A Monster Munch
English humour resembles the Loch Ness Monster in that both are famous but there is a strong suspicion that neither exists — George Mikes, a Hungarian writer/journalist
They say that where there’s muck, there’s brass and similarly in Scotland where’s there’s monsters, there’s brass too, lots of it!
The legend of Nessie brings in a fortune for the local economy in and around Inverness from tourism and merchandise sales. However, cancer charities make much needed income from a multitude of sponsored events around the Loch. It’s a win-win!
Hot off the press, it seems that while people have been catching glimpses of ‘Nessie’ in Loch Ness for centuries, a recent study by the University of St Andrews has suggested that people who claim to have seen the monster are not influenced by the outdated but popular imagery of three distinct humps protruding from the very cold, deep, dark water.
The Loch Ness Centre looked at the history of the current cultural prevalence of a humped monster and found that around 30% of postcards contained the historical hooped imagery. This hasn’t put people off and now the most popular but unlikely concept of Nessie incarnate is often that of a prehistoric, plesiosaur like creature.
However, this is counter-balanced by the merchandise that is populated by a fluffy, bright green, three humped soft-toy wearing a Tam o’ Shanter, (tartan cloth cap) that is also the title of a Robert Burns narrative poem written in 1790! He also wrote some famous prose about Loch Ness called ‘Lines On The Fall Of Fyers Near Loch Ness’ that goes like this: ‘Among the heathy hills and ragged woods, The roaring Fyers pours his mossy floods; Till full he dashes on the rocky mounds, Where, thro’ a shapeless breach, his stream resounds’.
You can buy these green animals and thousands of other items of tourist tat, all along the main A82 from Inverness towards Fort William and the 36 miles or so of Nessie country. The Bard would have his head in his hands had he seen the impact of the Scottish themed merchandise here and also even more so in Edinburgh, the Auld Reekie especially within the increasingly ‘Disneyfication’ of the golden triangle of the Royal Mile, Princess Street and the Mound.
If you foolishly drive to Fort Augustus from Inverness in the height of summer, a very small town located at the southern end of Loch Ness, you will see just what I mean. For the purist, there is the continuation of the Caledonian canal, the water way built by Thomas Telford that joins Inverness to Fort William and saves shipping having to circumnavigate the entire north of the UK and take a chance on traversing the infamous and often dangerous Pentland Firth.
From here, the only escape from stormy weather would be Scapa Flow, a safe haven and body of water surrounded by the Orkney Islands.
Its sheltered waters have played an important role in trade and conflict throughout recent centuries. Vikings anchored vessels there and in both world wars it was the UK’s main naval base but also where Germany scuttled its fleet in 1919 rather than face the consequences of the Versailles Treaty and having 74 ships of the Imperial German Navy’s High Seas Fleet confiscated. Nowadays, aside from being a huge natural harbour, it is also an internationally acclaimed diving site.
Boats can still use the canal today to travel from mainland Europe, Scandinavia and the North Sea via the Moray Firth to Ireland by simply cutting off a big corner of Scotland. Fort Augustus has 5 locks (that’s locks and not Lochs) that raise the canal from the circa 35-mile long Loch Ness to a reasonably flat traverse until you arrive at Neptune’s Staircase a few miles from Fort William, where 8 locks lower the canal down to the North Atlantic Ocean.
The canal took circa 21 years to build from its formal design acceptance through to its official opening in 1822 and is about 60 miles long, of which 22 miles are man-made ‘navvy’ built, the remainder being formed by a number of fresh water lochs, the longest being Loch Ness. There are 29 locks and 11 bridges along the waterway, all of which are operated these days by Scottish Canals.
The canal was a vitally important trade route in Victorian times and was increased in depth and lock size over the years to take ever larger ships. Now it tends to be used by leisure motor boats rented from ‘Caley Cruises’ and many sea-going yachts of all shapes and sizes. The other day I bumped into a large one, on its way from Sweden to its owner’s home in Virginia, North America having been built in Scandinavia a year earlier, a bucket list journey for the lucky owner.
However, returning to Fort Augustus this small town has become ‘Disneyfied’ just like other parts of Scotland with thousands of tourists, merchandise shops, fast food restaurants, Nessie hunting trips and packed boats sailing along the Loch. While you travel down from Inverness, places like Nessie Land, the Loch Ness Museum and many tourist hotels largely themed on the Loch and the monster abound, with visitors lapping it all up!
The River Ness is essentially a huge drain at the northern tip of the loch flowing into the Moray Firth with massive quantities of water flowing out at its tidal end and so most ‘monsters’ would have little trouble escaping the confines of the Loch when the river is at its highest after heavy snow or rain in the Great Glen. You can often see Dolphins in the brackish water close to the town while the flow rate is up to massive 300 cubic metres per second, one of the largest in the UK.
Going back to Nessie, it’s been said that a swimming method involving having three humps exposed above the water level would be very inefficient, so no real creatures would swim this way on the surface which is backed up by the fact that only 1.5% of reported sightings of a monster over recent times include a description like the cuddly green toys suggesting that spotters are not subject to monstrous confirmation bias, tradition or cultural expectations at all!
Interestingly, the earliest accounts of a monster date back to the 6th century and St Columba where legend dictates that in 565 AD, he banished a ‘Water Monster’ back into the River Ness, when he saw it attacking a disciple. Gaelic for monster is ‘Uilebheist’, the name of a new distillery and brewery on the banks of the River Ness, located in the city and the Loch Ness Monster is known as ‘Uilebheist Loch Nis’ in the same language.
The legend became ingrained in popular parlance in the early 30s when a long necked plesiosaur like animal with flippers was ‘spotted’ and to this day the existence of a monster has yet to be proven while myth, folklore, UFO style sightings on the water surface and a large amount of hoaxes have all proven to be more successful than finding an animal or fish in its own right. Even DNA testing of water samples has yet to find anything out of the ordinary.
Humans, as always extremely inquisitive, have tried to prove or disprove the legend many times using sonar devices, underwater cameras, infra-red photography and echography but none have resulted in positive news. Some researchers are so dedicated that they live full time by the loch, looking out over the water every day.
A surviving Plesiosaur has been mooted as mentioned above but as the Plesiosaurs went extinct at the end of the Cretaceous period, approximately 66 million years ago, as part the extinction event that wiped out the Dinosaurs when a large asteroid hit the Earth near the Yucatan Peninsula, this isn’t possible. Geologically, Loch Ness far too young to contain such an animal, probably too cold and lacking sufficient food sources no matter how nice that would be!
A creature such as the huge Greenland Shark or even large European eels are now the most talked about, contemporary solution to the conundrum hiding in the 227-meter depths but the tourists keep touring, the hoaxers keep hoaxing, the believers keep believing and large amounts of green, fluffy, humped, cuddly toys keep appearing in the shops, keeping everyone very happy!
What happens if Nessie is found?
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There is actually an official contingency plan! It is a set of guidelines written by Scotland’s nature agency, NatureScot and created in 2001 when Nessie hunting was in it’s prime. The code of practice, which was intended to be both serious and fun, offered protection not just to Nessie, but to any new species discovered in Loch Ness.
The plan dictates that a DNA sample is taken from any discovered new species and then it’s released back into the loch with the animal protected in statute as with Scotland’s other native wildlife like the amazing Golden Eagle.
Times have changed in that back in the 30s a group of Nessie Hunters set out to catch the creature ‘dead or alive’ in order to make their fortune, you couldn’t do this today!
A carcinogenic pesticide released in Loch Ness
An active petition has now reached over 10,000 signatures in 2025 after ten Scottish Lochs were polluted by a pesticide used by fish farms to control fungus, parasites and other diseases back in 2019.
Named: ‘Stop Toxic Salmon Farm Chemicals Polluting Scottish Lochs’, the representation to the Cabinet Secretary for Environment, Climate Change and Land Reform argues that the use of Formaldehyde in freshwater lochs should be banned until a public consultation on its safety and use can be held.
The petition is here: https://you.38degrees.org.uk/petitions/stop-toxic-salmon-farm-chemicals-polluting-scottish-lochs for your interest.
It was suggested that more than 22 tonnes of formaldehyde, the gaseous state of the liquid disinfectant formalin, which is carcinogenic, toxic and widely used as an embalming fluid and for the preservation of biological and medical specimens were released into cages to disinfect salmon in Loch Ness, Loch Sheil, Loch Lochy and seven other lochs over a nine month period in 2019.
The residents of Lochaber and other Highland locations were worried that public water supplies might be affected by this. The Scottish Environment and Protection Agency or SEPA have said that over 22 tonnes of formaldehyde were used by 12 fish farms on 29 occasions between April and December 2019 with prior approval given.
The petition asks that research is carried out into the impact of these discharges on the environment and the health and safety risks to the local population, bearing in mind its ability to cause cancer. Locals have suggested that the Lochs now smell and wildlife has been affected but the companies involved state that formaldehyde is soluble, used in its liquid state (formalin) and breaks down in water and indeed my research found that and I quote ‘Formaldehyde does not accumulate in the environment as it is broken down within a few hours by sunlight or by bacteria present in soil or water’. The residents are more concerned with accidental discharges of larger ‘overdose’ volumes or those that have not been approved.
Salmon farming in Scotland is a very contentious food source as it is, while unregulated or accidental use of carcinogenic compounds will not help with its image whatsoever. Formaldehyde was classified as a human carcinogen by the UK government in 2016.
The Scottish Greens are also concerned over the treatment of sea lice using a neonicotinoid chemical called Ectosan that has also been said to harm bees, although an aquatic version of ‘Bombus’ is as yet unknown to me.
At one loch it’s been reported by concerned locals that the water no longer supports wild trout, otters and ospreys and that the cumulative impact of the cocktail of chemicals used in salmon farming might not yet be fully understood and is essentially an accident wating to happen.
SEPA have stated that want to decrease the use of pesticides at fish farms but the use of formalin requires pre-authorisation with regards to limits and quantities used and audits are routinely undertaken to check this.
Monster Munch — it has to be pickled onion flavour!
Monster Munch are a corn snack created by Smiths in 1977 and manufactured by Walkers these days and at the time of their release, ground-breaking. For me they were huge feet, to some they were monster vertebrae or even actual monsters. Originally beef flavoured, it was pickled onion that everyone remembers as you either loved them or hated them!
The snack was originally called ‘The Prime Monster’ something that I do not recall at all and they were renamed “Monster Munch” in 1978 and a nice headline title for this blog!
Cancer charities raise much needed funds, it’s a win-win
As with a walk from Land’s End to John O’Groats, many charities use the iconic Loch Ness and its surrounding stunning landscape for fundraising events to support people diagnosed with cancer.
Macmillan Cancer Support organizes the hugely popular Etape Loch Ness cycle event, Cancer Research UK arranges the Loch Ness Marathon and many other people simply organise their own sponsored walk, canoe, run, or sail and raise funds in memory of relatives and friends.
The marathon will be sponsored by Baxters in 2025, the company famous for cans of soup here!
George Mikes
George was a journalist, writer and humourist, best known for his amusing commentaries on the various countries he visited. He wrote books such as ‘English Humour for Beginners’ and ‘How to be a Brit’ in the 80s and so his quote at the start of this piece is both right and wrong but also laced with some learned but subtle irony. He also wrote all the way back in 1946 his most famous tome called ‘How to be an Alien’ where he suggests that queuing is Britain’s ‘national passion’, probably a true reflection of one of our main societal quirks. In English Humour for Beginners he states that ‘An Englishman, even if he is alone, forms an orderly queue of one’!
Being Hungarian, George as with other people who either visit here on holiday or move here to live from overseas as he did either struggle to understand our daily use of humour in conversation or as with George, feel like they need to explain it for the benefit of their contemporaries in writing!
In discussions with each other we often use irony, self-deprecation, idioms (it’s raining cats and dogs), understatement, sarcasm and what might seem to be hurtful jokes directly at one another but largely said in jest. This totally confuses foreign people who simply want to be able to speak English here, order a meal and understand the root of the language better but just don’t get it at all. When you call your friend a ‘numpty’ out loud in the pub, the foreigner contingent are often ashamed!
Lastly, while we also have world leading stand-up comedians that use the power of observation to devastating, comedic effect and legendary TV comedies like Fawlty Towers, One Foot In the Grave, Only Fools and Horses, Monty Python and Porridge among others, many people out-with the UK would probably struggle to find these funny at all. English humour most certainly does exist…he’s however correct, in that Nessie probably sadly doesn’t!
Monster Munch — A blog on Nessie for August 2025 — Duncan Hynd
Ps: I now live in Inverness hence this piece!
