Learning to Let Go
Moving Beyond the “Love and Light” Illusions of New Age Healing and Finding the Courage to Look at the Evidence
By Matt Valentine-Chase
The last few times I’ve been to see my healer, as I walked away from his clinic, head bowed, heart heavy, tears too close to the surface: I saw a pattern.
I felt unseen.
The pattern was twofold: the unseen nature, a familiar shadow that has followed me since childhood. The other aspect of the pattern: another pattern: is that I kept going back for more.
More invisibility.
The Cost of Unprofessional Quirks
There is a practical issue here, in that the healer is not trained in talking therapy. He has an abundance of natural gifts, some training in energy work, but not a great deal of formal training in traditional therapies. This has never seemed to be a problem until recently, where his inexperience and lack of professional boundaries (he talks about other clients) is more obvious than ever.
I used to just accept that as a quirk, a pay-off for all the good stuff.
But.
There’s another pattern.
“I will accept this unprofessional behaviour because I need this person to help me.”
Let me rephrase:
“I will accept my mum slapping me, my dad beating her in front of me: because I need them to love me.”
Big lesson here, yes? Stay with me. I hope my experience also helps you.
The Supermarket Epiphany
The last time I went to see him for a healing appointment, I had problems getting into the building. I knocked on the door, shouted up to the window, and as I stood there in the street, I felt exposed. The men in the bar opposite were ALL staring at me. The healer works from a hairdressers, which was closed that day, so at first I assumed he was in the room upstairs, where he usually works from, and that he had been given the keys to stay after hours.
Then, as no-one came to the door, I assumed I had gotten the wrong day. I was disappointed but not that much — shit happens. I popped him a text: “I must have got the wrong day no worries I’ll go do some shopping.”
A good five minutes (maybe longer) later, as I am meandering around Aldi choosing healthy fresh food to cheer myself up, he text: “No, I’m here, ready for you.”
Then I panicked.
“Shit, I have let him down, oh no I need to hurry.” But then I took a breath. I literally stood dead still in the supermarket, and took a moment to relax into myself.
I then realised that the rushing panic was the old people-pleasing pattern. So I took a breath, reminded myself that he tends to book clients back-to-back (another issue many clients don’t like; it is weird sometimes bumping into people you know when waiting for therapy, plus it always feels like he’s in a rush) and he was probably actually with a client, and didn’t hear me.
I was on time.
Can you see how my invisibility was pushed in my face?
Please do not misunderstand, I believe that life is a mirror and I felt in my gut that this slightly uncomfortable experience was actually much bigger than it appeared. It helped me to grow.
Empowerment vs. Dependency
Let me give you a quick history lesson in the healer I see (one of a few) and something I heard recently about healers. First, the thing I heard — I found it harsh and abrupt, but it did make me listen:
“I despise healers, all they do is create dependency. It’s about fixing, not empowering.” — Steve Judd
Well, I am also a healer. I have certainly “fixed” a lot of people and some of those people still come back for sessions. So I didn’t like what I was hearing. At all.
But is he right?
Now the history lesson. This healer I see, I’ll call him Rod, used to exclusively do “bodywork” as I call it — acupressure, massage, smudging (using sage to clean energy), and other woo-woo but very effective stuff. After an hour session, I used to leave that clinic feeling taller (physically), stronger (physically and emotionally), and generally more together.
Over the last few years, Rod has slowly morphed from the body stuff to more talking. Sometimes, only ten minutes are spent doing physical work and the rest is, well, him talking.
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Other folks I know who go to see him will say things like:
- “Does he talk about himself all the time?”
- “I’m not there to listen to his life.”
- “Why does he think talking about his partner is relevant?”
I also feel similar. Some of the stories he tells are useful by comparison, but he does “the thing” that many practitioners do, that seemed to be allowed, expected, and useful once upon a time: He reframes everything.
Everything. There is little to no room for being.
This, in itself, I don’t find that odd. Healers, mystics, new-age types — they are all about the love and light and at times story telling can be healing. I get it and there is nothing unexpected there.
What is surprising to me is that I have allowed this type of help to be a central part of my life for decades. Even if it was once helpful — are we in different times now? A different era? So, do we perhaps need to be doing things differently?
When the Reframe Meets Reality
Now, here’s the thing: Evidence.
He might be saying the same things, using the same reframes: such as, “Well, you might meet someone soon” (to address aloneness), “You might meet someone with money” (to address aloneness and poverty), “Well, you could get that job, take that trip, build that business, be successful at that business, find the perfect home…” and so on.
As a simple example, five years ago I started doing erotic online content. I went for it. I made hundreds and hundreds of audio files (my thing, I am really, really good at it) and uploaded them, with swanky promos, logos, and very high-end branding. I uploaded them to several sites including my own website.
After two years — that’s two years — I had made exactly three hundred dollars. In two years.
I told him this, noting that I hadn’t made much money from it, and he immediately interjected with his classic reframe: “Yet.”
Now, first let me tell you, I know how good I am. I know how good I am at both writing (my main gig) and audio (my close second) — I am both naturally skilled and have done a little training, too. So this isn’t, from a new-age or indeed psychological point of view, me being negative. I am simply saying, “This hasn’t paid the bills.”
So, my erotic content is still there, the sites are still there, my marketing is still excellent, and five years after I launched, I have made around one thousand dollars. That’s in five years. Not each year. I’d actually be kinda okay with a grand a year; it would cover the overheads.
So… the evidence (low return) outweighs the reframe (“yet”).
At what point, dear friend, do we stop and smell the manure?
Doing the Math
I have recently gotten very into business models. No, I can’t believe it either. I realised that the new-age woo-woo “believe it and it will happen” shite… is… indeed: shite. So I thought, “Okay, that didn’t work, so let’s go more methodical.”
In one of the many YouTube videos on business I was watching, a guy described a “low-return opportunity.” He went on to describe how many entrepreneurs spend too much time on a project because it is a vanity idea, a heart project, something they are good at, sounds promising, or is exciting to do.
He said:
“Just because you enjoy something, because a project looks good on paper — do the math. If you are spending more hours on it than you are being paid for…why are you continuing to do it?”
I felt really stupid. It was so obvious what he was saying, but I had allowed myself to become deluded by healers’ “fixes” and new-age approaches to practical life.
Here’s the other thing: I believe that if something is right for you, it will just work. Immediately.
The twist? Just because something is right for them (my healer lives in a half-a-million-pound house in the middle of nowhere) doesn’t mean that thing, or that approach which got them that thing, is going to work for everyone.
So… why am I writing this?
To get it out of my system, to say “hey, me too” if you just had the same realisation, and to let you know that you’re not “doing” anything wrong.
You’re just listening to the wrong people.
In Love,
Me xx
© 2026 Matt Valentine-Chase. Written by a human.
Inspiration from: Steve Judd Astrology
Photo by Sami Aksu: https://www.pexels.com/photo/a-man-wearing-cap-leaning-on-a-guard-rail-while-looking-afar-14083303/
