Ghosted.
Reading about other’s stories have helped me get through difficult times. This is why I want to share mine, because I know someone out there is hurting from this.
I’ve been ghosted before. After a date. After two. And one time even after six! To be quite honest, being ghosted after only a date or two doesn’t feel too bad (for me). I didn’t have the emotional investment yet. But it really when it happens after a significant amount of dates and have developed feelings, and when you start developing feelings for that person, and start hoping for a future — that’s when it freaking sucks.
Here’s my story.
I started seeing this guy I met from a dating app. He wasn’t someone I’d usually go for (he’s about 12 years older than me), but I thought I’d give him a shot. He was a divorced dad with 2 kids, but seemed to be pretty put together. He was divorced for a few years, and the amount attention and care he put into developing a relationship with me made me feel safe and secure. Even before we met he was incredibly kind, and he put forward a lot of effort in our conversations. I never laughed so hard with anyone I met online, and so I started crushing on him. I hadn’t even met him yet! I thought it was crazy, but it must mean something, right?
Fast forward to meeting him, I found out that he wasn’t what I expected in the looks department. He looked a bit older than the photos he shared — but I thought hey, he’s been such a great guy, I should give him a shot.
We continued going on dates for a few weeks, and things seemed to be moving forward at a good pace. He was attentive, made me feel secure and wanted, and I had no bad gut feelings about everything. He planned great dates, and we spent a lot of time together for the first few weeks. As the dates continued, and I felt safe enough for intimacy, which is something I don’t give away to easily when it comes to dating. This man made me feel like there could potentially be a future with him.
We were about a month and a half into knowing each other in person, and haven’t had the talk about exclusivity. But then things started to change. This was also the moment when I really started to like him.
I could sense a shift in his behaviour leading up to the ghosting — he started to pull away. He wasn’t texting as much as he normally did, so I found myself starting up the conversations a bit more. At the time, I didn’t think it wasn’t anything big. I didn’t expect him to text me all the time like in the beginning. People also get busy, and I know we can’t always respond in a timely manner. Yet my intrusive thoughts crept in, telling me that he was going to ghost me. I shoved them aside, saying that I was being ridiculous. Especially after the amount of time we’ve spent together.
I sensed something was off the weekend before he ghosted me. It was back in July, I was at a cottage that weekend. Sadly, I didn’t have a great time because I was feeling anxious about him not texting me as much as he used to. I was texting him, but I wouldn’t get the responses he normally gave me. He also stopped sending me voice notes. I soothed my anxiety by telling myself that he’s probably busy and he doesn’t need to be texting me frequently. Text messages ebb and flow.
When I got home, I sent him a message. A couple hours later he responded, saying that his son was in the hospital for his diabetes, and how stressful he was the entire weekend.
Immediately I felt awful. How could I be so selfish to be upset at him for not really texting me over the weekend, when really he was suffering and anxiously awaiting by the hospital bed next to his son?
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But I was also relieved that there was a reason for his lack of texts. We chatted briefly, he updated me with what was happening with his son, and said he’d message me tomorrow. I chalked it up to me being overly sensitive, and went back to living my life in ease.
I went about my next day, not thinking much into things. I felt at ease knowing that he was going to text me. And then he didn’t. I felt a little anxious towards the end of the day since I was expecting a text, but then I thought that he was probably just super stressed from the weekend and needed space.
The next day came around, and still nothing. My anxiety heightened. I thought about messaging him, but then I thought that he’s probably stressed and needed space. As the day progressed, my anxiety crept up.
The third day came around, and still nothing. I thought that this was weird, but also that he must just be really stressed. I was very anxious that day, but decided not to message him.
When the end of the week came and I still didn’t hear from him, I finally sent a message. I kept it light, and asked him how he was doing. I saw that he was online (we were using WhatsApp).
After I didn’t hear back from him, I knew it. He had ghosted me. I never messaged a second time, because I knew that he could respond if he wanted to. He could call if he wanted to. But he chose not to.
I was relieved when I got the answer. Uncertainty is the heart of stress, and not having a definite answer made this whole experience a hell of a lot worse.
I was angry. Real angry. This man decided to ghost me instead of letting me know. In my opinion, it was incredibly disrespectful. I thought about sending him an angry text. I’m glad I never gave him the time of day.
As much as I knew he ghosted me, I was still hopeful for him to get back to me. The more time passed, the less hopeful I was. And then came a point when I moved on.
This happened in the summer — I started writing this soon after, and now, about 10 months later, I finished. I’m over it now, and to be quite honest I’m relieved it never worked out with this guy. Feelings are fleeting, one moment you’re in debilitating pain over someone you thought you had a future with, and then time goes by and you can’t even remember what they looked like.
Going through this week was hell. It was a mix of ambivalence and heartbreak. I didn’t know if I should start moving on from the guy, or be hopeful and understanding. But I learned a lesson. I learned that if someone ghosts you, let them go. Don’t chase them, they’re not worth it. Especially if they don’t give you the time of day to send a text message to end things. You will get over them, I promise. They did you a favour.
And this guy did me a solid.
RM
