That itch
I keep having a recurring fantasy. I’m walking through a dark dusty building with a bull pup rifle hunting for someone. I know that it’s someone that I don’t know personally but it is someone that I have to kill. My heart is in my chest but in an excited way, not only do I have to do it but I want to do it and I’m going to feel good doing it.
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I developed an astigmatism when I was 12 and I took on board that being a pilot wasn’t my path in life. 15 years later and a recruiting officer smiled kindly at me. She told me that I’d passed all of the tests but my residency in the UK was still too “fresh” to accept me into the RAF reserves. I went away from Brize Norton with a lot of disappointment in my heart. The reserves was my final attempt to serve Britain in my capacity as a part of the military. Even as a “weekend warrior” I could have started meeting and working with people that I have more in common with. People that serve a greater cause, Queen and country.
The itch is still there, last year I went to an airshow. I watched the red arrows, I walked into and among the aircraft, I handled the various weapons that were available. I felt so good. Something primal inside of me understands this kind of war. Enemies try to kill you and you try to kill them. Enemies are honest with each other. Friends defend and protect you. You are active and proactive and you are ready.
Life in the passive aggressive office filled with frenemies is harder to navigate. People will fuck you over for reasons that span from; because their blood sugar is low to because they want brown people to go back where they came from. I don’t want to second guess if you’re friend or foe, I want reality. It would be so much easier to bash someone’s face in and so much easier to take a punch. War has rules, engagement has rules and I can follow rules. War has duty, duty that can be carried out and improved on. War has purpose even when you can’t understand it. It’s about ending the meaninglessness of life and putting an stop to the made up beliefs of the participants.
I am finding ways of curing that itch. Reading about wars and geopolitics. Getting to know foreign cultures. Accepting and culling my own ego. Understanding and obeying the rules. Doing my duty. Giving myself a purpose. This is how I find my relief.
