Beneath The Veil
I have been meaning to write to you all for a while now, I realize it’s been a whole month! I wish I had an excuse, but I don’t. Instead, I see now my need to overexplain, over-give… over, over… I spilled my cups… and they were empty.
I have been scratching and clawing my way to find meaning, to mean something to someone out there to see the value in all I do. That’s all I did until recently, I had a glimpse as to why. The past couple of months, I witnessed all the pain, torment, and chaos I had invited from this detrimental state. I abandoned myself like my parents before, I negotiated my worth for the liking of others. I was fueled by self-abandonment unknowingly.
How couldn’t I though? No one who was supposed to protect or love me ever really ever chose me! I was last, while I cared for everyone else. It was a curse I had to relive over and over until I had a breaking moment. I cleansed myself like it was no one’s business, every day there were tears as I kept myself hidden away in my dark room.
The epiphany was Darkness was never my enemy, she was my invitation to see all of me!
Sure there are a whole slew of reasons, why I came to be this way. I had lived a life all too familiar with abuse and neglect until that treatment became self-indulgent. I repeated the cycle and the perpetual shame. I beat myself into this guilt-riddled psychosis… always requiring more time in silence and fear.
The blame game never did anything for me, and I wish I knew exactly what shattered all this into pieces, but unfortunately and fortunately it was piece by piece. I was piecing back together all of me, and there by my side was my ancestors and spiritual team like always… but this time little me showed up more fiercely.
She was thankful for me not making her go through another gut-wrenching scene/memory that pulverized her essence. Instead, I invited her to show me what she needed, she led me differently than my logical brain would have imagined. My brain was no longer leading through explanations and analysis, instead she was holding my hand and not the other way around!
She taught me it was my body, this beautiful vessel that still harbored so much pain with all the twists and cracks. She taught me to hold myself when I was feeling emotional for no reason, and there didn’t need to be! I didn’t need an excuse to hold myself, to just be… as I wished I had so badly in my childhood.
It wasn’t all sad either she showed me that I didn’t need to break or fall again, to be gentle with myself. She showed me as much as I craved human support and warmth, I was the one who saved me EVERY TIME.
It was my faith through isolated times, when I went months without speaking to a single soul, and had no support system as I moved to the other side of the country. It was my deep knowing and conviction, that got me through every time. It was my faith in my prevail, no matter how tall the stacks were against me.
I GOT ME THROUGH!!
The only real community I had were my ancestors before me, if not for them I don’t think I would have made it so far. That’s why it was so visceral and altering for it to be a part of my work.
At last, this leaves me here now with you. I needed a month of deep inner connection, with no obligations to be “ready” for someone else. In that time of giving, loving, and witnessing, I saw a memory that needed a different ending.
You see not long after my brother’s death(2022), I was seeking help from all the spiritual healers. I met a woman with a big following who garnered a lot of attention for the way she told the Orishas’ stories. I thought this was my time, to be validated in my love for Oshun, as she was an Oshun priestess herself. Instead, I was shamed for not being put together as a spiritual coach, only a month after my brother’s passing. It sent me back into this swirl of being so unloved and ugly, that even a stranger will mock me, despite my craving to leave behind something good in this world!
I was trying so hard to be this good girl for a father who never admitted the harm he had done, for a mother who used me as an emotional dumping ground until another man came around. Again I was told I was unloveable and something was wrong with me. “No wonder you aren’t successful at your business, no one will want help from you.”
“Am I that imperfect”, as I remembered how much pain I’ve withheld in silence. As this memory washed over me I was reminded how this woman and her ‘mentor” tried to manipulate and trick me, and none of what they said held water. My path veered so differently because of that experience, and until recently I didn’t know I was trying to justify my worth partially because of them.
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Her words echoed so loudly in my head: How are supposed to help people when you aren’t healed? When I revised this recently, I saw how the months and years after, it controlled my doings and self-perception. “ How DARE she,” I exclaimed as I banished all these cords away.
String by string I freed myself. Am I fixed though, and will I ever be?? The answer is no, and nor do I ever want to be like: the mass of spiritual bypassing, positivity, all is one, you have to manifest mindset bullcrap. I sent that shit to the depths of hell where it belongs, from the hands of shame-filled patriarchal colonized belittlement ideologies focused on greed and conquest.
They can have all of that, it will never be me! The justice that rages inside of me is for all the women victimized into believing their magic isn’t even worth one breath of air! A year prior I would gone to social media, to release this demon of anger, so it too can be validated by others. She (anger) had her time and I am grateful for her. My pause in reaction is how I find the bountiful wisdom that lives inside of me when I dwell in the stillness for a little longer! I will always advocate for SACRED RAGE as medicine, and we are seeing more of it in our culture and conversations thankfully.
But on the other side of that anger and pain is where love was left empty-handed, a kiss unmet by our skin and so our blood boils red… RIGHTFULLY SO!
Like I said she had her time, and I am so grateful for all she has shown me, but now I want to revel in my own power without the attachments. So like a snake, I will shed this old skin, growing it back thicker, more resilient… more COLORFUL… MORE ME!
I have learned to embrace the unknown, as I rekindle forgotten parts of myself. I see now the veil is not thinned to commune solely for the Spirits on the other side, but to where my Greater Spirit resides. All that was hidden becomes seen, all the ways I was blinded before are shined upon. And my Darkness… she has been my greatest teacher, the warmest hug… and the easiest direction back to myself!
So I end this letter by telling you more than ever I am filled with love poured by my own two hands, even with this Aries Full Moon begging me back to this dance of darkness. Her fire rages for the unseen to have its stage. These systems of oppression will have us believe we are alone in our experiences, and that there is not enough time and space for us in this race to finish it all perfectly.
I will never abide by the rules of the masses, I rebel and advocate for play and pleasure… and firstly my cup shall be filled before anyone else’s.
Our change and growth are dependent on banishing the binding chains of constrictive ideologies that feed off our fear and self-abandonment. I will no longer entertain these check-filled boxes that were never meant for me, and I encourage you to do the same!!
We are in the process of alchemizing the very fire that was meant to burn us alive and reignite our meaning beyond the mechanical. Lead into gold is a process by which we believe our heaviness turns us back into something more pure. Please listen to the meanderings of the fool in us all who doesn’t need a fixed answer, but an opening back to where we have always belonged!
This change isn’t to fix something or create something new that wasn’t there before, but to accept all of you! Even your DARKNESS… BENEATH THE VEIL!!
P.S. I mentioned a little while ago I will be opening another discussion on my substack solely for the deep and poetic archetypal symbolism of THE TAROT!!
The Tarot Therapy Tribe will be starting on 10/22! I am so excited about this, and it will be open to all my Subies. There will also be a community chat and live discussion for my PAID SUBSCRIBERS.
My hope is to offer more value on this limitless topic and create more community in this little corner of the internet. I hope to see you all there!
Besos,
Angelia 💖
SUBSCRIBE HERE: https://substack.com/@ancestorsmama
Originally published at https://ancestorsmama.substack.com.
