The missing page of the dead: chapter one
it was a clear night when Lama Gyaltsen was murdered. It would have happened during the seven stars sutra ritual that this had happened. I could see the seven stars that formed a dipper high the sky. I was hoping that nothing. negative would happened on this day. But this was the day also a year ago when Dawa left me for Tenzin! Also the day when I would try to find peace after wards though this was still heavy on my mind still. I was thinking about the incident that occurred when she revealed to me about the relationship with tenzin. I had a funny feeling that Dawa was going to leave me one day but I just never knew when. It was about our year together, exactly a year of being together when she told me about tenzin, who was also a martial artist who was very violent and quick to temper. I started to thumb my Malas as this went through my mind. I could feel the trauma of the event start to envelope me.
But I had to do the death rites for Lama Gyaltsen which. were more important then the actual situation that I kept my self in each an every morning as I started to do my morning meditations! This was would pop up in my head:
“Why would you choose a martial artist over a gentle kind person like me,” I would say ready to complain to Dawa! I felt this was unfair and a secretive to lie to someone who you have been in a year long relationship with.
“I don’t know. he. seems less stern,” she said as if she was planning her next move. It was obvious that she was being manipulated by this abusive thug. “And we have more in common than what you and I have.”
I grabbed a manuscript about a female lover of a monk in this text. “Because of this erotic stuff you are reading?”
Dawa hangs her head in shame and started to admit this, but by the time I heard her I was walking out the door and into the streets. I did not like what I was feeling emotionally. I started to go to the local monastery to find some peace but I could not find the inner peace that I so needed. So I joined the monastery and met the Abbot Jampa who would be my mentor and close friend. He is an elderly monk who ran the monastery. He had a white whispy beard and was kind of round for someone his age. He had many malas beads around his neck and even on his wrist.
Jampa was a compassionate man who was always teaching me something new about Buddhism. And one of those things was the seven stars sutra! Where you a white ewe is dedicated to the seven stars and we select an animal for an offering after the Buddhist text is recited and then the animal is set free and not harmed. Then prayers are requested for long life, protection from illness and other harmful influences. And this had to be one of my most beloved of all the sutras as this was not harmful to the animal.
But this time we had to preform a sky burial where you cut up the body to let it be ravaged by animals and the elements is it should be so the soul can be freed. This was a gruesome but necessary death rite. This helped the soul to be freed and to help the world at the same time. This was supposed to be a life cycle. I never thought about doing a sky burial right after the tshe-thar. But I think this was a reminder that life was actually fleeting. Hence the name (freeing life).
As I started to chant the mantras when the others were preparing his body for the sky burial I felt not just saddened by this but also angered. I thought I knew the person or person’s did this travesty, I stopped chanting. There was a murder a foot. And I thought I knew who was responsible. I disturbed my friend, abbot Jampa for the final time that day and said, “I believe I know who did this Jampa la!”
He turned around and looked at me as if surprised, “you know who did this in the first place, then why did you not mention this to the magistrate.”
“Jampa la,” I said. “I did not know this would happen.”
“You do what you have to do in order to find peace!” Jampa said quietly patting my hand.
“I will abbot!”
That was when I walked out the door and would not return until I found out who was responsible for this terrible act. I saw the bruises on Gyaltsen’s body who ever did this knew what there were doing. Almost like a martial artist or someone along those lines. They were not an amateur that was for sure!
I started to look as if the suspect would be around somewhere. I thought about any school in the city who would specialize in the combat arts. Something I always found inhumane and dangerous for that matter. I never really paid much attention to this stuff as it was violent. Some say it was a form of concentration but I knew what these people were able to do: beat and butcher others for personal gains. And on the night of the tshe-thar was just awful.
I walked around the small city as I did I found one of the schools near by, I walked in and started to ask questions about Lama Gyaltsen a who might be possibly involved with this crime. I heard the teacher, the voice sounded familiar, too familiar. It was tenzin who leading the class for today. He looked rougher than usual today. “Tenzin,” I said. “You seem to. look like you have been in a fight, can you tell me about this.”
“What’s it to you,” I heard him say. “Stern one!” He walked away laughing as if he did not care about that a human would be dead from all this.
“What are you laughing at,” I said. “You are an over sexed and over confident bastard who took my lover from me!”
“Yes,” he said as if he were confident with the fact that he was untouchable. “What are you going to do about this.”
“If I am not correct you learned this ‘skill’ from the land of chin!” I said. “Why would a ‘peaceful man’ want to learn this shit!” I was loosing my cool with this man. I never had anyone get under my skin so quickly in my life.
“To defend my self,” he said. “And for sport!”
“And to get someone young woman into the trantrika sexual practices as well,” I said while taking deep breaths just trying to even say “om mani padme hum!” especially the hum part which was to dispel aggression and hatred.
“You don’t know what we have done or even practiced stern one,” tenzin said.
“First off I have a name, it is Lobsang, and I have to say,” I said trying to be respectful and compassionate. “A holy man died at someone’s hands I will not give up until I find out who is the killer. And I will be wishing them well. I hope for Buddha’s sake that it isn’t you.”
“Why?” Tenzin said. “I took your lover away from you and you wish me well!”
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“I just hope that karma will find out who did this and rain justice upon them,” I said. I did not want to feel another shred of anger more than I was feeling. “Like I said I hope this is not you?”
Tenzin just looked at me as if I were a piece of meat. I looked at the man, he was covered in scars and his arms were all cut up for some kind of conflict. I wanted to look closer but I was not a healer or even a shaman of some sort. But the red on his arms from the bruising and especially the knuckles were blood and starting to scab over. “Better have that hand looked at….it looked like you killed someone.”
“And you look like you are ready to kill someone, monk!” Tenzin said. “I think you need to meditate more on this.”
I just walked away by this point. I started to feel something other than anger toward the man who made Dawa betray me in this first place. I started to feel compassion for such a violent man who would feel the need to attack an older man and a monk to prove that. As I walked away I started to feel another memory come on to me. It washes over me like rushing water in a the Tsangpo river.
It was a full moon night as it was a great night. The seven stars were high in the sky as Dawa and I finished making love in a moonlit cave. It was the first time we ever made love and this was before the hint of anything being amiss. I saw the outline of her perfect face and body in the moonlight as we talked and even laughed. I never understood. why we should wouldn’t want to be with me who was a gentle person.
“Well,” I said. “What should we do now!”
“Just to look up at the moon!”
“It is not as beautiful as you Dawa!” I begged her.
“I know but I want to see this thing anyway!”
She brushed her lips against mine and we kissed for a brief time before I brought her back to the village just out side of the city of Lhasa! I never smelled anything or anyone so sweet before in my life, not even the wildflowers in spring and summer would compete. I felt like making love to her again. Soon I was returning the kiss with another deeper and longer kiss.
That was when she tells me that she wanted to spend a lifetime or two with me. I could see her. gentle smile as she was lit up. by the full moon. “Isn’t she beautiful?”
“I said not as beautiful as you,” I said my endearing words come out as a shock. That was when things were still perfect between us and I was able to fall in And back in love with her. She had the sweetest smile and she seemed to seduce me with every world that came out of her mouth. I wanted to kiss those seductive lips.
Then I blinked and soon I was back to being a middle aged monk again who did worry about everything when he should be asking life most important questions and studying. I could still pick out her smell out of the air as if I were a keen dog. That was when a tear started to droll from my lashes and rolling down my cheek. That was when I started to feel the pain again, it was not physical pain but a deep emotional pain that only betrayal could inflict.
When I started to feel this pain I started to sob at the thought of being alone. I still wanted to feel that love once more. This was the only thing that would heal me other than time. Or seeing karma take swift action on Tenzin but I could not think one way or the other. I wanted to feel this kind of love again but how could this be even possible.
I had something to do now and that was to find the killer of Lama Gyaltsen! This might be the most important thing. in my life that I ever had to. Lama Gyaltsen was a great monk who was compassionate and caring to everyone. Never broke the five precepts once in his life. He and the abbot were close friends to. I owed it Jampa to find this man and bring him to the attention of the people. Soon I would be dealing with another’s murder in the next morning I could feel the dread creep into my skin.
I did not know when this other murder was but I could tell that it was going to happened to someone who I cared about. I never feel such a pathological dread in my life not even when Dawa left me. This was coming and it was going to be big.
That night I started to fall into an uneasy sleep and started to dream about someone drowning in the river. I saw a woman who looked like a beautiful woman about 20 years of age and she was screaming before she drowned. Her hand was raised as if reaching sky ward. I woke up and started to cry at the thought of this woman getting caught in the current. I left like. I had seen her before. She was very beautiful I know that from the dream.
“I hope this is not going to really happen either,” I said to myself. “This can’t be what will happen to someone.”
I started to do my morning reflections and started to be. consumed by the thought of another woman or anyone else dying. I started to talk deep breaths and I chanted some more but this did not ward off the thought and feeling that someone was still going to suffer. “What will I do about this,” I thought out loud. “This was not a good thing.”
When I was done I started to tell the abbot about the dream. “I think someone is about to die,” I said. “There was this woman who I saw in my dream as. she was going it drown.”
“Is this someone who you know or will now?” Jampa said.
“I feel like she might be the other half of me!”
“You think this was some past rebirth!”
“Yes!”
“Well the idea that nothing is permanent is a big thing in Buddhism. I think the universe is trying to tell you something,” Jampa said. “The dead monk, the year long relationship and now this…. It is saying something to Lobsang.”
I wanted to believe this about the sand mandala but not about love or someone else’s life to be honest with you. I felt like I was in hard place.
I had to do look into my own soul to find out how to stop this from happening. I wanted to prevent this from even happening. The woman looked stunningly beautiful and she seemed like she was a gentle person who did not deserve this. I wanted to find two people: the woman if she even existed and the man responsible for Lama Gyaltsen’s death.
