“Just settle down.”
Words I’ve heard from friends that somehow make my blood boil!
I don’t think they grasp what happened to me. I don’t know how to settle after experiencing so much life.
I’ve lived in sixteen different homes — family homes, dorms, rental apartments. I’ve packed and unpacked more times than I can remember, or even count. My family did too (it makes me angry)!
Packing is something people complain about. They dread the boxes, the bubble wrap, the chaos.
I never complained.
Have they experienced squeezing everything into two airline suitcases — the way airlines force you to decide what your life is worth? or maybe I was not rich enough to send every thing without filtering. Also, I am very sentimental so yeah you will find me packing a whole luggage worth of scrap papers!
One time, I packed everything without having to let go of anything!! like ANYTHING
Do you know what that feels like???????
I never felt that way before! Yes moving is hard but not having to chose what to let go of….
I’m not complaining about the places I’ve been or the opportunities I’ve had. I know what people will say.
“You’re brave.”
“You’re lucky.”
“You’ve seen the world.”
And they’re right.
But I’m tired.
Am I allowed to say that?
Because when people hear that I’m exhausted, the answer is always the same:
“Just settle down.” , “you need some stability”
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Okay.
Where?
Do I settle near my family, knowing I’ll have them close but leave behind the friendships I’ve built elsewhere?
Do I settle in a country that never quite felt like home, where winter sinks below zero and loneliness somehow feels even colder?
Do I keep searching? but I am tired to start all over again!
Or do I build something entirely my own?
A home that doesn’t already exist.
Sometimes it feels wrong to tell my family, “I don’t want to be here.”
Not because I don’t love them.
But because I don’t know if this place is where I’ll finally become rooted. I do not feel myself here.
And yet… I can see its potential.
Maybe this is where I start something that’s mine.
Maybe I finally stop searching for a place that feels familiar and start creating one that feels true.
Maybe I embrace being the girl people always ask,
“Wait… are you sure you’re from here?”
Because maybe that’s who I’ve become.
Not someone from one place.
يا رب اتجوز واقعد في البيت
