all of us) is idiosyncratic and unique. Don’t be afraid of following your instincts, and hers.

Whenever there’s a choice to be made, or if things ever start to feel tricky or pressurised, my wife and I found the BRAINS acronym very useful:

Benefits of this option?

Risks of this option?

Alternatives to this option?

Intuition: what does her/your intuition say?

Now: does this have to happen right now?

Space — give us some space to think.

Keep this acronym close to hand. Walk through it with Mum at any decision moment that you feel even slightly stressed about. We did that a few times, good medical professionals were always happy to oblige, and it works.

#4. Birth Plan

Read and reread your partner’s birth plan. Memorise the main themes and her key wishes. If you’re going into hospital, her hospital notes will be taken as soon as you arrive so I’d suggest keeping your own copy of the birth plan or it’s key points to hand. In a way that you could recall even if your wife is dazed and it’s the middle of the night… I nipped off to the loo to discretely remind myself of my wife’s clear-minded wishes a couple of times. Obviously, it’s not always possible to follow the precise plan but it’s always feasible to find ways to stick to the spirit of it.

#5. Hypno Hypno

Hypnobirthing is ace . In particular, Nissa the Hypnobirthing Midwife was a great help to us. What a legend. Some of the things I’ve realised since birth number one and jotted down here are thanks to Nissa.

From Nissa, for example, I learned that conversation gets us into the thinking part of the brain (the neocortex), which makes adrenaline more likely, which just slows everything right down… Nightmare. Better, instead, to find ways for Mum to be as undisturbed as possible.

Also from Nissa I got my favourite power tool: a little pocket-sized leaflet. I love that leaflet. It’s a game-changer. It was literally in my back pocket for the entire 38hours of our last Labour and I must have looked at it 15+ times. It felt like I had a team mate right there with me, willing me on from the sidelines. We all need a shoulder to lean on.

Nissa also has some excellent audio tracks: visualisations, breath-work, basic relaxing ‘spa music’. Download these onto your phone (don’t depend on dodgy hospital WiFi), bring a little speaker (and a phone charging cable), and get set to play lots of these tracks, repeatedly. They’re golden.

Once or twice I noticed my wife getting a bit stuck in her head and starting to get stressed. Oh, hello neocortex! Rather than trying to talk our way out of it I just pressed play. Almost immediately I could see her drop out of her head, back into her body and relax a little — bingo. Goodbye adrenaline.

#6. Zen space.

If you’re lucky you’ll be at home or in some snazzy birthing room. Or, like us, you might wind up in a hyper-functional hospital space. Time to revert to DIY.

The good news is that you can recreate a high-end spa for about a tenner in almost any circumstances — just tap into the five senses:

• Touch — use your hands to support, stroke, strongly massage. All of those have a place at different moments. Any and all consensual physical contact is actually spot on. Google acupressure points. Follow your partners feedback — verbal and nonverbal. And top tip: a massage roller ball is easy for you to use for hours and awesome for Mum.
• Smell — smell is one of our most powerful senses and will most likely be very heightened for Mum. I don’t think you have to overcomplicate it: we had some lavender in a spray mist bottle (helpful for relaxation and removing any unpleasant hospital odours), a small bottle of Clary Sage oil that I used to massage Mum at different points, and a nice energising oil mix that I dropped onto her flannel for an easy boost at times.
• Sound — see Hypnobirthing above. Both births we’ve also made use of the same epic playlist: Grounding Sounds. Made by a friend it’s been a winner throughout both of our births — helping to create a calming, encouraging vibe; suitable for any time for day or night. Everyone seems to love it so check it out. Top tip: I’d pack a pair of overhead headphones (the noise cancelling type) and a mini speaker. The headphones can be invaluable to staying chill in more stressful spaces e.g. triage, the speaker can help to transform the Delivery room.
• Sight — Women’s bodies produce melatonin in the dark, which supercharges Oxytocin, which facilitates Labour... So you’re going to want to turn the lights down and create something of a liminal space. An eye mask is essential. And you can pull down blinds in the delivery rooms, ask Midwives to respect this, and play with the light switches — we turned everything off apart from one small lamp.
• Taste — see fuelling below.

With all of this up your sleeve (and in your bag) you’re set.

NB a brief word about my phone: in theory, I wanted to leave it out of the picture. Be fully present. But that was pretty tough. There’s lots of waiting around, for both of you. Phones can play useful audio tracks, films, games. And tbh sometimes a bit of distraction is just what we needed. But it can definitely kill the mood, get you into the wrong headspace, and — the biggest risk — you might start getting messages from the outside world that you’d rather not be dealing with. Buzzkill. Hooray for Airplane mode.

#7. Your bag.

I mentioned ultramarathons above. If you’ve ever run one then this aspect — gathering the right kit, packing it carefully, knowing where everything is — will be very familiar. It’s key for the win.

I actually felt a bit embarrassed about the size of our bags going in. Don’t. Nobody gave a shit. And I was so glad of everything we bought. In fact, after baby had arrived, I even had to go home for some stuff we’d missed.

To try and help you avoid that, here’s our list from the last time. That was a VBAC so we had to do quite a bit of early labour in hospital and brought things for this too. That said, I’d probably now bring almost everything below anyway. Whatever you take, you should be the one to pack it.

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For Mum:*

• Dressing gown and slippers
• Flannel
• Essential oils
• Eye Mask
• Hair ties
• Hair band
• Over-ear Headphones
• Massage Roller Ball
• Refillable water bottle, pref with straw
• Snacks
• Coconut Water or Energy drink
• Pillow
• Spare warm socks
• Maternity Pads
• Disposable underwear
• High waisted pants (in case of c-section)
• Witch Hazel spray (for postnatal soothing down below)
• Handheld fan
• Wash bag inc hairbrush, luxury shower gel, toothbrush & toothpaste, moisturiser
• 2 changes of clothes (comfy)
• Affirmation cards
• Photo(s) of your older kids (if you have any!)
• Fully charged mini speaker
• Phone charging cable
• Pack of cards
• iPad or equivalent with comedy film and/or series downloaded
• Ear plugs (in case you have to stay in)

*FYI your partner will almost definitely give birth wearing a hospital gown. Towels for her are also provided.

For Baby:

• Nappies, nappy bags, cotton wool
• 3 or 4 vests (i.e. spares for if you have to stay in and inevitable accidents)
• 3 or 4 sleep suits (at this early stage, we far prefer zipped ones)
• Going Home Coat
• Hat
• Baby wipes and/or muslins (x2)
• Blanket (for going home)
• Car seat (don’t need to bring in to start with)

For you, the birth partner:

• Something to help you sleep on the floor eg roll mat or Thermarest
• Pillow (or nick Mum’s spare one overnight)
• Snacks inc some substantial bits
• Toothbrush
• 2 spare tops (I found a quick change and a brush of my teeth after a long night to be a good mental refresh)
• Eye Mask or equivalent (I had a snood I could pull over my eyes)
• Hat
• Coat
• Nissa’s Card for Partners
• Phone with Hypnobirthing tracks + playlist downloaded
• Copy of birth plan
• Book (to kill time!)

#8. Sleep.

We all need it. But Labour may well start in the middle of the night. It might end there. And there is a decent chance of it spanning a few days and nights in between.

As long as you’re well fed, watered and have moments of rest you can handle it. One night without sleep is ok. Especially if you show up well prepared. After one night it starts to get harder.

Hospitals tend to offer you a high backed arm chair and little more. So I strongly suggest you bring yourself a pillow, some kind of ground mat to sleep on, and wear layers — maybe bring a coat or a blanket. Chairs are almost impossible to sleep in and the floor is a cold & breezy place.

You might feel like you don’t want to miss anything but a couple of hours sleeping cosily on the floor in the corner of the room, well insulated, will likely serve your team well. Remember this is a marathon and not a sprint.

#9. Fuelling.

A huge part of everyone’s energy, mood and resolve revolves around what we’ve had to eat and drink. Remember this is about keeping things progressing as comfortably as possible. As the only one who is with Mum throughout, you have a big role to play in ensuring hydration and calorie intake stay where they need to be.

The hospital will probably provide you both with tea, coffee, juice, biscuits. Don’t be afraid to ask. On the postnatal ward Mum will also be offered hospital meals — but you won’t.

I’ll break down your shared fuelling needs into stages:

• Early Labour — eat (and try to get your partner to eat) something substantial before you go anywhere near hospital. She might not feel keen but she will need the calories. As will you. You’ll be glad if it’s a hot meal.
• Labour progressing / Delivery room — for Mum pack a mix of snacks: salt, sweet, dry/plain. Make sure it’s also stuff you like and there’s plenty of it and you’ll be covered between you. From my experience it’s impossible to know what she will feel like. First time around my wife wanted only sugar, second time nothing sweet. Either way, eating and drinking are crucial to maintaining energy. If/when blood sugar (and the mood) drops, it takes 15mins after a sugar hit for things to pick back up. If nausea is a problem, crystallised ginger can really help. We had fruit and nut bars, chocolate, haribo, salty mixed nuts, some very plain sandwiches and a big bag of tortilla chips. I also went to the shop a good few times throughout! Can be good to check opening times in advance.
• Postnatal — unless she’s been in theatre she’ll probably be starving. Deliveroo. Seriously, it’s an option. My wife had a pizza that she could eat bit by bit and loved it. Hospitals also have canteens that are open to anyone, all day, and offer well priced food (and fancy coffee) you can take away — treat yourself!

#10. Disembarkation?

Both times I’ve been a little unsure and/or surprised about the moments immediately after birth so I’m going to spell out what I think (usually) happens, in both the delivery room or theatre (without general anaesthetic) in case you find it helpful to know what to expect:

Step one, baby will hopefully go straight onto Mum’s chest for skin to skin for as long as possible — be prepared for this to not be as long as you might wish. At some point the placenta will appear, swiftly if via injection or more slowly without.

Step two, babies cord is cut (by you if you want) and they’ll be taken to the corner of the room, cleaned up a bit, checked over by a paediatric doctor, and finally handed back to you. All this will happen as quickly as possible but it can take a wee while. During this time it’s also likely that any repairs Mum might need will take place.

Step three, you can pass baby back to Mum or — if that isn’t possible — unbutton your shirt and give baby skin to skin until Mum is available again.

And live happily ever after. Kind of.

Actually this is the beginning of the journey, not the end. You and Mum have probably just met two whole new people: her and baby. But the good news is this isn’t a standing start — in fact, almost everything learned and implemented above can set you up brilliantly for what’s to come.

Starting with three more weeks of intensive support for Mum! On a serious note, I know that much leave isn’t always easy but now that I’m right in the middle of it, I fully believe that every co-parent really should try to take 3 weeks off if you possibly can. For one thing, babies have no idea about the difference between night and day, if you want to breast feed they’ll want it every 3–4 hours at most, and Mum needs to somehow find some space and time to sleep —because that is when our bodies heal and recover.

—

Good luck! You’ve got this.

When the moment comes, just remember you’re one of a worldwide brother-and-sisterhood of birth partners, all helping new lives into our world at the same time. Magic.

If you want to suggest any additions or amendments to what I’ve drafted here (amidst some sleepless nights and nappy-riddled days) please do. You can add a comment below or drop me a line at heinemannde [at] gmail.com

Finally, here’s a few more resources that inspired some of this and which are brilliantly helpful:

• This episode of The Great Birth Rebellion podcast has a memorable analogy and tonnes of helpful pointers.
• Nissa, The Hypnobirthing Midwife, runs excellent courses online and in-person in East London. Her website also has great links to loads of other brilliant resources.
• Best Beginnings have a great website and a super useful app with tonnes of good practical advice made by parents for parents on things like breastfeeding: