Is Withholding Affection from a Partner Emotional Abuse?
Maybe, but it depends on what happens next.
Emotional abuse is a serious subject, and I do not want to minimize the harm it causes. It leaves the victim emotionally or physically scarred or worse, and by no means do I want to distract from that.
This article is about another form of pain and distress in relationships: withholding of affection. The affection could be kissing, hugs, or sex, but in many relationships, one partner (or both) withholds (for whatever reason) some type of closeness and intimacy their partner needs to feel connected.
I’m not talking about once in a while rejection, but rather a pattern of refusing their partner physical connection.
“Not tonight, honey.”
“I have a headache.”
“Work was really stressful this week.”
The American Psychological Association defines emotional abuse as follows:
nonphysical abuse: a pattern of behavior in which one person deliberately and repeatedly subjects another to nonphysical acts that are detrimental to behavioral and affective functioning and overall mental well-being. Researchers have yet to formulate a universally agreed upon definition of the concept, but they have identified a variety of forms that emotional abuse may take, including verbal abuse; intimidation and terrorization; humiliation and degradation; exploitation; harassment; rejection and withholding of affection; isolation; and excessive control. Also called psychological abuse.
American Psychological Association. (n.d.). Emotional abuse. In APA dictionary of psychology. Retrieved from https://dictionary.apa.org/emotional-abuse
Withholding of affection is listed specifically, but what does that mean exactly? Typically, it also has to meet some other criteria, such that the withholding of affection is meant in some way to coerce, control, intimidate, manipulate, punish, or maintain power over you in some way. So, does this happen? Yes. Yes, it does.
Let’s switch gears for a moment. Let’s say that your partner had a stressful day and comes home from work and yells at or insults you. Abusive? Maybe. Justified? Well, they did have a stressful day, but does that justify acting out and hurting your feelings? Probably not. But what about affection? That same person comes home stressed and doesn’t want to give you a hug or kiss, not to mention get more physically intimate. Abusive? Most people would say no. Justified? Most would say yes. If a partner simply has a lower desire for physical affection, is overwhelmed, depressed, exhausted, or needs temporary emotional distance that seems ok. Even if the other partner seems hurt by it? It seems so.
Yelling, insulting, and withholding affection can have distressing consequences on the partner to whom it is directed. But, a behavior that is seen is more easily condemned than one that is not.
For example:
- If a person yells at their spouse, people can point to a concrete behavior: “They yelled.”
- If a partner rarely initiates affection or responds to bids for connection, the discussion often becomes more subjective: “She doesn’t owe you affection,” or “Maybe he’s exhausted.”
Chronic emotional neglect can damage a partner just as profoundly as many active behaviors, yet we often fail to recognize or discuss it with the same seriousness.
Shutting Down Physical Intimacy Can Become Coercive and Controlling
One clarification comes first. Nothing here overrides a partner’s right to decline. Refusal is never the abuse, and this framework should never be used to recast a “no” as mistreatment. Bids for intimacy can themselves be coercive, and pressure, guilt, and persistence after a clear “no” are their own form of harm. What I’m describing isn’t “my partner said no,” but the environment of blame, invalidation, and conditions that can accompany withholding.
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For many people, physical affection is one of the primary ways they experience emotional connection. For those people, not receiving it can be very painful and distressing, but pain alone is not sufficient to establish emotional abuse. Even then, it is almost laughable (or insulting to those who have suffered other forms of abuse) to think that a few “not tonight, honey” responses can be talked about in a similar context. And, if that’s all it was, you may be right. But, it often coincides with other questionable behavior.
For one, the withholding of physical intimacy often comes with attempts to control, coerce, or guilt the partner into doing various things. The withholding partner might tell their spouse that they cannot feel ready or relaxed unless their partner completes an endless series of tasks, which may include cleaning the house, making sure the kids are quiet and occupied, helping them with their own work, or organizing other activities to fulfill their own goals, just to name a few. The set of demands placed on the partner is often untenable and unrealistic, and not only set an unrealistic burden on the relationship for physical intimacy, but also places the blame on the partner’s side for the withholding person’s desire or motivation. One person is being blamed for the other making a choice not to engage in physical intimacy. As discussed elsewhere, spontaneous desire is not always necessary for mutually chosen and ultimately fulfilling intimacy.
Additionally, the choice or motivation for engaging in physical intimacy might have nothing to do with the receiving partner. It could be hormonal, stress-related, passive-aggressive, or due to any number of unrelated internal factors.
So now we have a situation where we not only have one partner withholding physical affection, but blaming their partner for their choice, and, on top of that, providing a list of tasks that supposedly will free up time and space so that the withholding partner feels ready to engage. While this can sometimes happen, the task list is often unreasonable, burdensome, and completed tasks are often replaced by other tasks or deemed insufficient.
The next form this takes is that the withholding partner often communicates that their partner’s desires for intimacy are invalid, unimportant, or less important, particularly in comparison to the withholding partner’s feelings. The partner who desires intimacy is made to feel like they should suppress or distract themselves from their desire for connection. This often has the effect of making one partner feel guilty or bad for wanting intimacy.
In coercive relationships, the pattern often involves more than the absence of affection. As a result, the following pattern of behaviors might occur in what I call the Affection Withdrawal Abuse Cycle:
- One partner repeatedly invokes stress or another emotion whenever their significant other raises an intimacy need.
- The stressed partner’s needs are treated as unquestionably legitimate.
- The other partner’s needs are reframed as selfish or unreasonable (blanket invalidation).
- Attempts to discuss those needs are met with excessive defensiveness, anger, or shutdown to silence their partner.
- The partner expressing the need is made to feel guilty for expressing a normal relationship need. Oftentimes, the partner with the need apologizes for expressing themselves or feels guilted or coerced into completing a series of tasks that appear to always change and evolve to win over the withdrawing partner.
Even when intimacy does occur, the withdrawing partner may remain emotionally withdrawn or communicate resentment in a way that turns the experience into something aversive or punitive. The intimacy-seeking partner may then be made to feel guilty, as though expressing a desire for closeness means they are “using” their partner.
Over time, the partner expressing this intimacy need learns it’s emotionally unsafe to express their needs at all. When someone repeatedly punishes their partner for expressing normal relationship needs, this creates an emotionally unsafe environment. When citing stress or a similar emotion becomes a permanent strategy that invalidates one partner’s needs and makes it unsafe for them to express those needs, the relationship has become emotionally coercive. At that point, stress has stopped being an explanation and has started functioning as a shield against accountability, as opposed to coping with and working toward resolving internal states that negatively impact the marriage and their partner.
So, is someone obligated to be physically affectionate with their spouse? No. Does saying “not tonight“ constitute emotional abuse by itself? No. But, when the partner who desires intimacy is made to feel guilty, that their feelings are invalid, or feels unsafe to express their feelings due to the disproportionate response of defensiveness, criticism, or distancing that would be imposed by their partner, then it crosses the line into emotional abuse. When the withholding partner blames their significant other for their own internal states and emotions in an unrealistic way, that can become abusive. Furthermore, when the partner who desired intimacy has been made to feel that they need to engage in certain behaviors, or complete certain tasks, many of which are unrealistic or unnecessarily burdensome on the relationship, in order to perform or earn the partner’s affection, that may cross the line into abusive.
Withholding affection alone is usually not emotional abuse. It may, however, constitute serious relationship neglect. When it becomes part of a recurring pattern of blame, invalidation, coercion, shutting down communication about intimacy, or emotional punishment, it can become emotional abuse.
A closing caveat. Not every version of this is coercive. A draining environment can lower desire with no intent to control anyone. An unequal share of the housework or emotional labor really can wear desire down, and a partner who says they can’t relax until the load is shared may be describing that honestly, not making demands. What tells the two apart is whether finished tasks and effort are met with recognition and closeness, or just met with more tasks and invalidation.
Physical intimacy is an important need for many romantic relationships to survive, and while there may be different levels of desired intimacy between partners, intimacy should never be used as a tool to control, coerce, or otherwise manipulate a partner. Withholding intimacy without engaging in any of these abusive behaviors, but still not making an effort to communicate to your partner or counselor about it, may not be abusive, but it can still represent serious relational neglect and ultimately make the relationship unsustainable.
