Kyle.
NOTE: I wrote this in 2024. I’m posting it here for safekeeping as its original home is silently deleting long-form writing.
—
I can’t believe it’s already been six years as of today. (2024)
October 24, 2018.
That’s the day I left the hospital after being there for over a month after having to learn how to walk again and having had extensive treatments because of temporary paralysis cause by damage to my spine due to Guillain-Barre syndrome…
…and the reason I left was because I couldn’t stand being there anymore after getting word that my cousin David Kyle Barnette had unexpectedly passed away the day before on October 23rd.
He and his twin brother Kelly were essentially my brothers growing up and I’d had the privilege of seeing Kelly and Kyle in person just a few months earlier at the funeral of my aunt Diane.
I will always be happy that I got to see him one last time. The circumstances of not having been around my family for years made it hard to see them and I’m glad I made the trip for the most part…
I told him right before I left to contact me if he ever needed me, and that even if I wasn’t with him physically that I was *always* with him.
— -
I miss him as terribly now as I ever have…and I have continued on the traditions of being the family’s resident Grateful Dead mega-fan and weirdo beardo.
I love you, dude…and I miss our conversations more than I can express.
A lot of people don’t realize I visited Decatur traveling to one of the many towns I did live TV production in and hung out with only Kyle once. We ate dinner. We were stupid and nostalgic and laughed a lot and complained about the members of our family worth complaining over.
We talked about addiction and about life and a lot of it was pretty serious, which if you know me…isn’t typical.
But he was important enough that I took the mask off.
He was one of the people I could truly be myself around.
He was always so thoughtful with what he said, at least around me. He actually considered things. It’s a rare trait, especially these days.
He’d call me when he was having a rough time and leave rambling messages.
I wish I still had those voicemails.
You lose so many things in the digital age and don’t even realize it until you go looking for them.
— -
I always think it’s funny that Kyle’s last comment to me on Facebook was when I first went in the hospital…
“you crazy fuck.”
lol.
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Guilty as charged.
There are a lot of other moments, and long talks, but…those are mine.
I don’t have pictures, so this is what I have.
Memories.
Emotions I can’t contain…even now.
I wanted so badly to travel to Alabama for his memorial service and will always regret not being able to. My doctors thought it would be a highly dangerous risk for me to go there and I lost my mind with grief for more than a few days because of it.
Not being medically cleared to travel was out of my hands but it still felt like I failed him.
It wasn’t my fault is something I’ve been told by multiple people.
None of that changes anything.
I have regrets.
I have happy moments and I have a lot of other things from our relationship.
But I don’t have him.
I’ll come back to this after I stop crying.
—
It’s a few hours later.
I am having a hard time with words today despite the length of this thing I’m writing.
Short story long, and all that.
In the years that have followed Kyle passing away, his twin Kelly and I have become far closer than we ever were before Kyle’s left.
We try our best to stay in touch.
Kelly has told me numerous times I am a brother to him and I was to Kyle, as well.
That did my broken heart some good.
Enough.
I miss you terribly and always will. That’s the long and short of it.
So today and every time here on when I listen to it…David Kyle Barnette, I’m playing Brokedown Palace today in your honor.
“Fare you well,
Fare you well,
I love you more than words can tell,
Listen to the river sing sweet songs to rock my soul…”
