people do not necessarily heal us. interaction does.
we can reflect alone, but we cannot always reveal ourselves alone
there was this year, a point in healing when i realised: the first thing i healed was not the wound itself.
its a bit random, but i dont know how to open this otherway.
but anyway, it was my awareness.
i begin to notice, the words that come out my mouth. the way i react to things, to surroundings, pleasing or irritating events daily basis. my tendecies, my patterns, the things i do without thinking.
i begin to ask. to ask the not important question: why.
that year, when i met this person (later i called them my bestfriend),
i dont want to talk about this person, but more about what they brought and introduced to me.
because of that, i started seeing myself in a way i couldnt before.
things that once felt normal, suddenly beca(o)me visible
i realised that some of my behaviours were not (and cannot be) simply my defenses of “who i am”
i realised patterns in general. ways of surviving. was of dealing with things you hadnt fully understood.
and i think that this is where healing begins.
to be aware. awareness.
but in this time of travelling, i realised, awareness alone was not enough.
i have to recognise that i would have not been able to heal certain parts of myself IF i hadnt met certain people.(side note:) thus im opening this notes with my bestfriend. but again, im not talking about them.
but i would like to believe that not those people came into my life and magically fixed me.
they didnt (maybe). the couldnt, i think.
but for sure, what they did was create “interactions” in which I could finally see myself.
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i would like to highlght this as:
“sometimes, we dont discover ourselves in isolation. its possible. but i think the otherwise is helpful.”
for a long time, i thought self-reflection was mostly somehting you did alone.
you sit with your thoughts. you ANALYSE your behaviour. you try to understand your past. you try so hard to figure yourself out.
surely yes that matters. i wouldnt say these are pointless. if so, why i keep doing these.
but i think there are other parts of ourselfves that are almost impossible to see without another person..
you think youre patient until someone tests your patience.
you think youre generous until you realise youre keeping score.
you think you have forgiven someone until you meet them again, the anger somehow is still there.
there are things inside us that remain invisible until life gives something to react to.
and that something is what “interaction” does.
in a way: self-refecltion gives you a mirror. interaction gives you something to look at in the mirror.
someone says something, and suddenly you notice how defensive you become.
someone leaves, you realise how attached you were.
someone stays, you realise how difficult it is for you to trust that they stay.
someone treats you differently from what youre used to, and suddenly you have to question what this is, is it how this supposed to feel like, to look like.
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but its not about the “someone”.
the person didnt necessarily teach you these things. per se.
the interaction revealed the learnings. revealed of who you are.
_____
i used to think that certain people have “healed” certain parts of me.
but now, i think people dont necessarily “heal” heal us.
but dont me wrong, theyre more like: creating a safe place, safe enough, for us to heal ourselves.
if i believe that another person healed me, i might eventually depending on that person. and i dont want that.
so i would like to believe, that people, make us able to experience interactions, in which i am able to see, evaluate, and change myself. then i can carry that growth / healing forward. even after i part with that people.
because i also would like to keep my belief on: that nothing is meant to stay forever.
those people not necessarily have to become our best friends, family, partner, or even someone we continue speaking to. harsh. but thats the truth (i think).
sometimes a person can simple be a mirror.
sometimes a challenge. sometimes a witness. sometimes.. a safe place.
they show us something about ourselves that we would never have noticed alone.
(un)fortunately, they also show us something painful.
____
i dont like either to make you think: that this does mean letting everyone in.
being open to people doesnt mean giving everyone access to you.
you dont have to become vulnerable with everyone
you dont have to trust everyone
you dont have to keep people in your life simply because they once helped you grow
yes, some interactions are safe. but also, some are not
some people challenge us in ways that help us grow, others simply hurt us
we have to still maintain the wall. but its not just about closing the door. or keep opening it. it is neither to leave the door wide open for everyone. or close so strong that nobody can reach you.
i think it is important to learn when to open and to close it.
____
to conclude:
i think sometimes people are not there to heal-heal us
not to complete us
not even to stay
but to interact with us in ways that make something inside us visible
because once we see it,,
the rest is ours to do. our responsibility..
again, its not people who heal-heal us.
interaction does.
