How Bad Is Bad?
When Someone Else’s Story Becomes Your Fear
I love love.
I’m talking about romantic love, the kind that grows into marriage and building a life with someone. It’s something I’ve always looked forward to. I won’t pretend I haven’t wished it would happen sooner. I have!
But wanting something deeply has never made me want to get it outside of God’s will. If I have to wait, I’ll wait. I’d rather have God’s timing than rush into something He never intended for me.
Still, I realized something recently. Although I longed for marriage, I had quietly become afraid of it. Amazingly, not because of my own experiences but because of other people’s.
Growing up, I witnessed marriages that left a mark on me. I saw relationships where the children became the entire focus while the marriage itself slowly faded into the background. I saw husbands who treated their wives as though marriage automatically gave them authority without responsibility, as though saying, “I’m your husband,” was enough reason to dismiss her opinions, ignore her feelings, or make every decision without her. Yet when it came to financial matters, she suddenly became his teammate.
I watched women carry burdens they weren’t meant to carry alone; I watched love become obligation, respect even become control.
I love women. I love seeing people genuinely love each other. So without realizing it, I soaked in those experiences. They quietly shaped the way I viewed marriage. I found myself thinking, Maybe certain kinds of men are like this. Or maybe people in particular professions tend to behave this way because I’d seen a few examples that seemed to confirm it.
Little by little, I began building walls around a future I hadn’t even lived yet.
Recently, I realized I had been making decisions based on battles that were never mine to fight. The marriages I had witnessed were real; the pain was real, but their stories were not prophecies over my life.
I had forgotten every marriage has its own story. People make choices. They experience different circumstances. Some discover things they could never have predicted. Some fight through difficulties together, and others don’t. Their story belongs to them, and mine belongs to God.
So I started asking myself, How bad is bad?
How bad should someone else’s experience be before it begins writing the script for my future?
Should it teach me wisdom? Absolutely.
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Should it destroy my hope? Never.
Somewhere along the way, I had become so focused on the unhealthy marriages I’d seen that I overlooked the beautiful ones standing right in front of me.
There are healthy marriages; there are husbands who honor their wives; there are wives who respect and encourage their husbands; there are couples who genuinely enjoy each other; there are families where love, friendship, laughter, and commitment coexist.
For a while, I was even tempted to believe those marriages weren’t real, that maybe they were pretending. Because once fear settles into your heart, it starts looking for evidence to support itself.
I thought it was almost impossible to balance marriage, work, ministry, children, and personal growth. I assumed something would always have to suffer, and that “something” would probably be the marriage. But that’s not the whole story.
Can you do everything perfectly? Probably not.
Can you build a healthy marriage while pursuing the life God has called you to? Yes.
Not necessarily because it’s easy, but because healthy marriages are intentional and require shared values, commitment, communication, prayer, accountability and grace. The willingness to keep choosing each other.
Notice I haven’t said anything about perfection because I don’t believe it exists. It’s about finding someone you genuinely love and who genuinely loves you, someone who is running toward the same purpose, whose values align with yours, who is willing to grow with you, and who is committed to continually submitting your relationship to God.
None of that guarantees a perfect marriage, but I believe it creates the kind of foundation where love can flourish.
So if you’ve witnessed difficult marriages, whether it was your parents’, relatives’, neighbors’, or people you admire, I understand how deeply those experiences can affect you.
Learn from them; let them make you discerning, let them teach you what to embrace and what to avoid, but never let them steal your future.
If you’re walking alongside someone whose marriage is struggling, pray with them. Support them and encourage them toward wise counsel. But don’t build your future around the assumption that their story will become yours.
Your life is fresh, God is intentional about you, and He is still writing beautiful stories.
So, how bad is bad? Bad enough to teach you. Not bad enough to convince you that your future is already decided.
Let’s choose wisely, seek godly counsel and get mentor(s) whose marriages reflect the kind of life you want to build. And above all, trust God enough to believe that someone else’s ending doesn’t have to become your beginning.
You matter, and I’m rooting for you.
