Hurt
I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that’s real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liars chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I will keep myself
I would find a way
Back when I was living where I was when I started this blog on Medium, I was going through… a few things. A few destructive, crazy, confusing, frustrating, yet ultimately life-defining, things.
One of those was holding on to a girl whom I needed to break up with. Years ago. And then finally did. But that’s a whole other story.
In the days leading up, I was listening to a bunch of songs, hopeful, or cheerful, or upbeat, tunes, with some pretty crazy, holding-to-hope, lyrics.
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When you’re happy, you enjoy the music. When you’re heartbroken, you understand the lyrics.
And fuck, did I understand the lyrics. Still do, and always will.
And then, out of all the burning ashes of my past hopes and dreams, after I had dumped a girl who was not my girlfriend (“DRAAAAMAAAAAA!”) and after the world suddenly snapped back into a state of reality I was familiar with, after I wondered “Has this whole year been a big cosmic joke?!” (the world seems to have wondered that, and concluded that no, it’s real, and finally adapted)… after all that… after everything suddenly stopped being confusing, and ended up just being shocking and draining, I just rested for about 6 months, and wrote.
REALLY wrote.
And then I heard this song.
My brother was playing it on guitar (accoustic).
He explained how, it was originally by Trent Reznor, of Nine Inch Nails, and that he intentionally left it unfinished, ie, the end of every line of lyric, the music ended on a note that didn’t FIT with the rest. That one last note was always off. Always unfinished.
And that Johnny Cash — yeah, THE Johnny Cash — liked it so much he coverd it.
I’m sure Nine Inch Nails was way after Cash’s heyday.
An old timer like Cash, taking a newer, more “alternative” artist like the guy from Nine Inch Nails, and making it his own, was pretty cool.
That he made it a trip down memory age with nostalgia, memory, bitterness, regret, hopes dashed, dreams gone, and memories fading, was nothing short of where I was, that day, when I heard my brother playing it on his guitar in his room.
I’m not going anywhere with this, not relating this for any specific reason, it’s just a moment where I discovered a song.
And I’m surprised it took me that long.
Because it’s a damn fine song.
