Juror #16
When you think of jury duty you think crud, I got picked. This is going to mess
up a perfectly horrible work week right? How can I get out of it? Me too.
They tell you to show up at 8:30 am, no drinks, no life line coffee for the first two hours I’m awake, no purse, no bag. I have my inhaler, EpiPen, car keys and my ID. At the last minute, a debit card, a little cash, because as a single woman I don’t want to be caught off guard not able to pay for something.
I hike it to the courthouse. Because parking is never near the place you need to be downtown. I find the correct room and am seated six feet apart on a church pew from two other women. Ultimately there will be 46 of us spread out across the back of this courtroom. I watch the defendant shuffle in with his lawyer. The prosecution lawyers, a man and a woman, scurry across to their seats.
Suddenly…“All rise…” the bailiff announces the judge. Like a herd of sheep we do looking at each other wondering if this right. Then just as quickly, “be seated.”
The judge shuffles her paperwork looking up at all of us. I see her taking a deep breath before she begins with the following: State of XYZ vs. Mr. blah blah blah in the criminal case of rape. The silence was deafening in the courtroom. All eyes on the defendant until the judge moved on with instructions and the seriousness of these charges and what our civic duty was. We are all sworn in. We would be reminded of our duty over and over for the next 5 hours.
I feel that familiar dizziness in the back of my head. That light headed feeling you get right before you are going to pass out. My heart pounding, my breathing fast and all from that one uttered word, rape. I could feel my stomach starting to churn, nausea. I didn’t have my pills. I didn’t know if I could do my civic duty. Was I going to have to tell them? I glanced around furtively, over fifty people in this courtroom.
I watch the first twelve men and women trudge up the the jury seats, plastic dividers between each seat due to Covid. You can see all of them clearly, not their faces, masks are still required, but their mannerisms and postures. Everyone starts upright and attentive.
Initial instructions are given. The prosecution is up, their opportunity to “get to know the jurors.” This is the only chance, for either side to understand who and what they are working with. They’re smiling, both sides trying to make this less somber. It is a male prosecutor, he looks harmless and sounds like he’s doing his best. The initial questions are mostly legal related, so non essential I am starting to nod off a bit. I hope I don’t snore. But then it changes…
He gives the definition of rape in the state of XYZ. Not just intercourse, but penetration of the mouth or anus and deviant sexual acts including oral.
The mood in the courtroom shifts. People’s heads go down. Juror #1 a younger woman starts rocking in her seat and rubbing her arms. Juror # 5, 8 and 10 won’t look at the attorney. Juror #6 asks for clarification if a woman can rape. Not relative in this case, but yes.
I feel my mouth go dry as the more personal questions start.
PA: Have you or anyone you know been affected by rape(Pause) slowly hands come up and one by one he continues…
PA: Ms. (he uses her name… the girl rocking and rubbing her arms she looking around like she needs an escape. I see the judge notices as well. He asks again) Juror #1 was this incident you or someone you knew?
Ms C: myself (her voice is strangled)
PA: I’m sorry ma’am. Was it in the state of XYZ?
Juror #1: no
PA: Were there criminal charges?
Juror #1: (I can see her starting to sweat) I was just a child.
Juror #1: I understand ma’am but were there criminal charges
Juror #1: yes
PA: very good. Do you feel justice was served ma’am
Juror #1: I mean I guess… yes
PA: Do you think you can be impartial in this case as is your civic duty given your experience?
Juror #1: I feel very awkward about this…. I don’t know. (
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I can hear the fear in her voice and I want to stand and say something. I don’t… but I want to so badly. I know my turn is coming.)
PA: I understand Juror #1 but I need to know if you feel you can be impartial.
Juror #1: I will try.
PA: thank you
I watched him go through 4 more women. Each the same question. Each a horrifying story leaking out in front of strangers. Their child, themselves as a child, themselves as an adult, their friend, their family members. All of these people touched by sexual assault. 1/3 of them woman. Who didn’t raise her hand?
The judge called a break. I watched Ms. C race out of the courtroom crying. No friends, no family to console her, at the end of the break the Baliff alone was charged with finding her in the bathroom in tears.
She and 4 others were excused. The next 12 were called. Myself and the 62 year old grandmother in front of me, who I had been laughing about menopause symptoms with during the break, we are both in this group. We glanced at each other as we passed, but couldn’t speak.
The judge gave us the same instructions assuring us this round would be quicker and the prosecution began. She was right, it was quicker. Three quick legal questions and the pain began. I could feel the nausea in my stomach the minute the lawyer started. The sweat pouring down my back.
PA: Have you or anyone you know been affected by rape(Pause) slowly hands come up and one by one he continues…The sweet grandmother raised her hand. She was raped in her youth by a family friend. Was there justice, hell yes in her mind, he committed suicide. The PA had no more questions.
I wasn’t going to raise my hand, but I’d sworn to tell the truth and if that grandmother could own up to her pain I could try to as well. I can barely speak my mouth was so dry. I see the sea of people in the pews. I see the stupid lawyers in the corner giggling and I see the defendant. My heart is pounding. Things are getting blurry around the edges.
PA: Juror #16 was this incident you or someone you knew?
Juror #16: myself (I have to swallow to speak and my ears are ringing.)
PA: Oh. (He has no more apologies he’s just trying to get through it.) Was it in the state of XYZ?
Juror #16 : no (he pauses and waits for more. I stare blankly at him. He brushes his hand down his suit.)
PA: Were there criminal charges?
Juror #16 : (I’m going to hyperventilate and I can feel the prick of tears) No (it comes out low and soft, I don’t mean to sound so wounded.)
PA: (doesn’t know what to say everyone else has had criminal charges or felt vindicated this far) um I guess you don’t feel there was justice then
Juror #16 : No
PA: Do you think you can be impartial in this case as is your civic duty given your experience?
Juror #16 : no
PA: I understand Juror #16: but I need to know if you feel you can be impartial.
Juror #16 : I said no.
The DA has no more questions he moves on to the next victim. He never looks at me again. I’m just juror #16 to him.
The defense attorney takes his turn, when he gets to me he will not look me in the eye. I listened to how he was going to build his case looking out the glass window trying to calm myself. I couldn’t do this.
I heard the defense attorney ask that I be excused. As much as I disliked what he was going to do I was glad I didn’t have to sit on that trial. It took a review of 36 people for them to find 12 jurors and 2 alternates. Over a 1/3 of the people were victims; well over half women.
It’s been two days and I find myself still angry. Not angry at a gender. I’m angry at a system that makes victims publicly speak about things that have happened to them in front of people they don’t know for the benefit of another’s freedom.
There was no one to talk to after this. I went home with my pitted stomach. I couldn’t eat or drink the rest of the day; those stories and those women in my head. Why? Does it have to be that way? I worry for my young nieces, I don’t want them to be a statistic. I have 3, 1 out of 3…
