Saw someone I used to know and it messed me up
I got on the bus from dropping my younger niece off at school. My only time by myself where I can just sit and zone out for a bit without worrying about anything or anyone in that moment.
Half way through my zoning out session, one of the people I knew from my secondary school got on the bus. At first, I thought “wow, she looks older than I remember.” Then I remembered it’s been about 12 years and I’m almost 27. That blew my mind for a second. How time flies when you’re having… well, stuff to do. I pretended not to notice her, and hid my face. I wasn’t in the mood to be social. Just being around people 24/7 is enough social for me. Don’t even get me started on my Tism. That’s a whole other problem.
I noticed that she was pushing a pram and had a kid with her. I don’t know if they were hers, but it had me spiralling back into a place I had put in the back of my mind and didn’t want to see again.
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I’m nearly 27. I have no home. I have no kids. I have no friends. I have no life of my own. I’m just the hinge that everything swings on, the foundation under everyone’s feet, the engine of a chaotic car that never gets switched off. I’m invisible, but always needed. Can’t ever leave. Never off duty. No time for myself.
Now I know, there’s always someone who has it worse than me. But I’m pretty sure whoever said that line first just wanted to shut someone up. People struggling should be allowed to say it. They should be allowed to have help, or to have an out. Carers are looked at as caring and brave and so nice for helping, well I’m not anymore. I don’t care anymore. I’m not brave, I’m stuck, and I hate it. I see no future in sight where this changes.
I’m starting to hate myself for wanting to help when it all started. I have thoughts that people shouldn’t have while looking after others. I need help, and there is no one that will. I have my brother (able bodied) saying that he’s “overwhelmed” so can’t tag me out so I can have one tiny day of peace. I have medical professionals not listening to my reasonable adjustments all because they prefer to call. I can’t answer a damn phone.
(Long breath out to contain my anger)
Anyway… So, now I’m in a “great place” again. Thinking of stuff that isn’t going to help anyone. Being a Carer isn’t anywhere near as glamorous and easy as it is made out to be. If I had to think of a word to describe it… Hell. That would be my word.
