BEGINNINGS
I have never been a fan of waiting. Waiting always brews anxieties. Anxieties cripples my thinking and in the end I find myself tired and unable to do anything. I am waiting on myself to really do anything. I am waiting on myself to be accountable for my actions.
Right now I have fear to write to a friend because of my mistake. My mistake has jeopardized my relationship with him. I find myself unable to write, watch, read and even cook.
So all I want is to sleep. Curtains closed. Doors locked. Lights switched off. And I know this leads to depression. Because I have been here before. I fear facing the world because anyone that looks at me, surely knows I wronged my friend. The light pierces through my mind. And soul. It leaves me exposed. Bare. Barren. So I do not want to be in the light.
Get Abiud Khimani’s stories in your inbox
Join Medium for free to get updates from this writer.
So I want to disappear off this world. I want to be alone. I want to die.
I love movies. I love reading. I love looking at birds. I love Frank Ocean. I love photography and the possibilities it represents. I love good company. I love beers. I love Binyavanga Wainaina. I love Blonde album by Frank Ocean. My favorite book is One Day I Will Write About This Place by Binyavanga Wainaina. Hey. I love Solange. I love Just A Band. And I Love Keguro Macharia. It has been a dream of mine, if I ever have a son, I will name him Keguro.
Yet all this do not help me. They do not lift me up. And so I am all alone wondering if this life is worth living. The direction it has taken for me has so far screamed how much of a failure I am to myself. I have never been concerned with the trajectories of life my college mates took. Because all along I have believed that everyone’s journey is unique to each.
And now at this time I ask myself whether any of my dreams will ever make sense. My filmmaking and journalism career has been in the ruins. I am realizing I am so good at self destructive behavior. I do not know what redemption is there for me. But everyday represents a possibility. To self destruct more.
For now, bye. Until I self destruct more.
