Dark Night of the Soul
By Michael Erlewine
It took a day or so of reflection to put my dark night of the ‘soul’ experience, so to speak, into words.
As for what was it like, that dark or stark glimpse of insight was that the last 40 years or so of my life of dharma practice was kind of a wrestling match with me trying to make dharma progress and also trying to get a witness (hopefully myself) to any dharma progress and nothing more than that mostly those years were a waste of time.
It was clear that night that Samsara had never changed an inch from my efforts to escape it and that I was a promoter of Samsara as much as a victim, something I found out from my major stroke. I live in Samsara. I too need its body sheath of entertainment and attachments like all the rest of us seem to. It is beyond an addiction as we have never been without it.
In my glimpse, those decades of work and dharma practice had not even scratched the surface of my attachment-oriented and vain Self, and all that effort amounted to nothing of actual value, but mainly was an extended waste of time, an attempt to verify to my own confidence any accomplishment that was attained. I acknowledge that night was also one way to look at things.
Without any external help, how do we confer upon ourselves what only can be conferred on us by fate or an authentic dharma teacher and our hard work. In truth, only we can do this for ourselves. I am referring to the lack of confidence and our attempt to gain confidence. In truth, dharma is a process of us pulling ourselves up by our own bootstraps, a kind of logical impossibility but made possible by nondual non-meditation.
There was nothing false about what I saw that night; it was just kind cold comfort or I was somehow skewed in the moment by Samsara’s grasp on me. We all are victims of Samsara by our own choice and making.
It’s just not my view of all this, but it was permitted that night and is a legitimate view, nonetheless. At least it was a hearty criticism, one that I considered but pulled out of for the sake of another view, one that I have.
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We all know that in the end, every life fails as death sends us toward rebirth or enlightenment. However, my view is to learn to fail successfully, doing what we can to overcome Samsara’s obscurations in favor of liberation.
I consider my one-night’s dark night of the soul as a good tonic for my perhaps too liberal interpretation. After all, I have been eating away at the dirge of Samsara for many years with the tools of Mahamudra and Dzogchen.
Writing this blog is like a protester of their own country, writing from within their own country. I very much am Samsara’s child too.
Samsara and I are not friends; perhaps we should be. I never thought of that. Instead of struggling with Samsara, just let go of it.
What I am doing is transform Samsara a bit at a time.
[Midjourney graphic prompted by me.]
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As Bodhicitta is so precious,
May those without it now create it,
May those who have it not destroy it,
And may it ever grow and flourish.
