Rot in Manacles
What if these fetters have settled within me that I have begun to treat them as my own skin, Father?
The light is just, enough…
Enough to uncover the murk, but too sliver to reach my skin. I could barely feel the warmth that follows.
I have learnt to live through the hues of gray. But somehow, You kept hauling my soul until I could no longer veil the truth that I feel You. The shift was indubitable.
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And that’s what makes it agonizing. I know the truth yet these feet that was given warmth, keep wandering towards distressing cold places. I didn’t know that walking back to You means crossing a valley that strips away everything I knew, I’ve learned, I’ve lived with. Those things I once confided in. The voyage was too strenuous that it feels like being undone. This tide left me feeling enfeebled. It’s like my body knows its weight before I can recognize it. I know being pulled to the shore was Yours, but somehow, I couldn’t fathom why I’m back to these waters when I know I was clawing my way through You. I have spent so many years beneath these waves that I no longer discern whether I am fighting my way through these waves or just engulfed by it completely, and forgetting what breathing feels like.
And that gives my veins course of dread.
The murky feeling did not arrive all at once. It settled so gently that I’m unable to struggle.
I kept surrendering myself to these things that cannot hold its weight; anticipating that it will silence its hunger that never meant to satisfy. Leaving me starved every time; But I go back as though it never settled into my palate its taste of rancid.
I know I am a pharisee, I recognize my shame. I know I should call Your name, but my voice refused to reach my lips.
I know I am drowning, yet I’ve grown too tired to fight my way against the current. I am bound by my shackles that freedom feels estranged.
Grasping at the ember of hope, with these frail bones…let it be enough to reach for You before I grow accustomed this labyrinth.
