Good morning, from 11th Nov of 2024.
Time flies! She’s gone, she’s gone, and she’s gone; is what I’ll have to repeat to myself every day. When I go to bed, I rest my head with a NIKI song. When I wake, I’m met with a lyrical line of Anaheim: “If I could freeze this moment, make it my home, you’re all I want to know.”
She was all I wanted to know. Oh, and all I asked from you were only you. Not sure if it was since I’m not worthy enough, not your cup of tea, unfortunately born with too much love, or back to square one — no longer fitting to your best interest. You stopped giving yourself to me. And I may not be a boy who’s far from noble neither born in lap of luxury, I’m not able to shower you with jewelries or money, but I could ensure the rain of all my love; to see you, to feel you, to understand. To care.
To not anymore be given the same or even more amount of love and attention, was all your affection an act of curiosity? Do different sequence of time require different feelings, as an answer of the said I love you(s) I’m still very unsure the meaning of? I swear you were just mine yesterday.
I know it’d be easier if I just didn’t ask.
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I mean, it’s not that big of a deal. I’ve been in these situations before. But somehow, for this one, let me just feel it with more weight — heavier, harder. Somehow, I’ve predicted my own future, yet I can’t quite handle this disappointment. I still frequently wish you’d change your mind and your words when you had said, “You deserve someone better, I’m sorry.” You’re sorry? You’re? Sorry? I’m sorry, It’s just funny to me how-
I’d give anything to stop time — commit to you and not crimes. Yes, I am lost, but not in you.
Wouldn’t it be funnier to ask, how did I fall for someone I barely knew? How can a human fall in love through exchanged texts, no meeting eyes, no skin collides, no face let alone voice. There was no real-life presence, and I knew nothing of her truth. Is there any existing scientific analogy behind this?
I know it’d be easier if I just didn’t ask.
All I’ve waited for is to know. To study her through a real, authentic glass. To see her for who she is. I could spend my days learning her laugh’s melody. What’s a “she” if she’s never existed. Who’s this girl I’ve only known for 4 months? Who’s her mom that she’d only mentioned thrice or less? Who’s this stranger I’ve memorized her breakfast, lunch, and dinner menus? Who’s to find her when she, alone, can’t find herself?
And still, I know, it’d be easier if I just didn’t ask.
I want to know what goes through her mind, letting go of these 4 months so easily. Giving me up to God knows who’ll be able in letting me feel the same kind of love again. I have a lot to bargain, but all I want to give is to her. She’s worthy enough. Trust me, whatever’s the circumstances, despite knowing I deserve better, all I want is her.
For her to be the ‘better’ one. The better someone. Why didn’t she become better? Why can’t she try to be better? Even though in the end, I know I’m not willing to have the same kind of love again, I’m only willing to have her.
It’d be easier, if we did last.
Lux | 030425
