Don’t kill yourself before trying this..

This is the stupidest, most dangerous thing I’ve ever done..

It was also the most liberating..

I’ve always struggled a bit with life..

I had years of addiction, depression, anxiety, etc..

I don’t want to go deep into it now, but I’ve tied a noose and stuck my head in it a couple of times.. I just never had the guts to kick the chair away..

My struggle went on for many years.. and by the summer of 2023, I was in a really bad place.. borderline suicidal.. drinking like an alcoholic, and no idea what to do..

It felt like the end of the road, to be honest.

I spent my days drunk, high, and searching the internet for a solution..

I’d already done three rehabs.. countless AA meetings.. multiple therapists, ice baths.. running, boxing, breathwork etc etc etc..

So there wasn’t much I hadn’t tried, and I needed something new..

I read some bits on Psilocybin and decided to give it a try..

To be honest, I felt very little at first but decided to stick with it, and up the dose…

At that time, the walls were really closing in. My relationship had broken down.. My work was slipping, and I couldn’t stop thinking that, maybe It’d be better if I wasn’t here..

Things seemed to keep getting worse..

Until I made a decision to do something about it..

I don’t know where the idea came from.

I decided I was going to shake my spiritual Kaleidoscope and see if I could change my reality..

I was desperate..

The plan formed during the week and Saturday was the day..

I got up on Saturday to a beautiful day.. 25 degrees.. no wind .. scorching sun..

After breakfast, I swallowed 2.5 grams of Psilocybin and got my motorbike out..

I ride a 2011 Honda Fireblade.. Over the years I’d noticed, riding a motorbike is really good for my mental health.. It forced me to be present in the moment.. and the faster I rode, the more present I became.

I think you can see where this is going..

I put my leather on as the bike heated up on the patio.. I remember feeling the vibration from the engine through my feet and the feeling of nervous excitement as I got ready..

It felt like a space launch.. I was shaking with adrenaline by the time I sat on the bike and clipped my helmet shut..

I pulled away from home and started heading for the fastest stretch of road I know (The Geddington Bypass, Northamptonshire)

When you ride a motorbike, you learn really quickly that you’re better at riding some days than the other.. Some days, you feel really quick, and your constant braking distance calculations and apex’s all go perfectly.. But, on the other hand, you also have days when everything goes wrong.. and you’re just a bit off with every calculation..

Thankfully, this day was a good one..

By the time I was about halfway to my destination, I started to feel the first signs of an intoxicant in my system.. It was very subtle at first, but it was building rapidly..

For a minute I started to panic a bit..

After a short freak out, I had a little word with myself, and that word flipped a scary experience to an enjoyable one..

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I can’t remember the conversation exactly, but it went a bit like this..

“You’re a depressed Alcoholic who can’t stand the general public or yourself.. If you die today it’s not really that bigger deal..”

As I got closer and closer to the bypass, I got quicker and quicker.. I was overtaking stuff like it was standing still.. and all my braking and apex calculations were coming out perfect.. So I went a little faster.. and a bit faster again..

I seemed to have entered a kind of flow state.. Where I was operating at a much higher level than normal, it felt like I was seeing stuff before it happened..

In the last mile before the bypass, my adrenaline seemed to keep going up.. I was riding faster than I’d ever rode before.. and what I was hoping would happen seemed to be happening..

I’m not religious, but just before I pulled on to the bypass, I had a short word with whatever is up there.. I just asked it to give me the experience I needed..

I pulled off the roundabout onto the bypass in second gear and held the throttle wide open.. At that exact time the mushrooms kicked into full power,,

2nd gear 13500 rpm into third, a slight lean back, and the front comes up at about 100 mph.. Normally, this would scare the shit out of me, but not this time.. I seemed to have perfect throttle control, I held the front up until about 130mph, down and into 4th.. At this point, I rounded the last bend and entered the massive straight..

Looking up the road, I could see no traffic at all, just heat shimmer as the Sun baked the tarmac.

I didn’t feel any nerves at this point, just pure adrenaline..

It felt like art.. I felt like I was expressing myself in the purest way possible..

I changed from 4th to 5th at around 155mph.. Still wide open

And into 6th at around 170mph..

170, 175, 180, 182..183…185.. 186…

At this point, something happened to me. I can not explain..

It felt like being touched by God..

Tears started to run down my face, and a feeling of total peace washed over me..

Everything slowed down.. And I was operating instinctively.. I was making all decisions sub consciously, giving my consciousness time and space to feel exactly what was happening..

It felt like I’d ridden off the edge of the universe.. It felt like something bibical was happening..

My chin was resting on the fuel tank.. tears streaming down my face.. It felt like God was pushing me up that road.. I actually let out a “Thankyou”

I leg go..

Not literally.. I kept hold of the bike, but I stopped giving it inputs.. I left it all to my subconscious, and I trusted it.. Or maybe I just didn’t care what happened..

And from then on I was a passenger..

I went up and down the bypass 4 times.. Each time absolutely flat out with tears running down my face.. I can’t do the sensation justice by writing about it.. but it felt like being soaked in love.. It felt like I was riding through clouds of love.. It felt like I had just seen the other side, and it’s wonderful, and there’s nothing to fear ever again.. It was the most profound moment of my life to date.

I don’t know what happened that day, but I was never quite the same again.. I think a combination of Psilocybin, extremely high adrenaline, years of depression and maybe something other worldly all came together at exactly the right time in a kind of cosmic reaction..

I have had zero fear of death since.. My Depression is down 90%. I still hate the general public, but I’m much nicer to myself.. and best of all, I now have some sort of faith.. I’m still not religious.. but I have a word with something upstairs most days..

I believe my experience was unique to me.. I don’t believe I’ve found a universal cure to all depression.. But .. maybe I’ve stumbled across something we don’t yet understand..

Maybe finally letting go of control and trusting a power greater than myself in such an extreme environment did something that years of therapy couldn’t..

I don’t understand it, but I am grateful for it every day..

I might repeat the process in the spring and see what else is on offer.

Thank you for reading..

All the best.

Jim Reed.