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Mourning Mom
Always Everywhere
“I never took us for granted and I always knew
You and I are special
But I never knew how much I’d miss youSo much has changed and been rearranged
And I see that I’ve lost
What made me so young and incredibly strong
And never ever wrong
You were always there
'Cos you’re always everywhere”[K’s Choice, Always Everywhere, 2000]
She is everywhere.
I hear her in the words that I speak to Husband and dog.
She’s in the way I walk. As I see myself on our wildlife cameras, I see Mom.
She is in the thousands of little mannerisms and habits I have adopted after so many years with her.
She’s in my mirror. I have her nose and the way the corners of my mouth naturally slant downwards, if I am not smiling. She had the same affliction. People would call us either serious or grumpy if we weren’t smiling.
She is in the way I fold my laundry, in the way I prepare food or pour a drink.
She is in my body: though I have my father’s build, the way my fat is (re) distributed these days is definitely Mom. I’m not proud of it or happy with it, but it is what it is.
She is in my cravings and addictive behavior — the very reason I cannot afford to allow myself any…
