UNDER THE SURFACE

What You See Isn’t Always What Someone Is Experiencing.

A three-part exploration of emotional reactions, misunderstood behavior, trauma, relationships, and the responsibility we have for the way we treat others.

“In the domain of the mind, what you see is often just the tip of the iceberg. The real work of healing and transformation takes place in the deep, quiet waters below.” — Jon Kabat-Zinn

Part One: When Your Body Reacts Before You Do

There are some days when I don’t even understand why I react the way I do.

There have been days when I don’t even know what I’m feeling.

I’m just going about my day. Living my life. Talking to someone. Nothing was bothering me at that time.

Something happens.

Someone says something.

I take it the wrong way.

Or it may have reminded me of something.

And then it all takes over.

I become angry.

My mind starts to race.

I want to explain to you why I feel this way.

And sometimes I react before I even know why I’m feeling a certain way.

What you see is anger.

But you don’t know what’s going on underneath that anger.

Some days I’m not angry at you. I’m battling something within myself.

I believe that is one of the hardest things I’ve had to explain to someone.

You May Not Know Who I Am Some Days

I have lived most of my adult life around others who needed me to stay calm.

Military.

Law enforcement.

People needed me to think for them. Stay calm and know what I was doing.

There are many situations where I can remain calm.

But why is it that I can handle those situations and not a simple conversation with someone?

I’ve wondered this myself.

Why am I reacting to something that others don’t think is a big deal?

Why do I react to certain things more than I used to?

Why am I defensive when someone is just trying to understand me?

Why can’t I let things go?

Why does something seem so big to me?

Why do I act that way?

Some days I don’t know.

There have been times when I just wanted someone to understand what I was feeling.

I tried to explain.

I kept explaining until I became angry because they didn’t understand.

Which led to them not understanding me any better.

I wanted them to hear my pain, but they only heard me getting angry.

It’s something I’ve learned to recognize.

I know that I can hurt someone when I’m trying to explain myself.

Even if I’m not trying to hurt that person.

I need to accept that I may be hurting someone while I’m struggling.

What If We Don’t Know What Others Are Going Through?

I’ve started trying to understand why I may be having these reactions.

I also try to understand why others may be having these reactions as well.

I know we all tend to label people.

If they raise their voice, they must be angry.

If they become silent, they must be ignoring me.

If they get defensive, they must be hiding something.

If they get upset over a small issue, they must be overreacting.

How many times have we stopped to see what’s going on in that person’s life?

After researching what trauma can do to someone, I found some information that may help explain certain reactions.

According to the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs and its National Center for PTSD, people who have experienced trauma can experience a variety of emotional and physical reactions.

Some of these include irritability, angry outbursts, feeling jumpy or constantly on guard, difficulty concentrating, and becoming easily upset.

They may also experience physical symptoms such as a racing heart, rapid breathing, or feeling shaky.

The VA explains that traumatic experiences can leave people feeling highly alert to possible threats, even when the immediate danger has passed.

Sometimes these reactions can feel automatic, happening before we’ve fully understood what we’re feeling.

Our bodies have natural defenses that help us respond to situations we perceive as threatening. When our stress response is activated, our heart rate and breathing may increase, our muscles may tense, and our attention can become focused on what we believe is a threat.

For some people who have experienced trauma, certain situations or reminders can trigger strong stress reactions.

Now, I want to make one thing clear.

Just because someone is having a strong reaction doesn’t mean they have PTSD or have experienced trauma.

There are many things that can influence how someone reacts to a situation. Whether it be stress, lack of sleep, previous experiences, or difficulties in a relationship.

I don’t want to start diagnosing people on TRIALS because they may respond differently than someone else.

I just want us to start asking ourselves more questions.

Why is that person acting angry?

What may that person actually be feeling?

We can do the same thing when we’re the ones reacting to something.

Are we reacting more strongly than the situation calls for?

Are we interpreting the situation differently than it actually happened?

I’ve learned that some things I feel aren’t always an accurate reflection of what occurred.

It’s hard to accept that, but it’s something I’ve had to learn.

How Can I Help Myself Understand?

I believe this is where things can get difficult.

I know there are people out there who have dealt with others who experience these types of reactions.

You may have been yelled at. Felt like you had to be careful with what you said. Or you may have tried to help someone who kept pushing you away.

I know you may have tried to understand that person and eventually became tired of it.

I’m not saying your feelings aren’t valid.

I don’t think anyone should be subjected to hurtful behavior simply because someone else has been through something difficult.

You don’t have to allow that to happen to you.

Just because someone has been hurt doesn’t mean they have the right to hurt you.

I’ve learned that there are moments when I want others to understand why I’m having a reaction.

But there are also moments when I have to accept that others may not understand why I’m reacting that way.

Just because I’ve been through something doesn’t mean I should take that out on others.

I need to understand that other people have feelings too.

Yes, they may not understand why I’m having a reaction, but that doesn’t give me the right to treat them poorly.

I need to learn how to respond to my emotions in a healthier way.

I can tell someone I’m having a reaction and need time.

Get Jurrone Petry’s stories in your inbox

Join Medium for free to get updates from this writer.

Remember me for faster sign in

I can explain that I’m overwhelmed and may need to step away.

But I also need to respect the other person’s boundaries.

Learn to listen.

And when I’m wrong, admit it.

I don’t think we have to choose one over the other.

You can have compassion for yourself and learn to better manage your emotions.

You can be struggling and still be held accountable for your actions.

Just because you’ve been hurt doesn’t mean you can hurt others.

I think that’s something I’m still learning.

What Does God Say About This?

I know that as Christians, we look to God and His Word when we have questions about our lives.

There’s a passage I’ve been studying that I believe can help us.

James 1:19 tells us to be “quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger” (ESV).

I wish I could say I’m always quick to listen and slow to anger.

I’m not.

I catch myself thinking about what I want to say next instead of listening.

Getting defensive and not allowing the other person to finish.

Or allowing my emotions to take over how I speak to someone.

I think one thing we should take away from this passage is that we need to examine how we respond to others.

I don’t believe that being a Christian means we shouldn’t experience difficult emotions.

I also don’t believe that someone who’s struggling simply needs to pray harder.

I think we should examine how we’re treating other people while we’re experiencing those emotions.

It’s okay to feel angry.

But what we do with that anger is something we need to learn to manage.

I can’t always control how I feel, but I can learn how to respond to those feelings.

I may not always know how to respond.

But I know I can try to learn.

And know when to ask for help.

Learn to Identify Your Reaction

The VA also provides advice on how people can learn to manage some of these reactions.

Learn to identify when you’re becoming overwhelmed.

Step away from a situation before it becomes an argument.

Practice ways to calm yourself down.

Speak to a counselor.

Learn to recognize thoughts that may be making the situation worse.

And return to the conversation when you feel ready to discuss it.

These things may not fix everything, but they’re things we can work on.

Stepping away won’t solve all your problems.

Breathing exercises won’t erase what you’ve been through.

And learning your triggers won’t always prevent you from reacting to them.

But maybe eliminating every difficult feeling isn’t what we should be trying to accomplish.

Maybe we need to learn how to identify what we’re feeling and take action before it negatively affects ourselves and others.

I want to learn how to identify when I’m becoming overwhelmed.

Tell someone I need some time without feeling like I’m doing something wrong by stepping away.

Learn to recognize when I’m taking something someone said and making it much bigger in my head.

And not feel the need to immediately defend myself when someone brings up something that may be bothering them.

I know that will take work on my part.

There will be days when I recognize what I’m doing and choose not to react the way I normally would.

There will also be days when I may not recognize it until afterward.

But I hope I can learn from those days too.

Can We Understand Each Other?

I think we all have things we’re dealing with that nobody else knows about.

Whether it’s a veteran who can’t seem to relax. A mother who’s always stressed out. Someone who shuts down during an argument. Someone who has a hard time dealing with rejection.

Or someone who’s been strong their whole life and can’t understand why they’re struggling now.

We don’t know everything other people have been through.

But those of us who may be struggling with our reactions need to remember something.

Others don’t know what’s going on inside of us.

We need to learn how to communicate what we’re experiencing instead of expecting others to automatically understand.

I also think we need to remember that the people around us may be going through something as well.

I’m not saying I know how to control every emotion I experience.

I’m saying I’m learning.

I know that some of my reactions haven’t been the best representation of who I want to be.

I don’t want to spend the rest of my life telling others why I am the way I am.

I want to learn how to experience these emotions without allowing them to control me.

I want others to understand that there’s more to someone than what they see.

But I also want to learn how to stop putting the responsibility for my emotions on other people.

I think that’s something we all need to learn.

Not ignoring what we’re feeling, but learning how to deal with it.

Not blaming others for what we’re going through.

But understanding what we’re feeling, why we may be feeling that way, and what we can do about it.

Here’s a few questions I want you to ask yourself.

Have you ever had a reaction to something that wasn’t fair to the other person?

Have you ever been labeled angry when you were actually feeling something else?

Or have you been the person on the receiving end of those reactions?

How did you overcome that?

What made it worse?

Let me know what you think below.

I want to hear both sides.

Remember, there’s more to someone than what you see.

There’s always a person underneath it.

TRIALS

Under the Surface | Part One

Trials Will Always Teach Us Something.

What Have You Learned Today?

Jurrone

Research and References

U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs, National Center for PTSD. Common Reactions After Trauma. Explains common emotional and physical responses following traumatic experiences.

U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs, National Center for PTSD. Anger and Trauma. Explores how traumatic experiences can influence anger, stress responses, and emotional reactions.

U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs, National Center for PTSD. Coping With Traumatic Stress Reactions. Offers practical approaches to managing emotional reactions and finding support.

The Holy Bible, English Standard Version. James 1:19–20. Read the passage.