You Might Be Invited to a Kentucky Derby Party
Receiving an invitation to your first Kentucky Derby party will often bring up waves of anxiety and a lot of questions. What should I wear? Do I need to bring anything? What if I don’t know any of the horses? Why am I going to a party that lasts an entire day for a race that only lasts two minutes? Don’t focus on any of that. Here’s what’s important.
First thing, when you walk through the door, look at the glasses. That’s the barometer for the whole party. If the glasses are wrong you can save a lot of time on awkward pleasantries with strangers by leaving immediately. A quality Derby party uses the official glasses and has enough for every guest. You’ll know the glasses are legit if look like they’re intended for children and have the texture of beach glass polished by Kris Kristofferson’s beard. If the glasses don't say Kentucky Derby with that day’s date on them, it’s not a party you want to be at. Leave. Unfollow those people from your life.
The Mint Julep is the official drink of the Derby and the only thing you should be drinking out of that glass. Should you spot anyone drinking something else, report it to your host immediately.
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If you’ve never had a Mint Julep, you’re going to want to prepare by dissolving an entire pack of Tic Tacs in your mouth until it turns to a warm slurry. Wash that slurry down with a half cup of lacquer-based paint thinner. The first Mint Julep you ever drink is going to be rough, but I can assure you that subsequent drinks taste like hugs from a Koala. The traditional accompaniment to a Mint Julep is a Tide To Go pen. Bourbon stains on anything scream amateur hour.
Whether winning a bet or winning the party, guess at everything and guess with conviction. Remember one, and only one, horse’s name. Make up whatever back story you need to sell other guests on his undoubted victory. There are 20 horses that will eventually run and you’ll pick up the names of the ones that aren’t your horse. Don’t sweat remembering them, since you know the winner.
The festive hat thing is a tough call and not one I’m qualified to make. If possible, scout the location. The person rocking headwear the width of a Blackhawk helicopter in small apartment rarely gets invited back.
There’s likely going to be more muttering than most of the parties you’re used to. And most of it is going to come from people who are on a computer or phone the entire time. In a way it’s a work day for them. A positive nod and a “nice hit” when they audibly express what can be interpreted as joy is valuable currency in their worlds. That and actual currency.
It’s good to appear to have some knowledge of racing, but there’s really very little prep work that goes into it. There are no shortage of common names, including Bob, Gary, Wayne, Mike, Norberto or Orlando you can casually drop into a conversation and be completely fine.
Oh, and that horse name you remembered, learn his number as well.
