Speech Styles: What They Tell Me
In efforts to understand myself, I spent most of my life studying odd topics. What child is checking out books on psychology, physics, Area 51, and “healing hands” at the age of 7?! Yup, that was me….and the quest for learning never diminished. Touch therapies, biology, anatomy, technology, and faith interests emerged years later, followed by hypnosis, behavioral patterns, handwriting/face/body language research. Funny enough, the “academics” and experts authoring these educational resources were pulling from what I would call common sense.
Hidden behind fancy verbiage and million-dollar vocabulary words, were simple ideas turned into untested hypothesis deemed legitimate based upon another expert’s philosophy. Some philosophies seem more factual because the population has adopted them as fact…without asking questions. Other philosophies should be referenced as fact, but aren’t, because the idea doesn’t align with the more widely adopted information (even if it isn’t provable). So, how can we determine who is behind that level of expertise, philosophy, or simple conversation? It all come down to communication.
Communication styles can indicate any person’s history or true level of understanding on a topic. Facial expressions and body language need a sturdy baseline before we can “read” anyone. Non-verbal communication is important, but with all the attention on mannerisms and posture, we have glossed over the one aspect that is hardest to fake. Yes, there are talented voice actors and impressionists fluent in altering tone, vibration, accents, and volume, but for the general population, it would prove extremely difficult to construct a consistent false voice without being a complete sociopath!
When consulting, training, or mediating, I let the clients do the talking as soon as the meeting opens. The better I understand who they are, the better I can serve. This is my cheat sheet.
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FAST TALKERS: Quick speech is a tool utilized in debate. As a listener, I find this ineffective. This style of speech indicates that the speaker is less concerned about anyone understanding their message and more concerned about being heard. The need to spit out their point of view (and get others to adopt it without asking questions) is top priority. They leave no room for a thought to form. No formed thoughts, mean no argument or push back. I listen intently to these people and tend to interrupt them with a request for clarity. This gunks up the gears. Their script has been paused. Losing track of pace…. their emotions start to surface. People who don’t invite others into a conversation, or, speak so fast that it creates confusion, is a tactic for those riddled with pride/ego and a desperate need for validation.
LOUD TALKERS: Some demographics are culturally loud. It sounds like a stereotype (and is…to a point), but stereotypes became stereotypes for a reason! Italians are known to speak loudly (I’m one of them!) Beyond the cultural impacts, when I observe a person regularly speaking at higher decibels, I gather that they’re either overt narcissists who need to be center of attention or people who have not be “heard” in life and are trying to find their voice (through volume). This one is tricky, because what is deduced can be interpreted as polar opposites. This is when we bring in another aspect of understanding the person (conversation subject concentrations, appearance, face/body reading).
RUN-ON RAMBLERS: Repetition and over-explaining indicate an abuse history on some level. These people feel it necessary to be completely understood and will be very thorough in their communication. They’ve typically had their boundaries crossed often, have been diminished, lost autonomy, and are not used to people actually listening to them. I can bet that these people had their words turned around and used as a weapon for some kind of character assassination. I find it important to use reflective listening with this group.
SHORT DIRECT: Short, sweet, and to the point is the method of choice in these people. Though it may become frustrating when attempting to have casual conversation, in business, it’s an asset. Direct speakers do more listening than speaking. Responses are precise, well thought out, and calculated. This is to diminish any chance of confusion or misunderstanding. In non-business relationships, direct speakers tend to be emotionally guarded (usually for good reason) but can read as being aloof.
SHORT NON-DIRECT: We’ve all been in conversation where the speech is slow and direct, but lasts forever. We walk away not knowing anything they said. These people need attention. They want you hanging on every word, even if there is no message being delivered. They speak just to have “all eyes on them” and will prolong the conversation for as long as you allow. I tend to jump-in during one of their many lulls and clarify (or even invent) any point they may be trying to make. This shows that I am listening and caught on that nothing is actually being said. I ask questions about them, indicating that I am giving the needed attention without the effort of this tactic.
As in everything, there is nuance to the communication styles of individuals, but this is a broad overview of what I’ve encountered when working with customer service all the way up to CEOs. The key is understanding people enough to put yourself in their position. It’s the first step in any successful relationship.
