The Edge
What it’s like to live with Bipolar 1
“The Edge… There is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over.” Hunter S. Thompson
As someone with Bipolar 1, I am one of the unlucky ones who have, unfortunately, gone over the edge. Completely delusional, in fact. They call it mania; I call it God Mode.
I am all that has ever been when I’m in that state of mind. Time and money cease to exist. There is me, and only me, and everything is connected specifically for me to find. I am the most beautiful and sexy creature on the planet, and why wouldn’t I be? Didn’t you notice all this weight I lost? I’m just as skinny as the models! Look how sharp my jawline is. Look at these cool tattoos I got on my ankles! Never mind the deep, dark circles under my eyes or the sunken-in cheeks; look how bright and shiny my eyes are! I only need to sleep 2 or 3 hours a night. Sometimes not at all. There’s just so much to do. Projects. So many projects. Everything needs to be done now because why not now? If not now, when? It needs to be done now, and why would I stop working when I’m in the middle of a project? I could just go all night! Oh, you’re worried about me? Why are you worried? I finally found my true self and you are obviously jealous of my newfound freedom. I actually think all of you are dragging me down. And stealing all of my stuff, so I’m installing a deadbolt on a bedroom door to keep everyone out. That will show all of you. And are you concerned? Well, let me just tell you how you’ve completely failed as a parent for all these years. Never mind that your brain is riddled with Parkinson’s; you did all of this to me. I actually think I’ll start traveling to St. Louis and meet people and start a new life away from all of you. They will love me there. Why wouldn’t they? I’m clearly the best there’s ever been. I have all these great ideas and know so much better than them. So I’ll push and shove and persist until it finally comes to fruition. And then I’ll decide to go overseas. First class of course. And explore and spend money I don’t have because money isn’t real anyway, and I have this nice shiny metal credit card that will handle it, and drink till 3 in the morning and pretend I’m 20-something again. None of it actually matters anyway. Life is short! Live it now!
This went on for nine months.
I was finally able to get on an antipsychotic, but it would take another 6 or 7 months to completely come “back to normal.” I went from strictly mania to being in a mixed episode, which is mania or hypomania along with depression, and then straight to Self-Destruct Mode, or as it’s commonly known, severe depression. I wanted to end it so many times and decided against it, only for my kids. That would last for another 4 months.
Eventually, I started to get better. Instead of clawing my way back up the hill to the edge, I could at least crawl or, on good days, walk.
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But as soon as I heaved my leg over the ledge to climb back up, my friend Havy committed suicide. A few months later, I got divorced. Two weeks after that, my Mom suddenly died after surgery. Then my biological father died 16 days after her. My relationships with both parents were complicated, and now there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it. They’re both dead. Opportunity gone.
Cue the severe depression again.
Then I finally start to feel some relief.
Uh oh, stress is piling up because I’m trying to graduate. I’m back in hypomania.
Actually, I’m crying a lot. Maybe I’m depressed.
Do I actually feel alive again, or am I hypomanic?
Am I just stressed, or am I depressed again?
Maybe it’s both. I do feel amped but keep crying a lot.
Who knows.
So, when people like me use Hunter S. Thompson’s quote about the edge, it’s because we know exactly where it is. We live there, cautiously walking around, praying and hoping we don’t fall over it again. Second-guessing ourselves and our feelings. Always on alert. It’s never-ending. The temptation to fall over is always there, but so far, I’ve resisted. I hope I stay this way because I never want to be in God Mode or Self-Destruct Mode ever again.
