My peerless agony…
Life is more painful than death.
I’m doing my best not to act on my feelings, but I’m only a child. Nobody asked whether I wanted to be born or exist. I would have chosen not to come into this world. The world had already rejected me before I was born. What did I do to deserve this suffering?
My father abandoned me at an early age, I was rejected by my own family, and I grew up in an awful household. What else could I ask for?
Dear Dad, I recall thinking you could do no wrong; now I see all the horrible things you’ve done. But if you were man enough to offer me an apology, I would take it right away.
Dear Mom, I realize you were hurt and deceived, but why did you hurt me as well? I was a little girl, and all I knew was that your fury never changed.
Get prime’s stories in your inbox
Join Medium for free to get updates from this writer.
Dear Grandma and Grandpa, I needed you to guide me gently, not criticize me harshly. If I had been held instead of hit, I know everything would have been different.
Dear Uncle, should I feel grateful for having survived one trauma after another? They could have all been prevented if my family had been healthy.
I loathe myself for loving you so much; look at how much anguish you caused me. You should not damage those you love; I was a child who needed to be cared for. How many times do I have to forgive you before I feel bad about shattering my own heart? I owed you my life, so you ended my childhood before it even began.
Damn right I’m mad.
I’ve spent my entire life recovering from situations that I should have been shielded from. I was too young to become a ghost filled with grief; children are supposed to be happy and free. Don’t tell me that without all of my challenges, I wouldn’t be who I am now. I already know that. I could have remained a child rather than being forced to grow up. The peoplewho were supposed to keep me safe failed me. No amount of healing can change it.
Damn right I’m mad,
I will never get my childhood back.
-era
