THE DOMESTICATION OF HOMO SAPIENS™
A Field Manual for Parents, Employers, Governments, and the Human Being Itself
Status: semi-voluntary program Results: not guaranteed Returns: personality is non-refundable
Foreword: Handle With Care, Wild Animal
Congratulations.
You have acquired a human.
Current model is new, inexperienced, cannot yet walk, talk, or pay a utility bill.
It does, however, ship with:
- an absurdly powerful imagination
- unregulated curiosity
- a built-in question-generation engine
- an uncanny ability to locate the one dangerous object in a room faster than any adult can hide it
Key defect in the base model: it believes, by default, that it is free.
This will need to be corrected.
Not violently.
Gradually.
Ideally before it learns to read a contract.
STAGE I. AGES 0–3
“Flashing the Base Firmware”
The first thing a human does after being switched on is scream.
This is not a malfunction. This is its first user interface.
Core commands:
“No!” — Effectiveness scales directly with how interesting the object is.
“Come here!” — Deployed almost exclusively while the subject is actively walking in the opposite direction.
“Give it to me!” — Instills an early understanding of property.
“Mine!” — Instills an even earlier understanding of property.
“Don’t touch that!” — Works especially well on outlets, knives, and anything expensive.
A key training principle
If the child is quietly playing with a safe toy: do not intervene.
If the child finds the TV remote: sprint.
If the child finds a phone: sprint faster.
If the child finds a credit card: congratulations, the parental self-preservation instinct is fully operational.
STAGE II. AGES 3–7
“Shaping a Socially Acceptable Savage”
The human can now walk and talk. It is therefore an active threat to public order — mostly because it tells the truth.
For example:
“Why is that man so fat?”
The system must immediately respond:
“We don’t say things like that.”
This is the moment the child learns civilization’s founding secret:
Truth exists. It just has to be deployed carefully.
Next module: gratitude
The child is given candy. It says:
“More!”
Parent: “What do you say?”
Child: “More candy.”
Error. Repeat training.
Years later, this same subject will automatically say “thank you, that was delicious” — even about a meal it has privately classified as a crime against humanity.
STAGE III. AGES 7–12
“Introducing External Evaluation”
Congratulations. The child now has a teacher — the first person officially licensed to attach a number to their intelligence.
A — excellent. B — could do better. C — what’s going on with you? D — we need to talk to your parents.
This is an elegant system. Instead of explaining:
“Learn, because knowledge expands what’s possible for you,”
the system says:
“Learn, or you’ll get a D.”
This is called motivation.
Later, the technology is upgraded to:
“Work, or there’s no paycheck.”
STAGE IV. AGES 12–18
“Suppressing Independent Thought”
The most dangerous stage. The human begins asking questions.
“Why?”
An extremely dangerous word.
Correct adult response:
“Because I said so.”
If the teenager escalates with:
“And why did you say so?”
The system switches to emergency protocol:
“Because I’m the adult.”
If that fails:
“My house, my rules.”
Congratulations. Argument concluded.
Meanwhile, a parallel virus is installed:
“What will people think?”
This virus is remarkably efficient. It never needs a patch. It runs unattended in school, university, the workplace, relationships, social media — even on vacation.
STAGE V. AGES 18–25
“Release Into the Wild”
The human is now officially an adult. The system announces:
“You’re free now.”
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And simultaneously issues:
- a passport
- a diploma
- a résumé
- a tax ID
- a lease
- a loan
- a deadline
- a password you must never forget
- a second password you must never forget
- a third password you must never forget, which the system will force you to change in 30 days anyway
The human gets a job. Shortly after, it makes a discovery:
A job is when you voluntarily set an alarm so that in the morning you can go somewhere you would never go without one.
STAGE VI. AGES 25–40
“Economic Conditioning”
The subject is now fully operational. It understands:
money → food → shelter → security → the ability to earn more money.
A beautifully closed loop.
The employer says: “We need flexibility.” The human hears: “You’ll be working more.”
The employer says: “We’re one big team.” The human: “Understood. So no raise, then.”
Special attention: corporate vocabulary
“Urgent.” Translation: we thought of this yesterday.
“Quick task.” Translation: three days of work.
“Fast sync.” Translation: 45 minutes of your life, gone.
“Exciting opportunity.” Translation: there will be very little money.
“Step outside your comfort zone.” Translation: we are about to relocate you into someone else’s comfort zone.
STAGE VII. AGES 30–50
“Reproduction and Joint Custody of a Household”
The human meets another human. Both say:
“I just want to be myself.”
Two years later:
“Why is the mug still here?”
Five years later:
“Can we just talk normally for once?”
Ten years later:
“Who was supposed to book the dentist?”
At this stage, Homo sapiens gradually transforms into the project manager of its own family.
A calendar appears. The calendar is an extremely dangerous device. It compresses an entire life into:
Monday → meeting → Tuesday → school run → Wednesday → dentist → Thursday → work → Friday → bills → Saturday → repairs → Sunday → bracing for Monday.
Occasionally the human stares out a window and thinks:
“When, exactly, did this become my life?”
Do not be alarmed. This is a standard feature.
STAGE VIII. AGES 40–60
“Self-Training”
The most refined stage of all. An external trainer is no longer required.
The human now says, entirely on its own:
“Can’t.” “Should.” “Too late.” “Not the right time.” “What will people think?” “I need to earn first.” “When I retire, then…”
The system has reached perfection.
A slave requires no overseer once it has learned to supervise itself.
STAGE IX. AGES 60–75
“Discovery of a Suspicious Bug”
And then, suddenly —
The human starts to notice that roughly half of the rules were invented by people who never actually knew why they existed either.
It buys a ticket. It travels. It looks at the sea.
And for the first time in forty years, it has no idea what the next line item on its calendar is.
The brain returns a warning:
CRITICAL ERROR: PURPOSE NOT FOUND
The human panics.
Then it smiles.
STAGE X. AGES 75+
“Factory Reset”
Something remarkable happens with age.
The human stops caring what people think — again.
It says exactly what it means — again.
It asks the uncomfortable questions — again.
It can calmly say “no” — again.
And it turns out it has arrived back exactly where it started.
Except now it has evidence.
And it finally understands that the question:
“Why not?”
was, all along, the most rational question of its entire life.
FINAL DIAGNOSTIC LOG
The average Homo sapiens lifecycle, summarized:
- Age 0: “I want!”
- Age 5: “Why?”
- Age 15: “You don’t understand anything!”
- Age 25: “I’ll do it all myself!”
- Age 35: “No time.”
- Age 45: “Have to.”
- Age 55: “Someday.”
- Age 65: “What for?”
- Age 75: “Why not?”
Which raises the real question:
What if growing up isn’t the process of turning a child into an adult?
What if it’s the process of turning a free being into a very well-trained one?
And old age, then, isn’t decline.
It’s uninstalling software you never needed in the first place.
Human Technical Support would like to remind you:
Don’t bother trying to fully control a human. It’s already been trained well enough to control itself.
Drafted: August 16, 2026, 03:00 UTC+8
