Selfish.
I hate this..... The person you loved the most is the first person to disregard you and hurt you in a ways noone understands and i hate myself for existing in such a state. I hate that when i cry out of pain i become selfish. I hate that i exist on such terms i wonder sometimes if not existing would do me less harm than my heart who hold those people close who can’t see me as me….
So I kept throwing my art not cuz i hate it not cuz its ugly not bcuz i spent my time and clearly heavy amount of time on it doubting and self reflecting and still making it facing countless rejections and molding it as much as i am asked i still threw them away as one line one black line was all it took to waste my countless sleepless nights, my courage of fighting self doubt when it creeped from every corner that it could find. I ran in despair finding people responsible for the damaged they caused not to that art piece but my soul i wanted apology and i was slapped back with a selfish label.
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If this is selfish than i would rather die as selfish. And obviously alone cuz Noone can see the damage caused to me or maybe it never mattered to anyone. Noone saw tears, my sore muscles, my eyes strain, my upset stomach. All they saw an immature girl fussing over an art. Now i don’t create art i left the feild and suddenly i became a waste noone remains proud. And i am tried of making people proud when i am not proud of myself at all. I dont feel the urge to make someone proud anymore to prove myself and then what? Why it’s always me running a marathon for people who don’t even look back. Why i am running when i don’t even like running..
So i would rather be selfish and not run, i would rather be an amateur girl fussing over ruined art.
One canvas was all it took to make me realize i stand utterly alone.
