4th January 2026

Slowly, I’ve learnt to love myself again…

Today, I imagined putting all the bad habits I wish to let go of in a house and burning it down. Walking away from the flames in a ruthless culling of my character, to become the best version of myself.

I wish it was that easy.

Rewiring my operating system takes time. It’s not as simple as ensuring I’m connected to a power source, downloading, and installing.

Countless times, I have taken two steps forward and ten steps back. Sometimes I make some solid progress and throw it all away on a whim.

I prefer to spend my free time alone. I like it that way, but it’s dangerous too. With no-one to hold me accountable or question my choices, I am at the mercy of my level of self-discipline.

A handful of times, I have asked a friend to hold me accountable for a goal I want to achieve. By the third check-in, I told them I no longer wanted them to hold me accountable.

Accountability partners just feel like pressure. I’m already my worst critic. I don’t need disappointment coming from external sources too.

Disappointing myself became a very toxic cycle. I would set a big goal, I would start strong, get derailed, and resort to bad habits to self-soothe.