A LIFE I DIDN’T ASK FOR
HELPLESS MOTIVATION
Maybe I will talk a little bit about God and me this time. I wrote in the previous pages that life hasn’t been kind to me lately, and honestly, I am still stuck in there though it’s been months. I think I am going to talk about that.
I arrived in France in September 2023. I was supposed to major in civil engineering in my third year, in a city called Lorient. It is in the west region of France. But something else happened. “My first good fate”. I arrived a week after the official start of the school year, and they wouldn’t let me major in that field anymore. So, I had to change my major in mechanics. Mind you, it was something I didn’t know anything about. Happily, I managed to pull it off, but it wasn’t a lovely experience at all. Especially when it comes to your very first year abroad.
The first year is always the most difficult when you move abroad. Most people experience it: cultural choc, “dépaysement” in French, new rhythm of life, weather and seasons (which I never believed to influence us, but it does). Mind-blowing! So, we must adapt to all those things. Citing it like this makes it seem simple. And it’s always the same thing happening to newbies. But to be honest, knowing about something and living that thing are two completely different things. And so, it was already hard enough for me to cope with those common things but, Heaven had to add a “lovely turn of events” to my own life at that very moment. Lucky me!
After that year was over, I thought that I would finally be back in my field and retrieve the normal course of my life. Little did I know that Heaven wanted something for me. “My second good fate”. I wasn’t accepted in my field in that same school anymore. I had to look for another school which had to be in another city then. And that’s exactly what happened. I moved from Lorient in the west region, to Lille, Villeneuve-d’ascq more precisely, in the northern region. I’ve been here for two years now.
Funny enough, I really thought that that was it, that from that point on, everything goes back to the normal flow of life. What is that normal flow of life anyway? Well, easy. Life was supposed to go this way (like any others): you arrive in Lorient, you major in the field you wanted to in the first place, you pass class and now you have 2 years of school left, you look for an internship (mandatory and everybody always finds one — or you go for an apprenticeship), and you make sure that your boss likes you and wants to keep you so that after your studies you already have a job waiting for you. And that’s it! You are settled.
“My very third good fate” was the fact that I didn’t find any internship to be through with my studies. To pass the time, I decided to work full time as an employee at Lidl. I have a student contract there, so I do extra shift when they need me.
I can’t tell you enough about how all of that is tiring. I try not to think of all of it, but sometimes my mind just wanders through those past three years, and I can’t help but feel desolate about myself. Ever since I arrived in this country, nothing seems to go my way. And that’s a really good motivation sucker. But it doesn’t stop there. It still went on with a “last good fate”. If I paid 250 euros for my school fee for that past 3 years, this time I had to fork over 3 950 euros. For just 1 freaking year, only meant for an internship of 4 to 6 months. An internship that I am probably not going to find. Isn’t that great? Why did I do it? Because this is going to be my last year of school. There won’t be any more, so I thought why not, I don’t want to have regrets for not using my last card.
But I must be honest, I am not looking for any internship so far. I don’t want to care about it, and I really want to change the course of my life. Meaning, I want to give up on this major. But I feel like I can’t do that entirely. That’s why I made up my mind to look for an internship only in this region, and only in the fields that interest me (which makes it even more difficult), and I also decided not to spend a lot of effort on my research, as I did in the past. Whatever happens, so be it. I lost all motivation. I don’t even feel like I want to stay in France.
But those things are just the milestones that went wrong. There are other things, other aspects of my life that make this journey even more “delightful”. You see how sarcastic I am, bitterness has become the blood that flows in me.
SOCIAL LIFE
I have no friends. Period. I am literally alone.
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I socialize, I really get along with people around me, but we’re not friends. They are coworkers, classmates, customers but not my friends.
When I was in Lorient, I did have friends. But we had different vibes, plus, I am an introvert. I wasn’t always up for plans together. And it made me feel weird because I always said no — many times. At some point I felt a little judged, or maybe I thought I was judged. But the point is, I didn’t entirely feel comfortable around them. And it’s a shame. So, I would always put myself out of the equation and hang around alone.
Then I moved here and as I said, I get along with everybody, but we just don’t hit in a way that the relationship can go further. We don’t have the same vibe. And it is okay. Because I’d rather not being friends with anyone than being “friends” with people I am not even comfortable being around with. I happened to have that mentality. I don’t know whether it’s right or wrong, but I just really don’t have the energy to hang around the wrong people. And don’t get me wrong, I am not saying “wrong people” equals bad people. People can be so good but still be bad for you. And that’s exactly the experience I had in Lorient. Trust me, those people I met there are genuinely nice, they are fun and funny, and they have a good heart. But sadly, I couldn’t feel right around them. And they did nothing wrong to me.
But it’s just sad to see that I can’t connect with anyone. That among all those people that I meet, among all those people I interact with, none, not even one, vibes with my vibe. And that’s where I start thinking if there’s something wrong with me.
I call that “another good fate” of mine.
GOD IN IT
My narrative seems a little resentful because I am. As a believer and a follower of Christ, a friend to Jesus, you may expect me to say things in a way that “glorifies” the Lord. Honestly, I still don’t really know what “glorifying the Lord” really means because people go through things and they feel things given the situation. We are human and having God in our life won’t ever cancel this fleshly being with human emotions.
All those things happening to me make me feel lost, rejected, outcast, forgotten. I listen to a lot of sermons, and they never fail to say that feeling that way doesn’t make it true. That God knows what you are going through, God sees you, God cares about you, God loves you. And I don’t feel any of these now.
I talk a lot to Jesus, He is kind, He is nice, He is my only friend, and I am thankful for it, but I also resent Him for it because I am literally alone. He talks to me, He says many things to me about me, about us, about my life. He encourages me but sometimes I reject it because I wished He was flesh and blood in front of me and that He would give me a hug and rub my hair or whatever form of physical affection someone who cares about you can give to you.
Jesus told me about my mindset, my traumas, my coping mechanism, my belief system, the bad ones that need to change. He explained to me how those situations helped/ are helping me become the person He made me to be in the first place. Many times, I see it. Many times, I am grateful for it. Many times, I realize what He does is great. Many times, I feel no regrets despite the pain I have been through. But many times, and probably most of the time, I feel resentment. My fleshly agony wins, I fail to see the spiritual benefit that I get from of all it — this gratification that really states: “it was worth the pain”. But how can you only care about the spiritual when you feel the pain deep in your heart and soul? This is where I am at right now.
I really don’t understand some of the reasons why my life had to go that way. I don’t understand why I must be that alone, why this country, why this field, why now, why all those rejections. I don’t understand why this way. And with all the things going on right now, I feel very hopeless. I have become more pessimistic than I ever was before I met Him. I don’t understand why He allows this. I resent Him because He is sovereign and this is how things are meant to go, this is good, and I have become bitter.
Yet, God is good. I don’t mean it sarcastically. It is a fact. He is good and I don’t understand His goodness. When I face situations of this kind, it makes me feel like I want to give up on Him. During the first years of companioning with Him, I used to stop talking to Him when I went through struggles. It’s like I wanted to find the way out by myself, but it never worked. And it was also my way of being, you know. I was the kind of person who holds everything in. That changed throughout the years. I became more and more open to Him, more and more dependent on Him. But what do you do when the only person you have is the one who hurts you? So, I am feeling like putting myself away from Him, but I am also at a stage of my life where I really feel like I can’t live without Him. What do you do — how are you supposed to feel, when the very thing you need is the very thing that disappoints you?
I love God, I love Jesus, and I feel it, that I need Him. I won’t ever regret receiving Him in my life. But boy, right now, it is confusingly painful.
