Character Breakdown
Here’s where I give a brief summary of how I feel about each of Gossip Girl’s characters. I have purposely missed some because they were either irrelevant or I’d probably be here for the rest of my life if I tried to cover them all.
Van der Woodsen/Rhodes
Serena van der Woodsen — Complete nightmare. I used to admire the lovable, untouchable burst of energy that was Serena and completely understood why Dan fell for her, but now I’ve realised she’s a self-obsessed airhead who can’t deal with anyone else being the centre of attention. “It’s not my fault” or “I did it to help you” are her favourite lines, clearly. Daddy issues galore.
Charlie Rhodes — Lame character. Completely in over her head. Tries far too hard. Stupid voice. White trash.
Lola Rhodes — I haven’t quite worked her out yet. I like her loyalty and down-to-earth outlook, but that’s sure to change if she’s on the Upper East Side for much longer.
Lily Humphrey — When GG began, I HATED Lily van der Woodsen/Bass/Humphrey/whoever. She hid Eric away for being mentally ill/suicidal and perpetually ignored her children’s cries for help. However, since seeing her grow into a much better mother and loving wife to Rufus, I love her and her devoted relationship with Chuck. Also, her flashback scenes in an early season were awesome. Why didn’t they continue?
Eric van der Woodsen — One of my favourite characters! Level-headed, honest and kind. Always a good outcome to a situation when Eric is involved. Sad that he’s not been around in season five.
CeCe Rhodes — AWFUL. Hated her from the beginning. Terrible, ignorant mother and the reason Lily is the way she is sometimes. Glad that she died (eek).
Carol Rhodes — Worse than CeCe. Money-grabbing psychopath. Who sleeps with their sister’s husband, has his child and then hides her away from the only other family she has? Selfish. Annoying face, too.
William van der Woodsen — Ew ew ew. I hate the Baldwin brothers anyway, but this character is the worst. It baffles me that the rest of the family forgave him for pretending to treat Lily’s cancer that wasn’t even there. Makes me mad that when he’s around, Rufus is invisible.
Humphrey
Dan Humphrey — Moderately annoying that he’s the show’s token hipster writer, as the connotations make for pretentiousness. However, I loved ‘Lonely Boy’ and was overjoyed when he and Serena’s relationship was at its peak. The snow room scene!!! He’s been obnoxious at times, but he has a good heart and is a generally likable character. Also — I’m secretly dying, wishing that Inside was a real book so I could read it.
Vanessa Abrams — Not technically a Humphrey, but is such a hanger-on that she may as well be. Token ‘exotic’ character in that of course they needed someone who wears homemade earrings and thrift store clothes. Initially I liked Vanessa, but she became more and more wet as the show went on. She met her match with Blair and couldn’t beat her, naturally. Another character who tries to do the right thing but just doesn’t fit in on the UES. The fact that she falls for any guy who looks in her direction was super annoying, too.
Rufus Humphrey — LOVE! I always feel calm when Rufus is around as he’s pretty much the perfect Dad. Good-hearted, loyal and honest. The fact that he’s this ageing rocker but complete softie is adorable. I love he and Lily’s relationship. Also — he’s the hottest Dad of all.
Jenny Humphrey — Where to begin? I loved Little J when she was cute and fun, but her emo-lution was just too much. Swinging off the rails to annoy Rufus, losing her grip on reality with trying to rally Blair and doing anything she could to get in on a scheme was cringe-inducing. However, I really miss her presence in S5 and think it’s a cop out that she’s “studying in London”.
Waldorf
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Blair Waldorf — LOVE! I massively favoured Serena in the early days and disliked young Blair and her self-righteous, classist outlook on the world. However, this switched dramatically and now I long for Constance-era B and her vast collection of headbands. She’s been through a myriad of horrible, taxing storylines and doesn’t get enough credit for how strong she really is. She and Chuck’s disastrous yet deep love for one another has made me cry, laugh and go into fits of rage, but I think it’s the most worthwhile plot in the show. Clearly, I could write a book about Blair! Ruthless, sophisticated and a complete powerhouse, yet endearing and lovable character too.
Dorota — Where to begin! Easily in my top five characters. Whenever she’s around I feel at ease, as she’s kind-hearted and always has Blair’s best interests at heart. It may be something to do with how she’s actually, you know, a real adult as opposed to these UES fakers who are all suddenly 20. Her maternal relationship with B melts my heart and she has the same effect on me that Rufus does. I do have a sneaking suspicion that she’s the elusive Gossip Girl, but I’m trying to quash this one. She’s funny and jovial and I love her huge personality. One small negativity: that faux-Polish accent directors obviously told her to adopt. Why does the fact that someone’s an Eastern European maid mean talk like robot?
Prince Louis Grimaldi — Huge no. Goodbye. I didn’t like him from the moment he made B believe he was the Royal Prince’s driver. He was just too nice and was never a real match for Blair. I say too nice, until he abruptly switched to being Psycho #1 during the wedding dance, bounding B to their marital contract… Who does that?
Eleanor Waldorf — One of my favourite early-GG memories was this awful woman’s photoshoot, where she lied to both Blair and Serena about who was to model. However, she has definitely grown on me as she’s showed more love and affection for her family. Strong woman sometimes caught in the crossfire. Like her though.
Cyrus Rose — Not enough! All I can say is that this character is brilliant.
Various minions — frrgnorelkssdfnjlkmgt double-crossing nightmares! They don’t even deserve their names typed out. Goodbye.
Bass
Chuck Bass — The glue holding the show together. Villain turned lovable hero. I am completely and utterly in love with Chuck, like basically every other heterosexual girl that’s ever watched GG. He’s suave, sophisticated and Ed Westwick is, in my opinion, one of the best male actors of our time. His love for Blair is undeniable and his vulnerability gets me every time. THAT SMILE. Early Chuck I didn’t like so much (attempted rapist, ew) but of course, that was the point.
Jack Bass — Hated him constantly; who on earth tries to ruin their nephew’s career and basically end his life? WHO? This new twist on the story has me confused about whether he is in fact Chuck’s father or not, which is sort of unnecessary in my book. He’s slimy and disgusting and I’m hoping for Chuck’s sake that it won’t be true.
Bart Bass — See above. Same feelings here for Bart. Cold, heartless man who has never, ever known how to love. No.
Archibald
Nate Archibald — Nate has always bothered me, like an itch I can’t reach. At first he seemed unimportant and I thought of him as the token Ken doll boy — the richest in the clan and completely reliant on Mummy and Daddy’s money. However, over the seasons, the character development has made me really like Nate. His scenes are borderline irrelevant sometimes, but I do like that he’s a hard-working, budding journalist. The theme of true friendship in Nate’s scenes do make me feel reassured, actually. Perhaps I do like Nate and his storylines more than I let on.
Harold Archibald — UGH. DIE. Sickeningly disloyal, dishonest creature. Hate this actor’s stupid face, too. I’m also lumping Nate’s awful, classist mother Anne into this subheading, because she doesn’t deserve her own.
Trip van der Bilt — All I have to say here is WHO TRIES TO KILL THEIR OWN COUSIN BECAUSE HE’S JEALOUS OF GRANDADDY’S LOVE? WHO LEAVES A GIRL THEY SUPPOSEDLY LOVE, OR ANYONE, IN A CAR WRECK FOR DEAD AFTER THEY CRASHED IT? Trip van der Bilt is the answer. Another UES robot who feeds the stereotype. Nate’s Grandfather can leave, too. Manipulative old man with a hell of a lot of issues.
Various other (annoying) characters
Georgina Sparks — God I HATE this actress. You can’t go from being an innocent little maths geek in Ice Princess who defies her mother in the most nondescript fashion, to the meanest person the UES has ever seen. That transition is just not a thing. Why has no one slapped her yet? The factthat she’s constantly on the lookout for new ways to hurt or ruin someone means I just cannot stand her. I get that she’s the show’s token devious bitch with a lot of issues, but Georgina is the worst of the worst and is often frankly cringe-worthy. I winced the entire way through her ‘Laura’ act, or whatever name she chose.
Carter Baizen — Another hateful character with the worst name in history. Who thinks of these things? From the moment he stole from Chuck and trapped Nate in a terrible scam, I knew I’d dislike him. From the unrealistic relationship with Serena to his minor part in all major scams and scandals, I wish they’d just kill him off already.
Agnes Andrews — Not the most annoying character of all, but definitely up there. Dress burner and jealous witch. Control freak with daddy issues almost as bad as Serena’s. I’m glad she only got a few episodes’ worth of airtime, the little spritely elf weirdo.
Olivia Burke — Lizzie McGuire. Lizzie McGuire. Lizzie McGuire. That’s basically it. I liked this character, but we all knew it wasn’t going to last — she wasn’t Serena, after all.
Damian Delgaard — Rat character. Belgian waffle. Nerd-turned-wannabe-hardman. He lead sweet little Eric on! Goodbye.
Juliet Sharp and Ben Donovan — This storyline was something that perked the show up after a short drought, but that doesn’t mean that every man who enters the show needs to be Serena’s new beau. It’s tedious. I really enjoyed Juliet’s take-down, covered by S, B, N and C. Great TV.
Diana Payne — jdsnfksnvoingwlrm. Liz Hurley SUCKS. It’s cringe-worthy television, seeing a flirtatious cougar bag a young, hot, male Barbie. She only serves to alienate journalists and people who work in the media with her deviousness. Why is the journo always the bad guy? Huh?
So, that’s that. A few hundred opinion-based words. Believe it or not, despite disliking a large percentage of the characters, I do believe that most, if not all, are relevant and gripping in their own ways. Every single character has, at least once, frustrated me, made me smile and made me hate them in some fashion. I don’t think I’d have it any other way.
