“Don’t ask!!!”
Aziz replied furiously. I saw anger in his face when he said that. I felt very uneasy. That uneasiness stayed with me throughout the course. I had no clue why he reacted to me like that.
Upside of master studies in Europe is the flexibility in choosing courses you like. One could choose any courses offered from the university in his study track, you need to finish 120 credits to be a master graduate. Take as long as you want, but learn it well, that’s the attitude.
One of the courses I choose for 5 credits was a seminar in machine learning. Course was structured in way that ,30 machine learning doctorate students in the same university would send across a short draft of their respective research topics and master’s students would have to choose one topic,on what interest us most. You have to send a motivation letter along with the topic of our interest to the professor so that the professor have the final say on who takes the topic in cases of multiple interest for the same topic. If you are unlucky, you will have to settle for any other topic or choose to do those credits with another course, or try again next semester for topics of your interests. Good universities provide so many courses to choose from so that you don’t have to wait for next semester. You choose another course which interest you. I have often seen many students doing more courses despite of have already finished the required 120 credits because the courses are so enthralling.
In this course we had to work on that topic along with a doctorate students for a semester. Our tasks would be to do literature reviews on various research papers related to the topic and further do an small machine learning experiment. At the final presentation day, we present our learnings along with the experimental results. We would be graded on basis on our presentation.
“Machine Learning in online video streaming”
my eyes fell directly on this title while skimming the drafts titles from the doctorate students. Even before starting to read the draft I had started phrasing my motivation letter in my head. My past machine learning experience at a online educational video company was the catch in my motivation letter. Motivation letter was very strong, and I was sure about getting the seminar topic for myself. We send him our topics and motivation letters.
Next day we got the email from professor, which had the list of assigned topics and the mail ids of the doctorate students. We were instructed to schedule meetings with the doctorate students and organize our seminar. Last sentence of the email read.
“You are on your on now. Feel free to use all academic resources you want. Looking forward to seeing you on the presentation day”
That’s it. There is no more classes for this course. I searched for my name in the csv file attached with email and was thankful that I got the topic which I wanted to. I read out the doctorate students name with whom I was supposed to work for the semester. It read ‘Mohammed Aziz’. I searched for him on LinkedIn, so that I could I could prepare for my meeting. I also sent him an email requesting for an appointment.
Dear Aziz,
Greetings of the day
I’m Kevin Jacob. I’m glad that I have been assigned to work with you on Machine Learning on online video streaming. I was given your email ID to request for more reference materials. Could you please let me know your convenience to schedule a meeting.?
Thanks in advance.
He replied in less than 30 mins and we scheduled the meeting for the next day. I was impressed in his swiftness in responding and was expecting a good research course.
Me “Good Afternoon, Aziz”
Aziz: “Good Afternoon, Kevin”
we started with gentleman’s firm handshake and a smile, when I met him in his office next day. Aziz was in his late 20’s or early 30’s. I could smell strong cigarette smell when he greeted me.
Azzi: “Where are you from ?”
He asked me. I answered him with a gentle smile.
Me: “India”
Aziz: “I guessed so”
It was easy for anyone to guess where I was from with my dark skin tone and strong facial features of an Indian. But I couldn't guess where he was from. His facial features resembled my friends from middle east, Turkey, Pakistan and Afghanistan. I couldn’t be certain. So I asked him.
Me: “Where are you from?”
While asking that I had no idea, how big mistake it was .
Aziz: “Don’t ask!!!”
Aziz replied furiously. I saw anger in his face when he said that. I felt very uneasy. That uneasiness stayed with me throughout the course. I had no clue why he reacted to me like that.
My mind : “Kevin, Did you fuck up this course by that question?”
I heard my mind speak to me. I was scared.
Aziz: “Where in India are you from?”
He realized that I was scared. He tried to initiate a conversation to make me relaxed.
Me: “I’m… I am from down south. Kerala”
I said stammering. There was a long 40 seconds silence then. I saw him close his eyes and move his pen in his hands.
Aziz: “I’m from Kashmir.”
He said, breaking that longsilence. I looked at his face. He kept his head down while saying that. Despite of his head being diwn, I could see a shade of disappointment in his face.
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We worked together for next few months. I never understood what happened in our first meeting. I did not dare ask him that. I knew part of my grades was his authority. I didn’t want to fuck up things. Even though I had an uneasiness working with him, I did complete that course with an average score of 3.0 out of 5.0. After the course I never met him. I never wanted to.
Six months down the line, I watched a video on YouTube. It was uploaded by Vox — Understand the News. It’s one of my favorite channels on YouTube, they standout because they explain a current affair news in few minutes giving you full picture of the news, not only explaining the present but also digging it’s past connections. If you are not following news on that topic, videos from this channel will educate you on all what you need to know.
Kashmir. No Indian media or Pakistan media had said story of Kashmir from the perspective of people living in Kashmir, now Vox have done that.
This video gave me my answers, It wan’t me. He wasn’t angry to me as an individual, he was angry to me as an Indian. His anger was to India, his anger was to Pakistan. For not letting them live, for not letting them dream, for not letting them fly high. Now I understand, his pain. May be, he had a very bad experience as a child. What if he had gone through real pain because of Kashmir trouble. I recollected his angry expression, and now I could see the pain behind his anger.
Chris: “Would you go on a war for your country, if your country demands?”
Asked my German friend almost a year back before all these incidents. Chris is the one who I would trust my life with. Often we have intellectual conversations of any topic that comes into one of our minds on that particular day. We might end up discussing it for several hours straight or sometimes one sentence would do it all. This was the shortest among all.
Me: “Of course, I will. If my country needs me to, I will.”
I said without thinking. It was spontaneous reply.
Chris: “Have you thought who benefits out of that?
Saying that, he send me 5 minutes video from The New York Times. It might have been the shortest debate we had, but this debate got me thinking for weeks after watching the following video .
“You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future”
These are words of Steve Jobs from his speech at Stanford. Every incident, every experience in our lives are dots, its connects to display the picture at the right time. That video from Vox — Understand the News connected 3 dots for me. Aziz|Kashmir | Nationalism . If Chris would have asked the same question today about going for war. My answer would have been different. What would be your answer??
It changes nothing , but to those who boasts about military power of your nation. What would be your reaction if two mighty nuke nations fought in your wonderful state, in your favorite backyard? Would you still continue to boast about the military power of your nation? That was the hidden question in Aziz anger.
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