Running From Myself
(Sigh…) “finally free. What a busy day.”
Busy? Was it really busy.
I know exactly what I did. I filled every hour with things that were not even mine, just so I would not have to sit alone with my own thoughts. Skipped lunch. Laughed with colleagues. Played my part well enough that no one noticed anything off. And still, I left early. Because Sandeep, how long do you really think you can keep running. You can avoid places, people, even memories. You cannot avoid yourself.
Now it is quiet. No noise to hide behind. No screen, no voice, no excuse. The truth does not rush in. It simply sits there, waiting. I miss you. There it is. I miss my family. I miss home. I miss my love. I miss all of them at once, so tangled that I cannot tell which ache belongs to whom anymore. It is just one heavy knot in my chest, refusing to loosen.
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This city keeps flashing lights at me as if I am supposed to feel something. Malls, towers, crowds, noise. Everything is alive, moving, buzzing. And somehow I feel invisible inside it. Like I am walking through it rather than living in it. I chased career, money, stability. All the things I thought would eventually settle me. While I was busy building a life, months slipped into years without asking me first.
Yes, I got the ranks. The designation. The status. But none of it feels like home. That is the part no one warns you about.
Is this really where I belong. Because nothing inside me agrees anymore. The place is full, yet empty in a way that drains you slowly. I am tired of being strong all the time. Tired of acting fine. Tired of holding myself together because this city does not allow space for falling apart.
I feel worn down. Softer than I admit to anyone. And this place will not even let me cry when I need to. Everything feels like a fight I never volunteered for. Maybe it is simpler than I make it. Maybe I am just homesick. Deeply. Quietly. More than I expected.
Sandeep… stop. What am I even thinking?
I need to prepare for the next client meeting….
