i’ve thought about this before, that maybe one day, when i’ve done everything expected of me, i’ll finally leave this place behind, along with everyone i’ve ever known. i wonder if there’ll be anything left that makes me want to stay. whats there stays there, no?
it could be me slowly distancing myself from everyone, or finally finding the courage to end it all. or maybe i’ll fake my own death and disappear somewhere no one knows me, start over with a new name, identity, a life that has nothing to do with the one i left behind. letting myself become someone they’ve never met.
i’ll become a stranger to them long before i actually leave and actually the thought of starting over somewhere no one knows my name sounds almost comforting.
they will eventually forget me, and in time, i will unlearn the habit of having them around. we will never cross paths again, or perhaps we will, but if that day ever comes, i’ll make sure we remain strangers. even if we recognize each other, even if some part of us remembers, i’ll make sure it never goes any further than that.
the only thing that might happen is that i’ll run into their acquaintances, or worse, their friends. we’ll talk about them, about how good things used to be when we were still friends, reminiscing about the old days as if they’re nothing more than stories now. as if we didn’t once mean something to each other. as if all that closeness could be reduced to a few fond memories shared between people who no longer speak.
i, myself, don’t even know why i have this kind of thought. maybe it’d be better if i just left them all alone and let them have their own comfortable little space without me constantly poking around, asking if we should go here or there, trying to find a place for myself in plans that might’ve been better off without me. maybe i’m just tired of wondering whether i’m actually wanted there or if they’ve only been making room for me out of courtesy. maybe i’ve been forcing my way into places where i was never really needed in the first place.
or maybe some part of me thinks they’ll remember me better if i simply remove myself from their lives. i don’t particularly like that thought, though. it feels almost too narcissistic, as if my absence would mean enough to leave a mark on them. i’d like to think i’m not that narcissistic. not yet, at least thats what i thought.
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“you can’t cut everyone off. who’s going to show up for your big day if you do?”
the thing is, i can’t imagine any big day in my life that looks like marriage, birthdays, having a child, or any of that. if anything, the only occasion i can picture everyone gathering for is something more like a funeral. and who in their sanest mind would willingly want to attend one?
that’s exactly why i’d rather keep them away from it. away from my bad and good days, my ups and downs, all the things i can barely make sense of myself. until there’s nothing left for them to witness.
not everyone wants to stick around someone who’s sad all the time, someone who keeps thinking so little of themselves no matter how many times they’re told otherwise. and i don’t want to keep making that their problem. i don’t want them to feel like they have to stay just because they know me, or because leaving would make them feel guilty.
maybe it’s better if i spare them the trouble and let them live their lives without having to worry about mine. i will leave before they have to figure out how to leave me themselves.
so please, let me leave this city behind, along with everyone in it and every memory i’ve ever made here. i don’t want to leave anything unfinished, nor do i want to leave a reason for anyone to come looking for me.
and if i ever miss them, i’ll visit the places we used to go, without letting anyone know i’m there. i’ll let myself remember the days when we all still had each other, when being part of their lives felt like something i could count on. i’ll sit with those memories until i’ve had enough, then leave them where they belong. i won’t reach out, i won’t ask to be remembered, and i won’t try to find my way back into their lives. some things are better left where they ended, and that day is where i’ll have to leave all of us, too.
just for a little while, i’ll let myself revisit those good old days before returning to being a stranger again.
